the coolest part

about what happened is that it was call caused by my best friends. rae told tom i was "all over justin one night" so tom told moses i was "all over justin one night." when in reality, i was was extremely upset about many, many things one october 13th and i pretty much said some horrible & slightly misplaced things at the guy who writes me music about how i should leave moses & be with him. i sat there & told him off about the kimi stuff & how i felt like he was only trying to be my friend because he thought he could get me to date him that way. oh, forgot to mention, i didn't want to go over there in the first place. i don't really like spending time over there when someone is trying to get with him when i'm taken... i also don't like people who sit there & tell me how i didn't "pay enough attention to him". i just don't like dealing with this stupid shit. i went there because rae begged e to go. she didn't want to be there alone. i felt bad after saying what i said & being a bitch when i was in a pissy mood because moses was being all weird since i got back from flagstaff & well the day was shitty on it's own.

it's also great to find out the words i was using to explain to alicia why i thought she hated me are also... bullshitting about someone else now? literally, what i i said was, i didn't know if it was just bullshit cause she was upset with you or if it was real. hearing it from other people made it pretty real. meaning it wasn't a misplaced sense of jealousy. good to know, i didn't know rae very well at the time. i do now. i mean she's great. i was almost positive this would be a drama free friendship, but no & that's disappointing. i don't always like dealing with boy drama especially if it involves good friends of mine. a lot of this stuff with rae put riffs between me & people i already had things to work out with. sergio, don't really care about but still i'd rather not have him text me upset. evan... we already have a great history of shit... i didn't need things with rae to add to it. danny got upset with me, and justin... not sure what to say. i said that rae needs to be okay with herself before she can find what she wants to have that long relationship. i thought she was jealous of alicia's relationship with robert. especially with her liking ryan & ryan liking alicia. i understand,its semi rational thinking, but we've all been there. i'm upset that tom thinks it's okay & it's his place to spread more hear say without finding anything out. hear say is pretty much lying... but i find it awesome he's willing to sit there & get involved where he shouldn't & then he wont say, "oh... my bad! that wasn't as true as i thought it was..." i mean, coming from my friends... it looks bad. also, i'm curios as to how "carina & lindsey are uneasy of having you & john in flag together" comes out as... "they didn't want you there & you go from guy to guy" apparently, i drink surrounded by boys. the last time i went drinking, i was with lidsey & carina in flagstaff. i didn't even talk to a guy. i talked to tony & katie & caitlin. and yes, carl tried to take my bed ]:< but he left. with my pillow.... HE'S GAY ANYWAY. i just don't understand the double standard.


i don't even know what to do or how to do it. i sincerely just want to be happy with my friends. i try to be a good person & just do good & just be happy even in the shittiest of circumstances.

the consensus is to drop those who keep just spreading the bullshit. i don't want to. i love them...