Eric Lassiter

& his logic rapes my mind.


But hopefully this crazy talk with actually fix things.



<3

the coolest part

about what happened is that it was call caused by my best friends. rae told tom i was "all over justin one night" so tom told moses i was "all over justin one night." when in reality, i was was extremely upset about many, many things one october 13th and i pretty much said some horrible & slightly misplaced things at the guy who writes me music about how i should leave moses & be with him. i sat there & told him off about the kimi stuff & how i felt like he was only trying to be my friend because he thought he could get me to date him that way. oh, forgot to mention, i didn't want to go over there in the first place. i don't really like spending time over there when someone is trying to get with him when i'm taken... i also don't like people who sit there & tell me how i didn't "pay enough attention to him". i just don't like dealing with this stupid shit. i went there because rae begged e to go. she didn't want to be there alone. i felt bad after saying what i said & being a bitch when i was in a pissy mood because moses was being all weird since i got back from flagstaff & well the day was shitty on it's own.

it's also great to find out the words i was using to explain to alicia why i thought she hated me are also... bullshitting about someone else now? literally, what i i said was, i didn't know if it was just bullshit cause she was upset with you or if it was real. hearing it from other people made it pretty real. meaning it wasn't a misplaced sense of jealousy. good to know, i didn't know rae very well at the time. i do now. i mean she's great. i was almost positive this would be a drama free friendship, but no & that's disappointing. i don't always like dealing with boy drama especially if it involves good friends of mine. a lot of this stuff with rae put riffs between me & people i already had things to work out with. sergio, don't really care about but still i'd rather not have him text me upset. evan... we already have a great history of shit... i didn't need things with rae to add to it. danny got upset with me, and justin... not sure what to say. i said that rae needs to be okay with herself before she can find what she wants to have that long relationship. i thought she was jealous of alicia's relationship with robert. especially with her liking ryan & ryan liking alicia. i understand,its semi rational thinking, but we've all been there. i'm upset that tom thinks it's okay & it's his place to spread more hear say without finding anything out. hear say is pretty much lying... but i find it awesome he's willing to sit there & get involved where he shouldn't & then he wont say, "oh... my bad! that wasn't as true as i thought it was..." i mean, coming from my friends... it looks bad. also, i'm curios as to how "carina & lindsey are uneasy of having you & john in flag together" comes out as... "they didn't want you there & you go from guy to guy" apparently, i drink surrounded by boys. the last time i went drinking, i was with lidsey & carina in flagstaff. i didn't even talk to a guy. i talked to tony & katie & caitlin. and yes, carl tried to take my bed ]:< but he left. with my pillow.... HE'S GAY ANYWAY. i just don't understand the double standard.


i don't even know what to do or how to do it. i sincerely just want to be happy with my friends. i try to be a good person & just do good & just be happy even in the shittiest of circumstances.

the consensus is to drop those who keep just spreading the bullshit. i don't want to. i love them...

uh-mazing.

i've seen some amazing things happen, like uh-mazing things happen. i will never understand them & i want to. more than once i have seen the same thing take place. two people break up. one of those people ends up finding someone to just make them smile as they go through what they feel is the toughest shit ever. i watched danny bear just be crushed by a ho... & i listened to how beth and eric... well didn't work out. and now i've seen beth & danny connect. starting as friends, just talking, one thing leads to another, that person kind of steals your heart & you don't even know it. it surprises you how when they text you, you get butterflies. your legs turn to jelly & your heart is beating out of your chest when you go to see them. i know that feeling. it's been awhile since i've had legit feelings like that. that were real. meant something. i even just saw this whole thing play out with rachel & justin. WHICH. thank god. cause i hated being a bitch to him about how he needed to STOP with writing of songs as to why i should leave moses & be with him because, lemme tell you a story, not going to happen. really, those two will be great for each other. (: justin, you're much too much of a pussy & have horrible tastes in music. so, it's all for the best. i've seen tommy, totally accept his best friend dating his ex, the ex that i think, started his alcohol binge. there is just some things i don't understand. like, i will never understand how asia can have so much faith in him. he's been dating other people. i couldn't even stand by john when he was basically using me for sex & not seeing other girls. how does she stay so strong & adamant in her love & devotion when he doesn't want her in that sense anymore? i moved on because i couldn't take holding on to my feelings if there was nothing left. why hold on to something that's not going to happen? can you will it to happen & it does? (IF YOUR NAME IS ANGELICA YOU CAN CRY YOUR WAY INTO SOL ]:<) i want to talk to her and explain everything. i need her to hear what happened, and know what i wanted & how it just... didn't happen that way. it's not what you think. i'm just weak. i needed something to fill that place. i needed to get away.


talking to eric has been interesting. i don't understand how you can think about love in a "logical" sense when love isn't ever logical. we saw hercules, "people do stupid things when they're in love" i don't get how you can just dgaf so much. but it's great to hear he cares about my feelings.


oh yeah, anslina is the greatest girl i think i've ever met. she's the sweetest. <3


bon soir mon petite chou. whoever you might be...

i'm eighteen & i simply know too much

i've been alive for eighteen years, and i've been openly loving for four. in these four years i have seen too much in the ways of the heart. all of it, hasn't even been to me, or about me, but i've seen it break the people around me. i'm eighteen and i should not have felt this much love & this much anguish. no one should fall in love at fourteen. no couple should stay together for four years. no two kids should share their virginity with each other at sixteen and eighteen and do it for the spiritual connection and not because sex is fun. we should have never had those feelings for each other. i will never understand how i feel in love with that kid who i saw sitting in the choir hall in a vash t-shirt. i saw him once. i didn't even want you to come with us on that trip. i knew you liked her. i didn't want you to take her away from me. i remember talking to you over aim about it. my 'sister' & now who is my 'brother' lord. i don't even know how it happened. you slept on the floor next to me. you flip your hair it awkwardly when you lay down. i thought it was cute. you had the softest hair. your music was incredible to me. i was cold one night so you forced what later become your dimmu borgir jacket. no one this young should ever feel that. no one should meet someone on a monday & be in love by friday. what kind of god would give someone that much power over another person's heart? i don't believe god exists. he would never give a boy who just turned twenty this much power in the life of a girl who just turned eighteen for this long. he won't even look at her & he's never had more power than this. i should not feel this powerless against a boy. boys should never be able to say the things you want to hear to get you naked in your pool. boys should not touch you like that with, again, without being able to choke out the words 'i love you baby.' why are boys so cruel? boys should not be able to tell you about how they don't want to be with you & wish you the best with other people & be highly offended when it's someone they know. they should not be able to make you cry so much that your friends feel the need to find you alcohol or drug you to sleep. i shouldn't have to burst into tear at 11:58 on october 13th. that song should not be able to make me cry. i should not have to lose friends.

you would have thought from my first experience of love and loss that i would never want to like or be with or be around a boy anything like him. you would have thought, i would have learned my lesson about being open & trusting, but i didn't. at eighteen, we shouldn't be faced with the choice of making yourself or everyone around you happy. we should not be faced with these choices especially when the people benefits don't give a fuck about you or your feelings. we shouldn't have to deal with boys who are the only ones that treat you right in a sea of people using you for one reason or another. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys accusing you of being a whore & ignoring you for officially tomorrow, three weeks. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys texting us at three in the morning, tricking us, making us think everything is okay. telling me how he misses me how its been hard on him, how he's glad i smiled back, how he wanted to kiss you so bad but couldn't, how he's keeping himself from talking to you. no one should have to deal with that at eighteen. no one should wait every day just to find out "today" was another a lie. no one should wait till 2:30 am for the chance to talk to you, only to be lied to again. no one should have to feel that. no one should have to get texts for an angry ex girlfriend who feels just utterly upset. i shouldn't have to deal with that, being told to "stay the fuck away" when if i do, she won't be friend tomorrow. if i stop talking to him tonight she won't be my friend, ever. we weren't friends in the first place. i was going to call it off. i was going to do it in order to "fix" things, but i realized i would only hurt myself & lose more friends & gain nothing. it would just make me alone & unhappy. losing one more friends, because who are we kidding? this just one more attempt to get over someone else. i'm not a masochist, so why hurt myself for you pleasure then?

i will never understand why i put up my friendships, my relationships with my family & my best friends for you. had i not said anything, all of would be friends and living happily ever after. i could still be close to you & no one would judge me for how it hurt someone else. i just want to be friends. With you. With him. With everyone. I'm tired. I didn't think this would go so bad. Honestly, it's not. It was never going to be love. I know. I've known. I wish i listened to Tom. None of this was worth it. At all.

i don't think that at eighteen we should be faced with this much heartache in the course of a year. Losing john three times. My best friends. My potential best friends. what do i need to do to make things right with everyone?


i'm at the point where i'm done. and at this age, this young eighteen, we should never get to this point, feel this pain. at eighteen we should never see our friends feel so broken they need to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't have to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't watch my friend be ostracize for being tricked & those tricksy boys. point is, at this age, being this young we should not being dealing with this & having to deal with everything else we deal with.


point is, i'm done.


bon soir mon petite chou. te me manque et je t'adore. always & forever. not that i even think i'll find you at this point...