i can't help but over think everything

i have a hard time just accepting the most obvious & rather reasonable answer. my mind has always been one to jump to ridiculous conclusions. why? not totally sure, but thinking the all time worst possibility makes the reality amazing. right now i am keeping myself cuddling some cheap vodka till i pass out. this night thus far has been successful. i want to quit. i'm tired of using drinking as a crutch, especially when i have tom & rae. drinking only makes my over-thinking worse.

oh, what am i over thinking? what else? everything about it too. like number one. this is too perfect, yet i've waiting through so much crap to get here. there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel right? like this moment has been years in the making so why isn't it happening? we've talked about it. we talked about it yesterday. god. him kissing me in front of rae was amazing. it felt so right. i think he feels it too. i know he feels it too. again. we've talked about how we both think it could work. it kills me. i understand why he doesn't want to push this further. i get that, but at the same time, IF he were to lose john, which i don't think we would, but if he's meant to lose john's friendship it's going to happen regardless. if it doesn't happen today, it'll happen. and aside from that john loves tom. so he'd never dip out completely. also if john loves tom he'd want him to happy. but this group of people is pretty fucked up when it comes to concerning themselves with the feelings of another person. i just hate to see tom be torn up over this & like having my heart kind crushed through it as well. it hurts to not be with tom in the way that i feel for him. and he says, 'oh there's other guys, we'll get over this' but honestly, what if i don't? or can't? or just don't want to? why stop from doing something that makes us happy? it only hurts us. there's so much wrong. i don't think tom should care so much about other people. or at least let them control him to a point where he misses out on an opportunity for happiness. not that i'm some great opportunity for long term happiness... but what if? what if this is real & true & lasts beyond here. i never want to wonder about what could have come from this... i don't want to continue on with our friendship & just try to pretend this didn't happen. i just... UGH.


it's three thirty. i'm freaking out. especially since he dipped out with four blue moons. was he upset? or just.... relaxing? ):

no. will not drink this out. i'll get through this with nothing but myself & friends.

merry christmas <3

when i thought it was utterly hopeless some light shines through. i tried to talk to him. he ignored me. pushed me away. i called rae. she shouted at him what the truth was. he left. ):

but i sped past him to rae. he shows up. i was going to leave buuut he follows me to my car. he kisses me. tells me he's sorry.


<3



mmm. my world is okay again. i feel ten thousand times better in his arms. like nothing can hurt me. the second i'm with him like that & he's kissing my nose i'm fine again. he was so cute. he put his hands in my pockets & mine in his & we just stood there keeping each other warm.

merry christmas (:

confuzled like a peach

hwell. i thought you hearing from him about how i picked you would make you happy. i want you. not him. i told him to gtfo because i care about you ten fold than for him. so... awesome? apparnetly, i'm a fuck up regardless of what i do. that's cool. at least i know now that i can do no right. so now i can take all the fucking blame for why things didn't work out with john or jesus or anyone.


okay. fuck two thousand nine. honestly? like nothing good really came from this year. there is so much more bad than there is good... i mean every good thing that has happened was followed by at least 3 bad things. i mean, yes, i'm over john & i can move on from this & go off & find the person i am truly meant to be with. oh, tom likes you too. OH. john isn't okay with anything you do regardless of all the staring he does whenever you're around. fuckin' ah. i mean you look like you have something to say to me john so fuckin' say it. christ. i lost just about everyone i care about at one point or another this year. always cool. but i did find out who my true friends are. i found rae through all of this. she turns out to be the best friend i've ever had. we have these epis conversations like this weekend where the world seems to fall into place & everything makes sense. fate. you know, the whole deal. i finally tell moses just to go away. i lose tom... hey cool.



i'm slightly offended tom. i did this for me & while i didn't do it to make you happy, i had hoped it would. i mean, rather than just piss you off.


maybe fate it just not as much what i thought. always awesome.

alright. my beezie.

so... it was wrong of me to flip out when he went to that party & didn't text. (: lulz. i know. i'm a horrible jealous person. i know. but it would just... suck. i don't know.

moses is still pissing me the fuck off. ignoring him. & the problem. both will go away eventually.

alicia's party tonight (: fun stuff will happen. rae will be here soon so we can get this shit started!

):<

heeeeey cool.

me: 'i really wish these snakes were your arms'
him: 'good song'



kthnx.

bon jour!

seeing your face when i woke up was amazing.
making you breakfast now (: pancakes ftw!


<3

The past never dies

It really doesn't. You need to stop. You are the start of this. The root of my problem. You know your looks & personality is just irristable if you try hard enough. Honestly. Go back to her & leave me out of this. I want to stay your friend, but if i keep texting you you're going to think more of it than i want you too. I'm finally free from whatever stupid grip i let you get on me. I have Tom. I have my best friend. Someone who i'm sure is a better lover than you anyway. And no. I would rather not find out if that's true. Go away. Leave me alone. You don't give a shit about me in the first place if you honestly want to push this. You know you're the reason for John being pissed, so stop & go away. And again, i have Tom. He's infinitely better than you. He's been here for me through so much. Over years. Just uh-mazing. Tom beats you out Moses ten fold, no more, but still. Basically... get the fuck out. You've ruined too much already. Tom is perfect. This is perfect. hwell. Not perfect, but it can be. Not like with you Moses. No. Get out. You confuse me so... Like you just kind of pop in & out when its convenient for you. I was actually excited to see we were able to be friends when i got those tickets for you. But you still semi-ignored me at the show. That whole month or two or three you blew me off over you did all this shit that messed with my head... why?! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUUUCK ALONE!

speaking of which. i don't know what to say or what to do when it comes to this. you're almost bi-polar with how you act. in my gut i feel like something is wrong. but then again the way you pulled me into when i moved away, the what i took as a sweet goodnight text. not even that! there are other things you've said in the week that i was your girl that just... ah! still. you said that was the last kiss at least three times. but then yesterday there were no kisses. and you seemed totally put off... but then you texted me. you want that photo of us up... fuck. i think too much.


i wish i woke up next to you this morning. i love waking up to your face monster <3 Je t'aime.

ps. i love it when you whisper te amo to me. ( D: oh god... i can't speak spanish... so that spelling is awful, but i know it means i love you. just like je t'aime)

fml.

It's 3, almost four i won't go to bed till five. at least. i can't sleep...

I am a fuck up. In everything i do. I. Fuck. Up. Like it doesn't mater. I fuck up. I have a fucked up way of thinking. I know. I know i am no where near perfect. But tonight was. That talk in the car was. It made me so happy. I can't even tell you. Never in my wildest dreams would i have expected to hear anything you told me. Jealous? Really? That's what it was? You like me. As more than your best friend. I just... i would have never known. I am so glad i have you. I'm glad we have this. I'm glad i have you to hold me. I can't believe you feel the same way i feel. You held my hand. You took cute pictures with me & with rae. I've never had so much fun in my life. I love you. I adore you. I want to live in that moment forever. Forever. Everything was real. The sex. The kisses. The sweet words. You felt like i was your girl & you liked it? Me too! I want to be your girl. I feel so amazing that you chose me as your first. There is a part of me that wishes i waited for you. Something legit. Not that John wasn't. But this is perfect. The more i think about the more perfect it feels. My parents love you. Yours love me. Our parents love each other. You're my best friend. What could be better? We have the means & oppertunity to spend all the time we need together. I think it can work. My heart pounds in my chest & i have all these butterflies in my tummy when i'm with you. I love when you play with my hair & when i lay in your lap. You're amazing & so utterly handsome i can't even describe it. (: I've never been happier & with you i feel like i can do anything & everything is okay & nothing bothers me when i'm with you. I love you.

But of course, everything amazing is so short lived. I didn't want you to read my thoughts that are fucked up & worried & scared. Of course you read the wrong thing. It's not want you think. I thought... when i said that, i thought, i felt like i was being used. I was scared. I don't want to be one of those girls. I'm not a fuck buddy. I didn't want to be, but at the same time... i'd be anything for you. Your friend. Best friend. Fuck buddy. Girlfriend. I don't care. I just want to be there. I want to take care of you. I want to do anything & everything with you. It's not that i miss john. I miss sex with someone i know loves me. I'm tired of this bullshit of being 'with' someone and not, you know with someone. Like is it so wrong to want to be in a relationship where someone fucking wants me for once?! UGH! So fucking stupid. I'm scared. I'm tired & i'm scared. His face broke my heart... i couldn't do anything but cry. We talked. But will he ever actually talk to me again? He... like... i just don't know... He said not to over think this. He said he wasn't mad, but he looked like it. Acted like it too. But he hugged me & he kissed me.

What does this mean?

I ruined everything didn't I? He'll never love me. It'll never be good. It'll never be perfect. Why am i such a fail...

I actually managed to stay sober for most of tonight. Going to sleep coherent...

'sitting, waiting, wishing'

Why am i doing either of these? Just because you said cute sweet things? Because I want it to be more than what it is? 'fuck buddies' That's all he wants. Right? Then why did he tell me his favorite part was kissing me? Why does he kiss me like that? And hold me. It means something right? This was a horrible idea. I have too many feelings. I'm making this more in my head, in my heart than it should be. For all i know he's blowing me off to hang out with her. Maybe it didn't mean anything to him. I talked to Rae. You apparently talked such mad shit. She's shocked we've been hanging out this much. You couldn't stand me a week ago. I am being played aren't i? Well, i'm making myself being played? I mean he did say this was "practice" so i shouldn't be upset if this is practice for him to...

What the fuck. I am such an idiot. I shouldn't be waiting up for him, but i want to see him so bad.

Over my head

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head


Really, it's what I do. I get in way over my head, but at the same time, who better to get in over my head with than you?
The best person to do this with, do that with, would be you, my best friend. It was amazing. The best ever. I just hope it was real. It was for me. Like i said, i wouldn't do that, i wouldn't say this, if i didn't love you. And i do. More than i should. I'm scared though. Worried beyond all belief that this is a one sided affair. That this is another trick from... who knows. Why me? Like you've had the opportunity. You've had the girls. You kissed one saturday. I don't even know what kind of a kiss that was. Or why its your default. Were you trying to drop that burden so you could go be with her? Is that what i was?

FUCK.

Why can't i just find someone who loves me for me? And wants to be with me because i'm me. Where is my true love? Hm?

Part of me is ecstatically happy & blown away & just amorous. The other part is worried & scared.
Part of me thinks, he's still your best friend. Look at how he was acting before. The snuggling. You've seen him everyday since then. Then again, he did ignore you straight up for over a month & told you to fuck off...


i wish i could read minds...

this is like another drug, but better & stronger than the last

Even though i tried promising myself i wouldn't go there, i did. And i'm kinda addicted to it, to you. Don't let me go. Don't go for her. Please? I kinda adore you dearly. And i can't stand to think of you as someone else's. I know this will only get me hurt. You're probably not thinking what i'm thinking and what i'm feeling. It's not your fault. It's mine. I went in with feelings, but i will come back with nothing.

secrets

I have a secret that i can't tell anyone. It's the most amazing thing ever though. It's possibly not the wisest thing considering who you are, who our friends are, and hwell, our feelings. My feelings. Let's say that this little messing around deal turns into something serious, i think everyone is right, it would be a great relationship. I was into it last night becuase i adore you. It was so weird at first, but now it's just amazing. Kissing you is amazing. I don't even mind the marks. (: It's kinda cute you wanna leave one. I kinda want one. I hope nothing changes. I hope it's not just for the sake of it at the same time... I'm conflicted.



I love you. toujours.