fml.

It's 3, almost four i won't go to bed till five. at least. i can't sleep...

I am a fuck up. In everything i do. I. Fuck. Up. Like it doesn't mater. I fuck up. I have a fucked up way of thinking. I know. I know i am no where near perfect. But tonight was. That talk in the car was. It made me so happy. I can't even tell you. Never in my wildest dreams would i have expected to hear anything you told me. Jealous? Really? That's what it was? You like me. As more than your best friend. I just... i would have never known. I am so glad i have you. I'm glad we have this. I'm glad i have you to hold me. I can't believe you feel the same way i feel. You held my hand. You took cute pictures with me & with rae. I've never had so much fun in my life. I love you. I adore you. I want to live in that moment forever. Forever. Everything was real. The sex. The kisses. The sweet words. You felt like i was your girl & you liked it? Me too! I want to be your girl. I feel so amazing that you chose me as your first. There is a part of me that wishes i waited for you. Something legit. Not that John wasn't. But this is perfect. The more i think about the more perfect it feels. My parents love you. Yours love me. Our parents love each other. You're my best friend. What could be better? We have the means & oppertunity to spend all the time we need together. I think it can work. My heart pounds in my chest & i have all these butterflies in my tummy when i'm with you. I love when you play with my hair & when i lay in your lap. You're amazing & so utterly handsome i can't even describe it. (: I've never been happier & with you i feel like i can do anything & everything is okay & nothing bothers me when i'm with you. I love you.

But of course, everything amazing is so short lived. I didn't want you to read my thoughts that are fucked up & worried & scared. Of course you read the wrong thing. It's not want you think. I thought... when i said that, i thought, i felt like i was being used. I was scared. I don't want to be one of those girls. I'm not a fuck buddy. I didn't want to be, but at the same time... i'd be anything for you. Your friend. Best friend. Fuck buddy. Girlfriend. I don't care. I just want to be there. I want to take care of you. I want to do anything & everything with you. It's not that i miss john. I miss sex with someone i know loves me. I'm tired of this bullshit of being 'with' someone and not, you know with someone. Like is it so wrong to want to be in a relationship where someone fucking wants me for once?! UGH! So fucking stupid. I'm scared. I'm tired & i'm scared. His face broke my heart... i couldn't do anything but cry. We talked. But will he ever actually talk to me again? He... like... i just don't know... He said not to over think this. He said he wasn't mad, but he looked like it. Acted like it too. But he hugged me & he kissed me.

What does this mean?

I ruined everything didn't I? He'll never love me. It'll never be good. It'll never be perfect. Why am i such a fail...

I actually managed to stay sober for most of tonight. Going to sleep coherent...