and im not even mad at you...

every time i have so much that needs to be said, i can't ever find the words.

i brought you over to my house that day to tell you how i feel about another person and why i felt that. i knew you weren't going to be happy about it, but i figured you'd get over it in time. I mean, we are friends, and in reality, we don't work as couple. we did at one point in time, but we both acknowledged that time as passed. I thought we were both okay with it. We sat there. You started playing WoW right after the conversation. You seemed like you could really care less about a relationship with me. I mean, and before you left, i felt like all you wanted was the nights in the pool and the sex. I didn't feel any love from you. I think you kissed me twice & called me baby once. I wanted something to still be there. I wanted something real to still happen. I didn't think i'd find someone like you ever. I tried. I really did. I thought if i just waited it out, you would find feelings for me again and me as your baby. You left for Europe without giving me any sort of promise of being mine, or anything like that. I knew your weren't going to want me. I wrote that note trying to find out what we are & where we stand. If you read & and said, i want you, then i was yours, but if you came home and said no, i knew that was the end of an us forever. I wasn't okay with it at first. I was terrified. I was drinking just to forget. And then, by the end of that week i was calm. I was okay with it. I had this talk with Suzie that made me think, do i really, honestly want to risk everything i hold dear now for one more attempt at a fail relationship? At first i sat there & defended us. I said, "we're not risking a friendship if the relationship works this time." Yeah, but what says it will work? Who says the reasons we broke up were the only ones. Plus, in three years, are we really still having the same major issues occur and reoccur? Yes. And, this is totally excluding the nazi household deal & high school. We've changed situationally. I've changed. I changed for you. I changed the situation for you. I rearranged my life for you. I even tried getting over you for you. I don't know what else i can do for you. But that's really all aside the point. By the end of that first week you were gone, i was okay with whatever you were going to say & i started to let myself go & just dgaf about everything else & have fun till you got home. (: Knowing that i needed some bomb stories to tell you when you got home i had to go make some. Moses gave me his number the night you were packing. I was driving alicia home & texting him. To tell you the truth, i liked him way before. I liked him in April, if not even before that. But i didn't know him. He had a girlfriend. And honestly, why would he ever like me? So i never gave that more than two seconds of thought. I was honestly surprised he was talking to me, let alone gave me his number & told me to text him sometime. I did. We would talk randomly, about random things. One night i'm just bored out of my mind, i tell him. He invites me over. I sit there awkwardly smoking hookah with people i don't know. It was the weirdest thing eever. But really nice, none the less. He walks me out, hugs me, says text me when you're home. One text. "you're cute" I was in total shock & straight up disbelief. I let it go. As the two weeks went by we talked more, hung out more. I slept over at his place. We sat in silence for hours. Somehow, we're talking about relationships. I talked about you, naturally. How i don't know what to think about you. I'm not stupid. I know you were leading me on before you left. I don't even know if i want to be with you anymore. Do i miss you or the relationship? I told him, i think i like someone else. He turned to me and just says, "im attracted to you" moses, i like you too. We kissed & i spent the night in his arms. I was willing to pretend it didn't happen. Say we had been drinking & forget about it. But every time i saw him we kissed. Or wanted to. It was so amazing finding someone i have legit feelings for. I mean, for the first time in a long time. He's everything i liked in you & more. (: He makes me really happy & i love spending time with him. He makes me smile just thinking about him. I mean, i knew i should tell you. I didn't know how. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled about it. I decided to wait & see where things were going with him before i break it to you. I decided, to tell you that weekend. You kept blowing me off. And i knew you knew there was something going on. You're not stupid. I had a feeling you already knew what that conversation was going to entail. I mean you refused to sit down & then once i said "i like him" you ran off. I tried dragging you back. You refused to listen to anything. I wanted to tell you that i love you always, but moses makes me happy. I don't know what we are, what we'll be, but i do enjoy my time with him. And i feel, that if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy, regardless of who it's with. I mean, we can't help who we like, or who likes us. I wasn't asking permission, but i wanted to be the one to tell you & i wanted to see how you felt about it. You said, "i'm not mad that you like him, but that i'm not getting my space" I was always going to give you space. And i wasn't trying to be in it by being friends with the band either. i mean, i understand that yes, this is your life, i get that, but i mean i wasn't trying to impose on your space or your friends. I mean, they actually like or liked me. I didn't bother any of them for their numbers. Most of them started talking to me for whatever reason, and i like them. I like being around them. Why you think of this as something vindictive is totally beyond me. And it hurts me to think that you think i would actually purposely try & hurt you. The fact you tell them you love me so much & the turn around & refuse to talk to me and call me poison is just...wow. You don't love me. So stop telling people you do. If you wanted things to work so badly, you would make them. I know you. So i'm just sort of sitting back here laughing at how angry you are with me for telling you the truth. I thought at least after three years you'd want to hear the truth about how i feel. Oh well. The irony is too sweet with you.


in one week i'm asking for my things back. let me suck the poison out of your life myself love. mind you, intend to stay good friends with everyone. I will be at shows. I will get tickets for me & friends. Just because i'm out of your life doesn't mean i have to end my own.