two weeks

so much has happened in the last two weeks. i'm not even sure how to approach you anymore. i don't even know if i should bring it up at all. i know i should be straight forward with you and right out demand to know what we are & what we're doing. i just can't because i don't know what i want to hear from you anymore. i'm terrified of being with you. so several reasons. and now i don't want you to come back and wrap me in your arms. i was being hasty. i was trying to see all those things i saw back in the day. i thought if i got you here at night to jump in the pool butt nekkid, you should remember how out right random and daring i am. i thought if i wrote you notes & made you cookies & presents for your trip that you would remember how sweet and caring i am. i thought if i sent you pictures & gave you notes about that weekend that you would see that girl you fell in love with. i'm thinking, well, i know, that a part of why i wanted, want, fuck i don't know, but i was afraid that all of those qualities i saw in you i'd never see again. that i would never find a big viking, in a band, with long hair, and yet the sweetest personality ever. i never thought i'd find you and more in someone. a lot can happen in two weeks. a lot of thinking and changing can happen. i was so scared that you would come back from two weeks in europe, where the greatest thinkers and philosophers have lived, where you're out there experiencing something incredible, i was afraid you would come back a different person and not want me. now i'm afraid you do want me. two weeks ago, i would say throw caution to the wind & fuck the friendship let's just go for it. in two weeks i've gotten to know moses, chad, chase, nate, asia, and i would hate to lose that if we ended things poorly. i never want to go through all of that again. i don't want to go through four months of not having you as a friend, not having tommy, alicia, nate, chase, moses, chad, asia, any of them. i've never been scared about us like this. i don't want to just say fuck it & go for it anymore. i mean, for the first time i'm actually thinking this through & being an adult. i don't even know why. in the last two weeks i've done things that have surprised me so much. paris telling me she likes you. wow. normally i would have jumped across that table and killed her. but i sat there & said, "paris, go for it" with a smile. i offered to help her win you over!! what is this? i'm not being protective of you. i don't know why! i don't know if it's because i've managed to condition myself into believing you're really going to say no or if it's because i don't have that feeling anymore. i am so close to praying that you come home & straight up reject me so i don't have to put everything out there & risk what we have now. i don't even know how i'm going to explain to you how i need to think & how i want to put off a relationship with you. i want to know that all those reasons we discussed before are actually taken care of. i mean, if those were legit reason before, what happened in two weeks that changed the fact you haven't gone out & been with other people/ the fears of your family & friends. dedication to the band? money? school? i don't want to jump into this whole thing again just to lose you & so many more friends now. not even just that, but i cried for three weeks after we broke up. i'm not all that willing to put myself out there anymore. not to mention, you've already straight up denied everything once this summer. i'm tired of trying to impress you, of trying to remind you, convince you of why we loved each other in the first place. i don't want to try & charm you into a relationship by reminding you of what we were. i don't want to influence you into doing something you're not or we're not ready for. i want to do right by both of us, but i have no idea what that is. and while whatever weird feelings i have for moday are, they're not really a factor. i don't know him well enough to actually consider something real. not to mention, i don't know his feelings on the whole thing. i am curious. what would that be like. what could that become? i mean, everything happens for a reason. everything we do is mapped out before we do. there are reasons for everything we think & say & do. if things haven't happened the way they have, i would not be who i am right now. maybe everything with ryan brought me to john & i needed john to be with me through high school 7 help sort of mold who i am. i mean, i know without him i wouldn't be who i am right now. maybe john & i are really done, maybe i needed john to bring me here to moday. i don't know. you come home today. maybe i think and feel all of this because you're gone. i really honestly just don't know how to go about everything. do i bring it up? wait for you to bring it up? never say a word & move on?


god damn it.