It's been awhile.

I realize & this is horrible, but i only write when i'm upset or happy with some kind of small dilemma, but faintly wanes on my mind. Anyway, this is latter, but not really. I'm happy, but not really. I'm happy, but still have this intense weight on my heart. I realize that i fuck up on a near daily basis and all my unhappiness is my own fault. I let my mind wonder off too far or i let my mouth run a little too much. Either way i fuck up my own happiness. The worst thing is, i tend to really fuck things up at the wrong moment. Rather, something that wouldn't be a big deal at another point in time just really sticks in a horrible way right now.

This situation is horrible. There is so much about me, him, the assholes that surround us that are affecting this whole thing. I hate it. I hate everything about it. And there is still a lot about you i don't know. We've never talked about your past. Ever. It scares me that you know almost everything about my one or two 'relationships' i've had. Knowing that you always are talking to your ex's drives me insane. Knowing that you split due to her moving. Knowing you are incredibly flirty with her. I just-- I am a jealous person. I don't deal with these things well. I just don't know how to tell you or go through all these thoughts without sounding crazy or without fucking anything up. I am well aware of how much of a fuck up i am. Any good thin i have i somehow screw up. Which is more or less what you told me you do so i don't feel as alone. And at least with my jealously it's founded. Unlike with John. I'd kill myself first, thnx.


Truly, i have too much on my mind to coherently write anything substantial or get this feeling off my chest so i can breathe again.