i have a hard time just accepting the most obvious & rather reasonable answer. my mind has always been one to jump to ridiculous conclusions. why? not totally sure, but thinking the all time worst possibility makes the reality amazing. right now i am keeping myself cuddling some cheap vodka till i pass out. this night thus far has been successful. i want to quit. i'm tired of using drinking as a crutch, especially when i have tom & rae. drinking only makes my over-thinking worse.
oh, what am i over thinking? what else? everything about it too. like number one. this is too perfect, yet i've waiting through so much crap to get here. there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel right? like this moment has been years in the making so why isn't it happening? we've talked about it. we talked about it yesterday. god. him kissing me in front of rae was amazing. it felt so right. i think he feels it too. i know he feels it too. again. we've talked about how we both think it could work. it kills me. i understand why he doesn't want to push this further. i get that, but at the same time, IF he were to lose john, which i don't think we would, but if he's meant to lose john's friendship it's going to happen regardless. if it doesn't happen today, it'll happen. and aside from that john loves tom. so he'd never dip out completely. also if john loves tom he'd want him to happy. but this group of people is pretty fucked up when it comes to concerning themselves with the feelings of another person. i just hate to see tom be torn up over this & like having my heart kind crushed through it as well. it hurts to not be with tom in the way that i feel for him. and he says, 'oh there's other guys, we'll get over this' but honestly, what if i don't? or can't? or just don't want to? why stop from doing something that makes us happy? it only hurts us. there's so much wrong. i don't think tom should care so much about other people. or at least let them control him to a point where he misses out on an opportunity for happiness. not that i'm some great opportunity for long term happiness... but what if? what if this is real & true & lasts beyond here. i never want to wonder about what could have come from this... i don't want to continue on with our friendship & just try to pretend this didn't happen. i just... UGH.
it's three thirty. i'm freaking out. especially since he dipped out with four blue moons. was he upset? or just.... relaxing? ):
no. will not drink this out. i'll get through this with nothing but myself & friends.
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