pretty girl

I forget sometime that in order to come across as beautiful to other people you need to see your self as beautiful & exude that confidence. Moses said something so odd to me, but when i think about it, he's right. Then of course, my navy boy Brandon, gleaming in his uniform told me "you're so hot here sweetie." I love him. I feel great. And i look great. Imma be hella cute for penguin when he gets back. <3

fucked

i know. in the pit of my stomach that he wont want me when he comes home. i should just get over it now. especially with what moses said.

he's really nice. i appreciate him being here & telling me the straight truth. unlike the rest of world. he actually cares about me. he reminds me so much of john. (: just brown.


give it a chance maybe?? Paris thinks i should. Maybe i will.

this will be

THE SLOWEST TWO WEEKS EVER!!

D:

i wish i knew how to make my background zebra on here & on freaking twitter.


why must i be so challenged with this stuff?!

eff my life

You've become my best friend again in a matter of seconds. Of course, now that you're gone i'm lonely as fuck & i don't know what to do. Why did i have to fall you even more than before?



Seriously?


eff my life.


but i love you & wouldn't change it. ever.

Music is my Life

So i got this text earlier this week from Danielle that reminded me why i do, what i do. Why i listen to what i listen to sort of moment. So, i guess i should start by saying, if it weren't for Schola, i don't think i would have ever spoken more that five words to Danielle Fazio. Not for any reason aside from we're just two very different people. But here's reason number one. Choir brings the weirdest of people together. The mix of social circles that room has seen is amazing. What's even better about though is that, we've never divided the room or choir according to social norms applied outside those four walls. It's not even Danielle either. In life outside that room i don't think i would know john. Like wow, right? Anyway, Danielle's party was friday. I got her jewelry, but it's not here, so i made her a mix cd. If i remember correctly the cd started with imogen heap, went to dear & the headlights, snow patrol, killswitch engage, kamelot, deftones, and ended with choir music. The whole thing was hit & miss, she'd either love it or hate it. She texted me saturday, odly enough while i was in the middle of a conversation about art & it's place today. Anyway, the text read something to effect of "i totally love it. thanks" I sat there TOTALLY awestruck. This girl. With her coach purse. Her itallian tan. Her cute little VW Bug. Perfect outfits everyday. She just texted me "i love it" To Killswitch. Deftones. Kamelot. Opeth. What?! I told her i think i've cried to every song on that cd and Cherry Waves is the song for me & john. She said she felt nice getting that insight into my life. I seriously was like, "wow, really? really?"


Metal is beautiful. It's deep. You sort of need to look for it. It's not like other music where the beauty is laid out for you in simple & sweet chords with their "iloveyoujesus" lyrics. There are no sweet cliches. There are no pictures painted of beautiful love scenes or the average teenage scenes of concerts & summer's first love. None of that. Metal is more mature almost in a sense. It's deeper subjects. Tool, if you've ever wandered across their lyrics, you'll find some crazy philosophical thoughts within their stoner named songs. "Rosetta Stoned." You learn another language in more than one way with that song. Metal is high energy. You see & feel the emotion & energy just reverberate through the speakers & it just gets to you. While metal is kind of scary at some points, the scariest are actually the sweetest & most provocative & serious. They are songs about love & loss, religion, death, heartache, stories of what we wish we were and how we hate who are. Which is deeper than any romeo & juliet love song i've come across that you find in pop music.

Basically, i'm glad to find how universal metal is. When given to the right kind of people, it does amazing things. I'm glad to see Danielle is sart enough & artistic & deep enough to find metal's beauty & relevance to her own world. I really do hope to see her with the gang at the next blackened skies show. I feel really good about my music collection when i've introduced the last person i would ever think to enjoy metal into this genre & to find they really do like it. Like i just feel good & i'm proud to take her to the next show & show her off as the newest edition to our metal group. Mind you, i don't see her hitting up slaughter or spazzing when the new cd comes out, but the fact that she enjoys even the tamest of the tame makes me feel fantastic & validated in our music. <3 It's funny, because i thought casey, with all of his ap classes would sit there & really love & understand metal. Oh how i was wrong. (: I'm glad at least Danielle is smart enough, deep enough, whatever to understand metal. And that right there is why she's too good for Casey (:


God, i could go on about music forever, but i won't!!

and no, i change my mind, letting you read this would be worse. here's where out secrets begin

No really. I just want to this to go down how they did it and pull the whole happily ever after out. Like i just want to say fuck what everyone, just no, fuck them. Really? Let someone else, let what they, let what you think about me effect how i live my life. Yeah, not going to happen. I know what i want. Probably for the first time ever. I know who i am, again probably for the first time. I don't care what someone else has to say about me. People talk shit about other people for a lack of what they have. Well, more often then not, that's what i've seen & experienced. Mind you, yeah, everyone talks for some reason, that may not be theirs. Either way, i rully dun care. I guess in standing there, in saying what i said, in saying what you said, i'd hope you'd listen to that part that says fuck it, i love you & roll with it. I under stand where you're coming from with everything you said. Yeah, i got there & experienced life independent away from you. I attempted other relationships. Mind you, only because i needed to get over you. I hurt way too much for too long already. I had, still have a life of importance to live & i don't want to waste it on tears like that. I was hurt & i thought getting a new someone would help me think less about the old someone. Instead all it did was remind of you. everything anyone did, i would over reminisce you & the things you did. If i would have known that there would ever even be a possibility i don't know if i would have even tried. I didn't need the assholes or the failed attempt to tell me i love you. But i suppose it wouldn't be true Lauren & Alyssa style if there wasn't that hint of regret for s stupid thing. I know there are people on both sides who are going to be rather upset at both of us if we were to just pull this Lauren & Alyssa & roll with it, but it wouldn't be full on L & A if it wasn't like that. But we learned with them, while there will be those who throw their hands up at you & get fed up, the true friends are the ones who are filled with the same horrible excitement & agonizing fear as you are.

Like, if i know Lauren, or any of the people i consider my best & closest friends they're sitting there scared & yet crossing their fingers for the best. I know because they're my best friends they want what's going to make me happy no matter what. They wouldn't be my best friends if they didn't have my best interest in mind i suppose. I know, that they know our past. And, no lie, with our past carries plenty of worry for everyone, so naturally they're worried sick about my heart & my feelings through all of this. Even through the scurriness & precautions they are holding their breath like no other hoping for the best.



i think lauren & alyssa are at six months. if not totally beyond that.

i don't even think they remember breaking up. They don't hold a single transgression against the other after saying "fuck it, i love you." i don't even think they honestly remember or count anything before kissing each other & calling it a day. which is astounding. they have the most amazing relationship i think i've ever seen. they're best friends & so much more. there are no secrets, unless they're surprises & even then, one of them will crack before it's time. They have a healthy balance of friendship & intimacy in their lives & they've also found that perfect middle ground of independence & codependence. They make a point to save a day at least for each other & let the little fights slide more often then not. all they ever want to do is be together & cherish & appreciate that person for who they are, faults & perfections in all, oh yes & OCD cleaning habits (: i've literally said this since day one of you two, "i want that, but just with a boy."


i hope it's with this one particular boy though. i hope with basically everything i can hope with he picks me all over again, and for the last time, because i promise you with everything i am, everything i have to offer, i will never settle for anything less than what lauren & alyssa have.


thank you two for being in my life & providing me with something great & wonderful to achieve in my own life. you're the best friend i could ever ask for (aside from my tommy of course.) :D

i'm going to rully try & sleep now.

regrets

i can't say i have too many to tell you the truth. maybe dating the people (well, person) i have out of late. like, that was stupid. I suppose because i wanted myself to be over you. And i thought I was. I guess, i don't know. Even Tommy said to just "move on." Honestly, if i would have known tonight was going to happen & i don't think i'd ever stick myself the the jackasses i've been around. To tell you the truth, while you may be the biggest & scurriest looking i guy i know, hands down you're the sweetest most lovable, most sincere of them all. I've never known or think i'll ever know someone with a spirit like yours. It's filled with so much love & spirit for music. Seeing you fills me with this warmness i can't even begin to describe & when we talk about music i fall in love with it & with you all over again. I would have not have wasted my time with other people if i knew you'd be waiting at the end of all of this still. I didn't have to date other people in order to find who i am, or find out that, hey, i effing love you. I could have told you that three years ago when i was fifteen, standing out scared & excited as you, in your most timid voice asked me to be yours. I want to make it fours years this october. Forget those other people. They don't even matter. They never even left a mark on our lives. They were nothing special to either of considering how we don't even care throwing them aside. I couldn't believe it as you sat there with her on the phone tell her how you love me, always & forever. I would do the same for you, all day, every day.


I hope that in being that honest with you that it made the difference. That it said something to you. That it makes you think. Maybe saying all of that tonight it was premature, but i'm tired of having this big thing i want to say, or do, or just effing fix & doing nothing about it. I hope that when you do think about it you end up where i have. I hope that in that fact you still love me like you say you do that you forget everything else, look past our past & just pull a lauren & alyssa right here & now.

p.s. penguin, i wear that bracelet all the time. my hammer almost never comes off. i sleep with my baby lion every night. i was sad you gave me my necklace back. i was happy to see you kept lana doll. i still love you with everything i am. i want you to be my penguin, forever and i want to be yours, forever.