Worrying

It does nothing. I find this out more and more, but not necessarily the hard way, but very close. Thank god for Eric, otherwise who knows where i would be right now. I understand that me freaking out over every small detail won't get me anywhere good, and if anything it might even make things worse. I want to worry a healthy amount, not the amount that i worry about right now. I hate feeling the need to know what's going on. I hate feeling lack of control. I don't want to get hurt or made an ass of again, but i don't want to worry so much and constantly wondering if he's okay, if we're okay & ruin my relationship like that. How do you trust someone who has hurt you so badly, but you can't help but love anyway? I want to trust him. I do. But he hasn't really done anything to earn it back, but he also hasn't hurt it more. I know who texts. I have somewhat of an idea of what is said, but still, it's nothing now or he ignores those for now, but what got us where we were in the first place? Can i really put all of that blame on John & the 'situation'? How much of that scenario gets put on me or tom or the tramps? No one seems to have any answers for any of this which is the worst part. I would take the advice, but there is no advice to be given it seems.

I wish there was some way to forget & not care.

But then again, ignorance isn't bliss, it just makes you look stupid to the rest of the world.

Again, it's been some time.

And a lot has taken place. Incredible and unbelievable things have happened. Tom & i stayed together for about four, five, just about six months before things really started to fall apart. We would fight always just because i couldn't handle being a secret and watching him as he hangs out with all these girls who text him constantly and at the strangest hours... turns out the the suspicion was right on. One fine morning we fight over something so stupid, so trivial and we just don't speak for the rest of that morning. He comes over & tells me it's over. About a week later i find out that wonderful stuff. Confrontation is good from time to time. It can get things rolling. We don't talk for awhile. He runs to John, of course. The decision is made. Whatever. Fine. I knew it would be that way from the beginning. But it gets better actually. Because maybe a week or so later he's at my house at one in the morning asking me if i would be his girlfriend. Telling me that i make him happier, that i'm his best friend. I was speechless & crying. It's been about a month since that night. I am incredibly happy & worried at the same time. There has been a lot that has brought us here. I worry about every girl he talks to. And like i've said before he is really close with his ex-girlfriends and i still know very little about his past. I'm slightly terrified of trusting him with not absolutely breaking my heart again, but then i'm forced to think about how he gave up all kinds of friends to be with me. Would he do that just to break up with me? Of course the rational answer is no. Not only that but he hasn't done anything to show me he's not trustworthy since, but he also hasn't done anything to gain that trust back either. So i am torn. I wish i knew how to just forget what has happened and be happy without worrying who he's out with or what he's doing, wondering why he's not texting me or what. I wish there was a way to squash my feelings of insecurity and worry. I want more random & sweet texts. I want you to tell me about how you want to take me out. I want random cuddling & kissing. I want sweet gifts. I want flowers. I want to be treated like i'm your girlfriend. Sometimes i don't feel that way. And yes, i understand. This is a month, not even into our relationship. This is a weird transition between friends & secret lovers to actually being in a relationship & i didn't think it would be easy but whatever. I still want it. So i think, i hope things okay. Or that they will be. I hope we're not spending too much or too little time together. I feel as though i'm babbling, so i'm ending this here.

But, in the end, through all the worry & such, the nights you sleep cuddled up next to me, when you hold me & kiss me, it takes way that worry. I love you.

It's been awhile.

I realize & this is horrible, but i only write when i'm upset or happy with some kind of small dilemma, but faintly wanes on my mind. Anyway, this is latter, but not really. I'm happy, but not really. I'm happy, but still have this intense weight on my heart. I realize that i fuck up on a near daily basis and all my unhappiness is my own fault. I let my mind wonder off too far or i let my mouth run a little too much. Either way i fuck up my own happiness. The worst thing is, i tend to really fuck things up at the wrong moment. Rather, something that wouldn't be a big deal at another point in time just really sticks in a horrible way right now.

This situation is horrible. There is so much about me, him, the assholes that surround us that are affecting this whole thing. I hate it. I hate everything about it. And there is still a lot about you i don't know. We've never talked about your past. Ever. It scares me that you know almost everything about my one or two 'relationships' i've had. Knowing that you always are talking to your ex's drives me insane. Knowing that you split due to her moving. Knowing you are incredibly flirty with her. I just-- I am a jealous person. I don't deal with these things well. I just don't know how to tell you or go through all these thoughts without sounding crazy or without fucking anything up. I am well aware of how much of a fuck up i am. Any good thin i have i somehow screw up. Which is more or less what you told me you do so i don't feel as alone. And at least with my jealously it's founded. Unlike with John. I'd kill myself first, thnx.


Truly, i have too much on my mind to coherently write anything substantial or get this feeling off my chest so i can breathe again.

i can't help but over think everything

i have a hard time just accepting the most obvious & rather reasonable answer. my mind has always been one to jump to ridiculous conclusions. why? not totally sure, but thinking the all time worst possibility makes the reality amazing. right now i am keeping myself cuddling some cheap vodka till i pass out. this night thus far has been successful. i want to quit. i'm tired of using drinking as a crutch, especially when i have tom & rae. drinking only makes my over-thinking worse.

oh, what am i over thinking? what else? everything about it too. like number one. this is too perfect, yet i've waiting through so much crap to get here. there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel right? like this moment has been years in the making so why isn't it happening? we've talked about it. we talked about it yesterday. god. him kissing me in front of rae was amazing. it felt so right. i think he feels it too. i know he feels it too. again. we've talked about how we both think it could work. it kills me. i understand why he doesn't want to push this further. i get that, but at the same time, IF he were to lose john, which i don't think we would, but if he's meant to lose john's friendship it's going to happen regardless. if it doesn't happen today, it'll happen. and aside from that john loves tom. so he'd never dip out completely. also if john loves tom he'd want him to happy. but this group of people is pretty fucked up when it comes to concerning themselves with the feelings of another person. i just hate to see tom be torn up over this & like having my heart kind crushed through it as well. it hurts to not be with tom in the way that i feel for him. and he says, 'oh there's other guys, we'll get over this' but honestly, what if i don't? or can't? or just don't want to? why stop from doing something that makes us happy? it only hurts us. there's so much wrong. i don't think tom should care so much about other people. or at least let them control him to a point where he misses out on an opportunity for happiness. not that i'm some great opportunity for long term happiness... but what if? what if this is real & true & lasts beyond here. i never want to wonder about what could have come from this... i don't want to continue on with our friendship & just try to pretend this didn't happen. i just... UGH.


it's three thirty. i'm freaking out. especially since he dipped out with four blue moons. was he upset? or just.... relaxing? ):

no. will not drink this out. i'll get through this with nothing but myself & friends.

merry christmas <3

when i thought it was utterly hopeless some light shines through. i tried to talk to him. he ignored me. pushed me away. i called rae. she shouted at him what the truth was. he left. ):

but i sped past him to rae. he shows up. i was going to leave buuut he follows me to my car. he kisses me. tells me he's sorry.


<3



mmm. my world is okay again. i feel ten thousand times better in his arms. like nothing can hurt me. the second i'm with him like that & he's kissing my nose i'm fine again. he was so cute. he put his hands in my pockets & mine in his & we just stood there keeping each other warm.

merry christmas (:

confuzled like a peach

hwell. i thought you hearing from him about how i picked you would make you happy. i want you. not him. i told him to gtfo because i care about you ten fold than for him. so... awesome? apparnetly, i'm a fuck up regardless of what i do. that's cool. at least i know now that i can do no right. so now i can take all the fucking blame for why things didn't work out with john or jesus or anyone.


okay. fuck two thousand nine. honestly? like nothing good really came from this year. there is so much more bad than there is good... i mean every good thing that has happened was followed by at least 3 bad things. i mean, yes, i'm over john & i can move on from this & go off & find the person i am truly meant to be with. oh, tom likes you too. OH. john isn't okay with anything you do regardless of all the staring he does whenever you're around. fuckin' ah. i mean you look like you have something to say to me john so fuckin' say it. christ. i lost just about everyone i care about at one point or another this year. always cool. but i did find out who my true friends are. i found rae through all of this. she turns out to be the best friend i've ever had. we have these epis conversations like this weekend where the world seems to fall into place & everything makes sense. fate. you know, the whole deal. i finally tell moses just to go away. i lose tom... hey cool.



i'm slightly offended tom. i did this for me & while i didn't do it to make you happy, i had hoped it would. i mean, rather than just piss you off.


maybe fate it just not as much what i thought. always awesome.

alright. my beezie.

so... it was wrong of me to flip out when he went to that party & didn't text. (: lulz. i know. i'm a horrible jealous person. i know. but it would just... suck. i don't know.

moses is still pissing me the fuck off. ignoring him. & the problem. both will go away eventually.

alicia's party tonight (: fun stuff will happen. rae will be here soon so we can get this shit started!