You're like a drug, it's addicting.

Honestly, Edward couldn't have said it better, "you're a drug to me. My own personal brand of heroin." A certain someone wrote one time about how i'm a "venom" in their life. Venom doesn't describe this. It's addiction. Venom is a life sucking force that once it's gone, it's gone. You learn that snakes bite & it hurts & you never put your hand that close ever again. But venom doesn't gnaw at your insides every time your hear its name, see it, or are near it. It doesn't call out for you every time you're upset. Your body never carves it. You never itch for it, you never feel like you need. Venom is a bad experience. Drugs are good experience with a bad ending. You relapse from drugs because you miss the feeling it gave you. I miss the feeling you gave me. We're not venom to each other, we're a different kind of poison. You're my own personal brand of heroin and i can't keep the need the from my skin. Every time i get faced with a situation thats similar to us i relapse hardcore. I want to find any and every excuse to be near you. I want to hear your name, hear your voice, feel the heat from your body, i just want to see your face and remember the taste of our own drugs. I keep looking for new something new to get me away from you. When i finally thought i found something clean & healthy, it wasn't. New face, same drug, just not as potent. It still wasn't stronger than you. You're still winning. Whatever you did to take it away, you've won. Collaboration or not, the three of you, the two of you, just one of you, all three of you won. I hope you're happy. I feel like i've relapsed this whole thing over again. I'm dying for you again. I want to stay away, i know i should stay away, but i can't. I feel you in me. I can't let go, i don't want to let go. I can't help but still want to turn back the clocks to a year ago when it was in check and we were happy as could be. I want to get down on my knees and cry in front of you. I want to tell you i'm sorry, explain my mistakes. I'm stubborn, you know that. You know i can't let things go that easily. I needed that. I needed him. I needed someone who wanted me for me. I needed to be wanted. I needed to feel loved. But there is something, someone out there who took that away & i'll never get it back. And maybe it's for the best. I feel like i'm in a drug commercial looking at all the people i need to apologize to for hurting in my drug use. John & Asia fall at the top of that list. Of course, now that he's gone, i'm back to my old habit, my old drug. You called me venom, i call you heroin, i call you penguin & i still love you & i still want you. I know now, i'll never have that love & feeling again. And i want it. I want to be happy & loved.


You're my drug & i'm addicted.