i'm eighteen & i simply know too much

i've been alive for eighteen years, and i've been openly loving for four. in these four years i have seen too much in the ways of the heart. all of it, hasn't even been to me, or about me, but i've seen it break the people around me. i'm eighteen and i should not have felt this much love & this much anguish. no one should fall in love at fourteen. no couple should stay together for four years. no two kids should share their virginity with each other at sixteen and eighteen and do it for the spiritual connection and not because sex is fun. we should have never had those feelings for each other. i will never understand how i feel in love with that kid who i saw sitting in the choir hall in a vash t-shirt. i saw him once. i didn't even want you to come with us on that trip. i knew you liked her. i didn't want you to take her away from me. i remember talking to you over aim about it. my 'sister' & now who is my 'brother' lord. i don't even know how it happened. you slept on the floor next to me. you flip your hair it awkwardly when you lay down. i thought it was cute. you had the softest hair. your music was incredible to me. i was cold one night so you forced what later become your dimmu borgir jacket. no one this young should ever feel that. no one should meet someone on a monday & be in love by friday. what kind of god would give someone that much power over another person's heart? i don't believe god exists. he would never give a boy who just turned twenty this much power in the life of a girl who just turned eighteen for this long. he won't even look at her & he's never had more power than this. i should not feel this powerless against a boy. boys should never be able to say the things you want to hear to get you naked in your pool. boys should not touch you like that with, again, without being able to choke out the words 'i love you baby.' why are boys so cruel? boys should not be able to tell you about how they don't want to be with you & wish you the best with other people & be highly offended when it's someone they know. they should not be able to make you cry so much that your friends feel the need to find you alcohol or drug you to sleep. i shouldn't have to burst into tear at 11:58 on october 13th. that song should not be able to make me cry. i should not have to lose friends.

you would have thought from my first experience of love and loss that i would never want to like or be with or be around a boy anything like him. you would have thought, i would have learned my lesson about being open & trusting, but i didn't. at eighteen, we shouldn't be faced with the choice of making yourself or everyone around you happy. we should not be faced with these choices especially when the people benefits don't give a fuck about you or your feelings. we shouldn't have to deal with boys who are the only ones that treat you right in a sea of people using you for one reason or another. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys accusing you of being a whore & ignoring you for officially tomorrow, three weeks. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys texting us at three in the morning, tricking us, making us think everything is okay. telling me how he misses me how its been hard on him, how he's glad i smiled back, how he wanted to kiss you so bad but couldn't, how he's keeping himself from talking to you. no one should have to deal with that at eighteen. no one should wait every day just to find out "today" was another a lie. no one should wait till 2:30 am for the chance to talk to you, only to be lied to again. no one should have to feel that. no one should have to get texts for an angry ex girlfriend who feels just utterly upset. i shouldn't have to deal with that, being told to "stay the fuck away" when if i do, she won't be friend tomorrow. if i stop talking to him tonight she won't be my friend, ever. we weren't friends in the first place. i was going to call it off. i was going to do it in order to "fix" things, but i realized i would only hurt myself & lose more friends & gain nothing. it would just make me alone & unhappy. losing one more friends, because who are we kidding? this just one more attempt to get over someone else. i'm not a masochist, so why hurt myself for you pleasure then?

i will never understand why i put up my friendships, my relationships with my family & my best friends for you. had i not said anything, all of would be friends and living happily ever after. i could still be close to you & no one would judge me for how it hurt someone else. i just want to be friends. With you. With him. With everyone. I'm tired. I didn't think this would go so bad. Honestly, it's not. It was never going to be love. I know. I've known. I wish i listened to Tom. None of this was worth it. At all.

i don't think that at eighteen we should be faced with this much heartache in the course of a year. Losing john three times. My best friends. My potential best friends. what do i need to do to make things right with everyone?


i'm at the point where i'm done. and at this age, this young eighteen, we should never get to this point, feel this pain. at eighteen we should never see our friends feel so broken they need to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't have to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't watch my friend be ostracize for being tricked & those tricksy boys. point is, at this age, being this young we should not being dealing with this & having to deal with everything else we deal with.


point is, i'm done.


bon soir mon petite chou. te me manque et je t'adore. always & forever. not that i even think i'll find you at this point...