calling this feeling anything else than utterly abandoned would be an understatement. i have literally been dropped by everyone. even shammy, thanks to something stupid, has stopped talking to me. tom is off with john i'm sure, and while moses talks to me, he's overly concerned with what everyone else has to say about this. I understand you want to keep the peace, but in this, do you really want to let everyone else govern your life. should i let other people govern mine?
although, i guess i do it anyway. what is this now? stubbornness. going after something because someone told me not to... i know i know. i'm retarded. i shouldhavelistenedtotom&shammy...
hm. i'm just really lost, and very few people seem to be acting like adults in this.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
and im not even mad at you...
every time i have so much that needs to be said, i can't ever find the words.
i brought you over to my house that day to tell you how i feel about another person and why i felt that. i knew you weren't going to be happy about it, but i figured you'd get over it in time. I mean, we are friends, and in reality, we don't work as couple. we did at one point in time, but we both acknowledged that time as passed. I thought we were both okay with it. We sat there. You started playing WoW right after the conversation. You seemed like you could really care less about a relationship with me. I mean, and before you left, i felt like all you wanted was the nights in the pool and the sex. I didn't feel any love from you. I think you kissed me twice & called me baby once. I wanted something to still be there. I wanted something real to still happen. I didn't think i'd find someone like you ever. I tried. I really did. I thought if i just waited it out, you would find feelings for me again and me as your baby. You left for Europe without giving me any sort of promise of being mine, or anything like that. I knew your weren't going to want me. I wrote that note trying to find out what we are & where we stand. If you read & and said, i want you, then i was yours, but if you came home and said no, i knew that was the end of an us forever. I wasn't okay with it at first. I was terrified. I was drinking just to forget. And then, by the end of that week i was calm. I was okay with it. I had this talk with Suzie that made me think, do i really, honestly want to risk everything i hold dear now for one more attempt at a fail relationship? At first i sat there & defended us. I said, "we're not risking a friendship if the relationship works this time." Yeah, but what says it will work? Who says the reasons we broke up were the only ones. Plus, in three years, are we really still having the same major issues occur and reoccur? Yes. And, this is totally excluding the nazi household deal & high school. We've changed situationally. I've changed. I changed for you. I changed the situation for you. I rearranged my life for you. I even tried getting over you for you. I don't know what else i can do for you. But that's really all aside the point. By the end of that first week you were gone, i was okay with whatever you were going to say & i started to let myself go & just dgaf about everything else & have fun till you got home. (: Knowing that i needed some bomb stories to tell you when you got home i had to go make some. Moses gave me his number the night you were packing. I was driving alicia home & texting him. To tell you the truth, i liked him way before. I liked him in April, if not even before that. But i didn't know him. He had a girlfriend. And honestly, why would he ever like me? So i never gave that more than two seconds of thought. I was honestly surprised he was talking to me, let alone gave me his number & told me to text him sometime. I did. We would talk randomly, about random things. One night i'm just bored out of my mind, i tell him. He invites me over. I sit there awkwardly smoking hookah with people i don't know. It was the weirdest thing eever. But really nice, none the less. He walks me out, hugs me, says text me when you're home. One text. "you're cute" I was in total shock & straight up disbelief. I let it go. As the two weeks went by we talked more, hung out more. I slept over at his place. We sat in silence for hours. Somehow, we're talking about relationships. I talked about you, naturally. How i don't know what to think about you. I'm not stupid. I know you were leading me on before you left. I don't even know if i want to be with you anymore. Do i miss you or the relationship? I told him, i think i like someone else. He turned to me and just says, "im attracted to you" moses, i like you too. We kissed & i spent the night in his arms. I was willing to pretend it didn't happen. Say we had been drinking & forget about it. But every time i saw him we kissed. Or wanted to. It was so amazing finding someone i have legit feelings for. I mean, for the first time in a long time. He's everything i liked in you & more. (: He makes me really happy & i love spending time with him. He makes me smile just thinking about him. I mean, i knew i should tell you. I didn't know how. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled about it. I decided to wait & see where things were going with him before i break it to you. I decided, to tell you that weekend. You kept blowing me off. And i knew you knew there was something going on. You're not stupid. I had a feeling you already knew what that conversation was going to entail. I mean you refused to sit down & then once i said "i like him" you ran off. I tried dragging you back. You refused to listen to anything. I wanted to tell you that i love you always, but moses makes me happy. I don't know what we are, what we'll be, but i do enjoy my time with him. And i feel, that if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy, regardless of who it's with. I mean, we can't help who we like, or who likes us. I wasn't asking permission, but i wanted to be the one to tell you & i wanted to see how you felt about it. You said, "i'm not mad that you like him, but that i'm not getting my space" I was always going to give you space. And i wasn't trying to be in it by being friends with the band either. i mean, i understand that yes, this is your life, i get that, but i mean i wasn't trying to impose on your space or your friends. I mean, they actually like or liked me. I didn't bother any of them for their numbers. Most of them started talking to me for whatever reason, and i like them. I like being around them. Why you think of this as something vindictive is totally beyond me. And it hurts me to think that you think i would actually purposely try & hurt you. The fact you tell them you love me so much & the turn around & refuse to talk to me and call me poison is just...wow. You don't love me. So stop telling people you do. If you wanted things to work so badly, you would make them. I know you. So i'm just sort of sitting back here laughing at how angry you are with me for telling you the truth. I thought at least after three years you'd want to hear the truth about how i feel. Oh well. The irony is too sweet with you.
in one week i'm asking for my things back. let me suck the poison out of your life myself love. mind you, intend to stay good friends with everyone. I will be at shows. I will get tickets for me & friends. Just because i'm out of your life doesn't mean i have to end my own.
i brought you over to my house that day to tell you how i feel about another person and why i felt that. i knew you weren't going to be happy about it, but i figured you'd get over it in time. I mean, we are friends, and in reality, we don't work as couple. we did at one point in time, but we both acknowledged that time as passed. I thought we were both okay with it. We sat there. You started playing WoW right after the conversation. You seemed like you could really care less about a relationship with me. I mean, and before you left, i felt like all you wanted was the nights in the pool and the sex. I didn't feel any love from you. I think you kissed me twice & called me baby once. I wanted something to still be there. I wanted something real to still happen. I didn't think i'd find someone like you ever. I tried. I really did. I thought if i just waited it out, you would find feelings for me again and me as your baby. You left for Europe without giving me any sort of promise of being mine, or anything like that. I knew your weren't going to want me. I wrote that note trying to find out what we are & where we stand. If you read & and said, i want you, then i was yours, but if you came home and said no, i knew that was the end of an us forever. I wasn't okay with it at first. I was terrified. I was drinking just to forget. And then, by the end of that week i was calm. I was okay with it. I had this talk with Suzie that made me think, do i really, honestly want to risk everything i hold dear now for one more attempt at a fail relationship? At first i sat there & defended us. I said, "we're not risking a friendship if the relationship works this time." Yeah, but what says it will work? Who says the reasons we broke up were the only ones. Plus, in three years, are we really still having the same major issues occur and reoccur? Yes. And, this is totally excluding the nazi household deal & high school. We've changed situationally. I've changed. I changed for you. I changed the situation for you. I rearranged my life for you. I even tried getting over you for you. I don't know what else i can do for you. But that's really all aside the point. By the end of that first week you were gone, i was okay with whatever you were going to say & i started to let myself go & just dgaf about everything else & have fun till you got home. (: Knowing that i needed some bomb stories to tell you when you got home i had to go make some. Moses gave me his number the night you were packing. I was driving alicia home & texting him. To tell you the truth, i liked him way before. I liked him in April, if not even before that. But i didn't know him. He had a girlfriend. And honestly, why would he ever like me? So i never gave that more than two seconds of thought. I was honestly surprised he was talking to me, let alone gave me his number & told me to text him sometime. I did. We would talk randomly, about random things. One night i'm just bored out of my mind, i tell him. He invites me over. I sit there awkwardly smoking hookah with people i don't know. It was the weirdest thing eever. But really nice, none the less. He walks me out, hugs me, says text me when you're home. One text. "you're cute" I was in total shock & straight up disbelief. I let it go. As the two weeks went by we talked more, hung out more. I slept over at his place. We sat in silence for hours. Somehow, we're talking about relationships. I talked about you, naturally. How i don't know what to think about you. I'm not stupid. I know you were leading me on before you left. I don't even know if i want to be with you anymore. Do i miss you or the relationship? I told him, i think i like someone else. He turned to me and just says, "im attracted to you" moses, i like you too. We kissed & i spent the night in his arms. I was willing to pretend it didn't happen. Say we had been drinking & forget about it. But every time i saw him we kissed. Or wanted to. It was so amazing finding someone i have legit feelings for. I mean, for the first time in a long time. He's everything i liked in you & more. (: He makes me really happy & i love spending time with him. He makes me smile just thinking about him. I mean, i knew i should tell you. I didn't know how. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled about it. I decided to wait & see where things were going with him before i break it to you. I decided, to tell you that weekend. You kept blowing me off. And i knew you knew there was something going on. You're not stupid. I had a feeling you already knew what that conversation was going to entail. I mean you refused to sit down & then once i said "i like him" you ran off. I tried dragging you back. You refused to listen to anything. I wanted to tell you that i love you always, but moses makes me happy. I don't know what we are, what we'll be, but i do enjoy my time with him. And i feel, that if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy, regardless of who it's with. I mean, we can't help who we like, or who likes us. I wasn't asking permission, but i wanted to be the one to tell you & i wanted to see how you felt about it. You said, "i'm not mad that you like him, but that i'm not getting my space" I was always going to give you space. And i wasn't trying to be in it by being friends with the band either. i mean, i understand that yes, this is your life, i get that, but i mean i wasn't trying to impose on your space or your friends. I mean, they actually like or liked me. I didn't bother any of them for their numbers. Most of them started talking to me for whatever reason, and i like them. I like being around them. Why you think of this as something vindictive is totally beyond me. And it hurts me to think that you think i would actually purposely try & hurt you. The fact you tell them you love me so much & the turn around & refuse to talk to me and call me poison is just...wow. You don't love me. So stop telling people you do. If you wanted things to work so badly, you would make them. I know you. So i'm just sort of sitting back here laughing at how angry you are with me for telling you the truth. I thought at least after three years you'd want to hear the truth about how i feel. Oh well. The irony is too sweet with you.
in one week i'm asking for my things back. let me suck the poison out of your life myself love. mind you, intend to stay good friends with everyone. I will be at shows. I will get tickets for me & friends. Just because i'm out of your life doesn't mean i have to end my own.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
ten dollars says no asks me how i feel about this.
I'd like to say after three years of being with a person i know them well. It turns out i do & i wish i didn't. I wish he would grow up & prove me wrong. He always sits there and says, "look how much i've done for you? look how much is changed. what have you done for me?!" I don't think i can think of a single thing he's done to "change" himself, or his life for me. I mean, he hasn't changed at all from the day i met him, except maybe, become a complete selfish asshole. And honestly, what haven't i changed for you John? I mean, do you see how different my life is? Do you see all the things i can do now? Not even that, but i didn't change me for me, i changed me for you. I let go of my pride. I admit when i'm wrong. I don't fight anymore. Do you even understand how hard it is to change that for me? And you know, i knew in the end of it, we wouldn't really have a shot at this again, just because you care what everyone around you has to say about your life. You feel the need to have everyone's opinions weigh in on something that is solely your decision. Fuck it. you're 20 next month. Act like it. Stop with your high school bullshit & get over yourself. You honestly haven't changed & still don't take how i feel into consideration. Then you spread this around, let everyone hear it, let everyone get involved, and you still wont talk to me about it. i mean the one person you should be talking to. If you honestly loved me, honestly respected me, you would sit down, like an adult & talk to me. Not storm off ever ten seconds. You even admitted to Tom you were immature, therefore you owe one mature conversation. Especially since, i'm still waiting to hear what you have to say about the break up. Remember how you said we would talk? Remember how i waited? Couple hours turned into a couple days, couple days turned into a couple weeks, then 4 months. Yeah, you're real mature. And now, you won't talk to him either? Or at least not if i'll be there or there will be any sort of paths crossing between us. You're a fucking joke.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
relieved?
he said no.
but i love him.
no. time to get over it. i decided to move on. it will be done.
but i love him.
no. time to get over it. i decided to move on. it will be done.
Monday, July 6, 2009
two weeks
so much has happened in the last two weeks. i'm not even sure how to approach you anymore. i don't even know if i should bring it up at all. i know i should be straight forward with you and right out demand to know what we are & what we're doing. i just can't because i don't know what i want to hear from you anymore. i'm terrified of being with you. so several reasons. and now i don't want you to come back and wrap me in your arms. i was being hasty. i was trying to see all those things i saw back in the day. i thought if i got you here at night to jump in the pool butt nekkid, you should remember how out right random and daring i am. i thought if i wrote you notes & made you cookies & presents for your trip that you would remember how sweet and caring i am. i thought if i sent you pictures & gave you notes about that weekend that you would see that girl you fell in love with. i'm thinking, well, i know, that a part of why i wanted, want, fuck i don't know, but i was afraid that all of those qualities i saw in you i'd never see again. that i would never find a big viking, in a band, with long hair, and yet the sweetest personality ever. i never thought i'd find you and more in someone. a lot can happen in two weeks. a lot of thinking and changing can happen. i was so scared that you would come back from two weeks in europe, where the greatest thinkers and philosophers have lived, where you're out there experiencing something incredible, i was afraid you would come back a different person and not want me. now i'm afraid you do want me. two weeks ago, i would say throw caution to the wind & fuck the friendship let's just go for it. in two weeks i've gotten to know moses, chad, chase, nate, asia, and i would hate to lose that if we ended things poorly. i never want to go through all of that again. i don't want to go through four months of not having you as a friend, not having tommy, alicia, nate, chase, moses, chad, asia, any of them. i've never been scared about us like this. i don't want to just say fuck it & go for it anymore. i mean, for the first time i'm actually thinking this through & being an adult. i don't even know why. in the last two weeks i've done things that have surprised me so much. paris telling me she likes you. wow. normally i would have jumped across that table and killed her. but i sat there & said, "paris, go for it" with a smile. i offered to help her win you over!! what is this? i'm not being protective of you. i don't know why! i don't know if it's because i've managed to condition myself into believing you're really going to say no or if it's because i don't have that feeling anymore. i am so close to praying that you come home & straight up reject me so i don't have to put everything out there & risk what we have now. i don't even know how i'm going to explain to you how i need to think & how i want to put off a relationship with you. i want to know that all those reasons we discussed before are actually taken care of. i mean, if those were legit reason before, what happened in two weeks that changed the fact you haven't gone out & been with other people/ the fears of your family & friends. dedication to the band? money? school? i don't want to jump into this whole thing again just to lose you & so many more friends now. not even just that, but i cried for three weeks after we broke up. i'm not all that willing to put myself out there anymore. not to mention, you've already straight up denied everything once this summer. i'm tired of trying to impress you, of trying to remind you, convince you of why we loved each other in the first place. i don't want to try & charm you into a relationship by reminding you of what we were. i don't want to influence you into doing something you're not or we're not ready for. i want to do right by both of us, but i have no idea what that is. and while whatever weird feelings i have for moday are, they're not really a factor. i don't know him well enough to actually consider something real. not to mention, i don't know his feelings on the whole thing. i am curious. what would that be like. what could that become? i mean, everything happens for a reason. everything we do is mapped out before we do. there are reasons for everything we think & say & do. if things haven't happened the way they have, i would not be who i am right now. maybe everything with ryan brought me to john & i needed john to be with me through high school 7 help sort of mold who i am. i mean, i know without him i wouldn't be who i am right now. maybe john & i are really done, maybe i needed john to bring me here to moday. i don't know. you come home today. maybe i think and feel all of this because you're gone. i really honestly just don't know how to go about everything. do i bring it up? wait for you to bring it up? never say a word & move on?
god damn it.
god damn it.
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