all of this awful shit started with one person: John Christopher Brady.


it's made worse by my overbearing nazi fuck tart parents.

special thanks to everyone who feels the awkward need to fuck my relationships up. you're fucking awesome.

A little bit of optimism

So, sitting here reflecting on my day & it's strange & amazing happenings I'm met with a bit of optimism to get me through all of this. I think back on how Danielle and I were, for what, a month, and compare it to how we are now and I just smile. Like i've said a thousand times, i'm glad we got over whatever was keeping us from being friends, because she's such a great person & an absolutely amazing friend. I wouldn't give up what we have as friends for anything in this world. Thinking about how great of friends we are now gives me hope for myself & Asia. I know that this whole thing has hurt her. I never meant for it to. At first i didn't even really think of her as part of this, but after our little phone call i can see where she comes into it all. I get one hundred and ten percent where she's at. I was there. I was in that whole mind set of "officially unofficial" or "together minus the title." Thanks to John I've learned that just because I think it & I think i know him & is intentions does not make it true. I can't even tell you the numerous things he did & said or just made me feel that made me feel we were more or less together, when in reality, we were far from it. I understand that horrible delusion all too well. And yes, it is a a delusion. It's a lie we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. It's probably worse for her because they decided to be mature & stay close. I guess in the craziest of aspects i owe it John to thank him for always making sure there was plenty of breathing room. Even if on the occasion it seems like too much space and being that far apart hurts, i suppose it would hurt more if i was still around you & watching you, wondering when it would get better. (So maybe John is being mature...?) We both seem, in time to get over it. Time heals all of the most ridiculous wounds we've inflected on each other. I don't think that guys see it how we do. I don't think they quite understand how we look at everything they do & ninety percent of the time as girls we over analyze the situation & will bend it to see what we want. It's exactly how a wife will blame 'the other woman' and give her cheating husband that same undying affection, even though, it's a two person game, and who says he didn't start the affair? So point being, i understand where she's coming from with everything she said because, i've been there. I understand that want & need to see it fixed. That like awful aching, that feeling like something died. Yeah, its a little melodramatic, but we are talking girls & matters of the heart with people we think we love. I'm not saying she doesn't love Moses or that i didn't love john, but this is the beginning. (: We're only just starting out in our lives. So many of us just graduated high school, or hang around a ton of kiddos still in high school. Nothing wrong with it. I'm part of that, but i can also see that there's so much more beyond this. This here now is nothing to the life, the journey we're all going on. I know it seems so fucking important right now to have that, but this is all so temporary. I mean, granted, there is always that chance you find 'the one' right now & it works, but for me & john, for moses & asia, i don't think that's true. It's heartbreaking, but true. That sounds so harsh & the words of a true cynic/realist, but i'd rather not look at the world through that naive haze of adolescence. I notice i'm drawn to the same people, or at least with the same situation. I keep finding girls who are going through or have gone through this same sort of thing. My only real solace concerning Asia is in knowing that in the end, once this blows over, once we figure out who's doing what & why, we'll probably end up great friends.

And rully quick, while i'm still thinking about it, i will never give Alicia shit for the situation between her, robert, & kristin. I see how that situation could go down & easily be misconstrued as something malicious & terrible. I used to think she was so naive & just blind to the whole thing, but i see that all the really matters is what's between Alicia & Robert. I understand that while one person can sit there & say what they're going to say to put that person down in front of you just to make you see what a horrible choice you've made. Reminding you that, 'he did it to me, what keeps him from doing the same to you'? But, it's not like that. I get that. I understand. And because i understand it now, i see that Alicia isn't naive, but just faithful & not stupid. She checked up on everything & never took anyone's words at their face value, & good for her. She's never looked so mature to me. Happy one year anniversary Alicia & Robert. While i may not like Robert, he's an amazing person & i respect him dearly.


I love you. <3