Worrying

It does nothing. I find this out more and more, but not necessarily the hard way, but very close. Thank god for Eric, otherwise who knows where i would be right now. I understand that me freaking out over every small detail won't get me anywhere good, and if anything it might even make things worse. I want to worry a healthy amount, not the amount that i worry about right now. I hate feeling the need to know what's going on. I hate feeling lack of control. I don't want to get hurt or made an ass of again, but i don't want to worry so much and constantly wondering if he's okay, if we're okay & ruin my relationship like that. How do you trust someone who has hurt you so badly, but you can't help but love anyway? I want to trust him. I do. But he hasn't really done anything to earn it back, but he also hasn't hurt it more. I know who texts. I have somewhat of an idea of what is said, but still, it's nothing now or he ignores those for now, but what got us where we were in the first place? Can i really put all of that blame on John & the 'situation'? How much of that scenario gets put on me or tom or the tramps? No one seems to have any answers for any of this which is the worst part. I would take the advice, but there is no advice to be given it seems.

I wish there was some way to forget & not care.

But then again, ignorance isn't bliss, it just makes you look stupid to the rest of the world.

Again, it's been some time.

And a lot has taken place. Incredible and unbelievable things have happened. Tom & i stayed together for about four, five, just about six months before things really started to fall apart. We would fight always just because i couldn't handle being a secret and watching him as he hangs out with all these girls who text him constantly and at the strangest hours... turns out the the suspicion was right on. One fine morning we fight over something so stupid, so trivial and we just don't speak for the rest of that morning. He comes over & tells me it's over. About a week later i find out that wonderful stuff. Confrontation is good from time to time. It can get things rolling. We don't talk for awhile. He runs to John, of course. The decision is made. Whatever. Fine. I knew it would be that way from the beginning. But it gets better actually. Because maybe a week or so later he's at my house at one in the morning asking me if i would be his girlfriend. Telling me that i make him happier, that i'm his best friend. I was speechless & crying. It's been about a month since that night. I am incredibly happy & worried at the same time. There has been a lot that has brought us here. I worry about every girl he talks to. And like i've said before he is really close with his ex-girlfriends and i still know very little about his past. I'm slightly terrified of trusting him with not absolutely breaking my heart again, but then i'm forced to think about how he gave up all kinds of friends to be with me. Would he do that just to break up with me? Of course the rational answer is no. Not only that but he hasn't done anything to show me he's not trustworthy since, but he also hasn't done anything to gain that trust back either. So i am torn. I wish i knew how to just forget what has happened and be happy without worrying who he's out with or what he's doing, wondering why he's not texting me or what. I wish there was a way to squash my feelings of insecurity and worry. I want more random & sweet texts. I want you to tell me about how you want to take me out. I want random cuddling & kissing. I want sweet gifts. I want flowers. I want to be treated like i'm your girlfriend. Sometimes i don't feel that way. And yes, i understand. This is a month, not even into our relationship. This is a weird transition between friends & secret lovers to actually being in a relationship & i didn't think it would be easy but whatever. I still want it. So i think, i hope things okay. Or that they will be. I hope we're not spending too much or too little time together. I feel as though i'm babbling, so i'm ending this here.

But, in the end, through all the worry & such, the nights you sleep cuddled up next to me, when you hold me & kiss me, it takes way that worry. I love you.

It's been awhile.

I realize & this is horrible, but i only write when i'm upset or happy with some kind of small dilemma, but faintly wanes on my mind. Anyway, this is latter, but not really. I'm happy, but not really. I'm happy, but still have this intense weight on my heart. I realize that i fuck up on a near daily basis and all my unhappiness is my own fault. I let my mind wonder off too far or i let my mouth run a little too much. Either way i fuck up my own happiness. The worst thing is, i tend to really fuck things up at the wrong moment. Rather, something that wouldn't be a big deal at another point in time just really sticks in a horrible way right now.

This situation is horrible. There is so much about me, him, the assholes that surround us that are affecting this whole thing. I hate it. I hate everything about it. And there is still a lot about you i don't know. We've never talked about your past. Ever. It scares me that you know almost everything about my one or two 'relationships' i've had. Knowing that you always are talking to your ex's drives me insane. Knowing that you split due to her moving. Knowing you are incredibly flirty with her. I just-- I am a jealous person. I don't deal with these things well. I just don't know how to tell you or go through all these thoughts without sounding crazy or without fucking anything up. I am well aware of how much of a fuck up i am. Any good thin i have i somehow screw up. Which is more or less what you told me you do so i don't feel as alone. And at least with my jealously it's founded. Unlike with John. I'd kill myself first, thnx.


Truly, i have too much on my mind to coherently write anything substantial or get this feeling off my chest so i can breathe again.