drinking

So i'll tell you today im done drinking & next weekend i'll get just as fucked up & say one more stupid thing...



i love you...

kthnxbai

& we'll never miss a beat

two days ago you told me, it's okay, but things won't go back to normal. 'It won't be as if we never missed a beat. We won't go back to having sleep overs again. I won't go out of my way to talk to you, but I won't ignore you either.' Last night begs to differ. We were up all night tossing & turning, stealing blankets & laughing, snuggled up & teasing each other about anything & everything. Last night we picked up where we left three weeks ago & we didn't miss a beat.

Thanks for keeping me warm bestie. Most amazing sleep over ever. I love you. Always & forever.


Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want the real reason i'm so upset

It's because as much as i'd never admit, as much as i deny it, i have always loved you & i always will. I miss you. Sleeping together snuggled up on your bed or wherever. Eating pizza & sining sweet songs together. Going to shows. You holding me & telling everything will be okay & they're not worth my tears. There is a part of me that's always wanted to be with you always and forever, but as more than what we are now. I just never have, & never will have the courage to get shot down by you too. And i know the feelings aren't returned & never will be & i'm okay with that. I'd be too afraid to lose you too, like i already have. Your friendship is enough.

I love you.

it's a little bit funny

People, no, I think it's just you, are able to accept her for what she's doing, but i'm being 'too dramatic' being being upset over being called a whore. You don't want to deal with me? You accept her bullshit story about how i am when i drink when i drink & get drunk with you the most? When you know better than anyone, when i'm drunk i get talkative & giggly as fuck? The only thing i'm ever all over is the floor. You & the people at In & Out know that one. I know you're a kind and smart person. It confounds me you would hear something so degrading and accept it. Not only believing it, but spreading it. I wasn't so much upset about losing a romantic interest as i was losing Moses as my friend. I knew when this started that the romantic side would only last so long. I was trying to enjoy something for myself, no matter how selfish it was. Not only would i be losing him because of something you said but you too, something had to go and i'd rather it not be you. I find it just amazing that you think i'm being dramatic. You think it's totally alright for her to get involved with anyone & everyone, but because awful rumors, that would change anyone's opinion about me are going around it's not okay for be to be upset? I understand that yes, things have been very unnecessarily dramatic with john, but how am I in the wrong? I should be allowed to be angry that people are lying about me. I have every right to be upset. I'm stressed out & i cry over the slightest thought of losing someone important. I know Moses hasn't been in my life long, but he is my friend. And sometimes i feel as though he is the only person who truly gives a shit about my feelings. Clearly you don't. Which is funny.


This is bullshit. You're adding fuel to the fire. You're just as immature & i cannot believe you condone this shit. Like... in the end that will be hella more dramatic than this bullshit. Cause John & I will get over it. Just FUCK.

You're like a drug, it's addicting.

Honestly, Edward couldn't have said it better, "you're a drug to me. My own personal brand of heroin." A certain someone wrote one time about how i'm a "venom" in their life. Venom doesn't describe this. It's addiction. Venom is a life sucking force that once it's gone, it's gone. You learn that snakes bite & it hurts & you never put your hand that close ever again. But venom doesn't gnaw at your insides every time your hear its name, see it, or are near it. It doesn't call out for you every time you're upset. Your body never carves it. You never itch for it, you never feel like you need. Venom is a bad experience. Drugs are good experience with a bad ending. You relapse from drugs because you miss the feeling it gave you. I miss the feeling you gave me. We're not venom to each other, we're a different kind of poison. You're my own personal brand of heroin and i can't keep the need the from my skin. Every time i get faced with a situation thats similar to us i relapse hardcore. I want to find any and every excuse to be near you. I want to hear your name, hear your voice, feel the heat from your body, i just want to see your face and remember the taste of our own drugs. I keep looking for new something new to get me away from you. When i finally thought i found something clean & healthy, it wasn't. New face, same drug, just not as potent. It still wasn't stronger than you. You're still winning. Whatever you did to take it away, you've won. Collaboration or not, the three of you, the two of you, just one of you, all three of you won. I hope you're happy. I feel like i've relapsed this whole thing over again. I'm dying for you again. I want to stay away, i know i should stay away, but i can't. I feel you in me. I can't let go, i don't want to let go. I can't help but still want to turn back the clocks to a year ago when it was in check and we were happy as could be. I want to get down on my knees and cry in front of you. I want to tell you i'm sorry, explain my mistakes. I'm stubborn, you know that. You know i can't let things go that easily. I needed that. I needed him. I needed someone who wanted me for me. I needed to be wanted. I needed to feel loved. But there is something, someone out there who took that away & i'll never get it back. And maybe it's for the best. I feel like i'm in a drug commercial looking at all the people i need to apologize to for hurting in my drug use. John & Asia fall at the top of that list. Of course, now that he's gone, i'm back to my old habit, my old drug. You called me venom, i call you heroin, i call you penguin & i still love you & i still want you. I know now, i'll never have that love & feeling again. And i want it. I want to be happy & loved.


You're my drug & i'm addicted.