today was the last day of choir i will ever experience in high school. it was very bitter sweet sitting on the floor cross-legged, tissues in hand crying with my best friend, tommy. it's hard to look at that room & not cry knowing what i'm leaving behind. that room, is not just a room to me. which is why i hate it when people disrespect choir, that room, or music in any way, shape or form. four years ago i came to hamilton not knowing a soul. first day of school i walked into that room and was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to be my friend. Jason & Kyle were two of the first. I can't even tell you what they've done for me. Kyle is who i've looked up to as an officer for the last four years. He was always so amazing & supportive, as an officer, as a friend, and just as a person. He wrote in my yearbook, "don't ever change & watch after mrs evans," haven't missed a beat since.
Jason, god Jason, where do i even start with you? We had our sophomoric romance for that short period of time, and regardless of it's odd ending we're still close. Not that i even thought that would keep us apart, know you. Jason has been here with me through so much. I've been stupid. Really stupid. I've done & said stupid things. Aaand then i've continued to do stupid things even after i've acknowledged i'm wrong, but continued on just to save my pride. Through it all, even after i've lost everyone else, i still had Jason. Even our worst moments weren't all that bad. I can't say i've stayed close with too many people through all four years of high school. And i mean, day one to day... whatever tomorrow is. Through ridiculous and amazing highs to the lowest of the lows, he's held my hand. I don't think words can describe how i feel for him. Well, three words are pretty good for this one i suppose. I love you. Yet, somehow, it's still not enough.
That room, brought me to Talyah. While she turned out to not be the best of friends a person could have, she still taught me so much. I loved every horribly, wonderful minute of our friendship. While we ended on a terrible note & an even more terrible falling out. I truly do miss you. I miss how we were. I miss my sister. I miss someone looking out for me. Even through a lot of the horrible things that went down between us, i can't bring myself to regret one second of it. I ended up learning so much from you & our friendship. I ended up learning a lot about myself & because of you i became part of a family.
Which brings me to my brother, who i also met in that room. Actually, at a party at kyle's house. But we grew closer in our lunches sitting in that hallway. Sol & schola was amazing with him. Evan saved my life from a terrible relationship. He taught me how to be strong. He taught me what it means to be a fighter & a survivor. Because of Evan i can literally face anything & confidence. I guess knowing he'll always be there to back me up helps a ton too. You know, even though Evan & i have had our spats, somehow, in the end we look past it & remember why we're brother & sister. Not to mention, because of him i ended up finding the courage to say yes to John.
Dear god. The choir room has shown me love & sanctuary in so many ways. John Christopher Brady. You will always be the love of my life. Even now. I have a strong feeling we'll end up together. No doubt, it's because of that room & the love we both have for music that keeps us falling for each other. He had me when you held me & sang "Star of the County Down." His voice was shaky & filled with fear, yet there was so much sincere love in it. I couldn't help falling in love with him. Our year in schola together was the greatest year of my life. Sitting next to him. Singing my heart out. What's a better way to spend my day? Boston will always be ours. Disneyland will always be our special place for each other. Without that room, we may have never been able to have those night under the stars, forever embracing each other, deftones playing our song softly. I will always love you. I hope it's in our stars that we get back together. i still feel like we have more to do. There is so much more i have to say to you. It's too bad i can't find all the words. Good thing is we're not done.
Oh tommy monster. where has time gone? I feel like these two years of friendship have been so much more, so much longer. I couldn't imagine myself sharing this year with anyone but you. You have quickly become my best friend. You have held my hand & been my rock through so much. You've touched me in so many ways & helped me through things i never thought i could go to you for. You're such a caring person & like so many other choir vikings i've met you're soul is nothing like the crazy spirit you front to the world. You're my best friend. Hands down. I love how i can just show up at your house & walk in like i live there. I'm glad i'm some one you feel you can turn to in your times of need. I'm glad you asked me to sit there & cry with you. I'm glad you let me in, you invite me in. I'm hoping me sitting on the couch crying with you & snuggling up to you made you feel more human again when you couldn't feel much of anything. I wish i could take all your pain away love. I know i can handle it because i have you. Tommy, this year has been so much more than what i would have imagined at the beginning & it's all because of you. My feast partner, my best friend, my sol mate. I won't even sit here & go back over the memories we've shared only because we're not even close to being finished making them.
Alicia, my dearest & other bestest friend, i met you through your boyfriend, who i met through mine. Goodness me, what a friendship this has been. Quite the spunky child you are. (: I really thought alicia was a total homewrecker at first. I've never been so happy to be proven wrong. The choir room, and music really has been known to teach that judgement is stupid. No one is what they look like, because they're usually so much more amazing. Which is exactly how alicia is. She's just amazing & has been another one of those people who have taught me to live life with a strong conviction & even stronger heart. She's so kind & caring & i love her forgiving spirit & just how open we are with each other. I love how we can be so mean but with so much love in every punch to the boob. She's shown me what real best friends do. She's kept my spirits high all year. I don't think i could have made it through disneyland without her. Plus, the party she threw for me was just...breath taking. The fact she went through so much for me made my cry. She's quite literally held my hand through everything this year. Every fight, every break-up or break-up like moment, she was on the phone with me day or night for however long i needed her, and even at some points tell her Robert to fuck off. <3
Oh Robert, you've been such an ass, and yet somehow one of my greatest friends just because i know after that concert, when alicia was out there holding my hand as i cried on her shoulder, you came out & said you were proud of me & i had done the right thing. I've always loved you dearly even when you're making fun of me for whatever reason you can think of. (: Thank god i'm over trying to figure you out. You've always been the straight forward ass & it's actually, truthfully, helped me a lot in some ways. You tell it how it is, and yet i know that even through the harsh words you're one of the kindest people i know.
The choir room is an amazing, wonderful & always changing place. This year, that room brought me to friends i would have never expected to make. Danielle, you're probably one of the sweetest girls i've had the pleasure to know. You're as sweet as you are beautiful. I sincerely regret not getting to know you better, but thank god you're going to ASU because now we can work on making some wonderful college memories. I hate how we let high school interfere in what could potentially be an absolutely amazing friendship, but at least we have it all down now. I adore your spirit & love smile & how it just brightens the room. (: Thank god for choir. I'm so glad we had a chance to enjoy schola together & had that time in Cali as a group. You're a gorgeous person, inside & out.
I know there's more, but through these tears i can't bring myself to say much more than i love you all.
that final was the hardest test i've ever taken.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
eff my life
i had planned to write about my amazing day yesterday, but her face. Her face calling him "gorgeous." Bitch. step off. look i took him from you once. I dare you to try me again. FYI. valkyries are ugly... god damn. i wish i could tell john to tell her eff off again. because really, i can tell you what she'll be a hindrance. i'm not the jealous type, but i don't trust her talking to him.
you know, an extended break up will teach you many things. i spent most of yesterday in your arms and oh how i've missed them. i still fit in your hugs like they were made fore me. Your eyes, that deep blue. Your face, your oh so irish face, with your irish features, just like mine. Our histories are so intertwined. How could we not be perfect for each other. The one thing i'm still missing is that sweet, sweet taste of your lips on mine. I'm tired of being over you. I'm done with being "moved on." I still love you. We still fit. The way you said, "i miss you. i love you," that tells me i know you're feeling it too. But question is, are either of us strong enough, willing enough to take that giant jump into the other? I want to ask you to forget the past & look forward to the bright future, but can you take my hand & say yes. Oh my.
i think because i'm so pissed off about her that i've spoiled what i wanted to say about you. i should stop writing until i'm able to get over her stupid face.
you know, an extended break up will teach you many things. i spent most of yesterday in your arms and oh how i've missed them. i still fit in your hugs like they were made fore me. Your eyes, that deep blue. Your face, your oh so irish face, with your irish features, just like mine. Our histories are so intertwined. How could we not be perfect for each other. The one thing i'm still missing is that sweet, sweet taste of your lips on mine. I'm tired of being over you. I'm done with being "moved on." I still love you. We still fit. The way you said, "i miss you. i love you," that tells me i know you're feeling it too. But question is, are either of us strong enough, willing enough to take that giant jump into the other? I want to ask you to forget the past & look forward to the bright future, but can you take my hand & say yes. Oh my.
i think because i'm so pissed off about her that i've spoiled what i wanted to say about you. i should stop writing until i'm able to get over her stupid face.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
april 26th & the vurry last xanga ever written
i've kept every note you've ever written me. i've kept them in a box and not have i even once thought of destroying what we are, what we were. i can't keep myself from thinking about you. i really want to just stop loving you so this all goes away. i thought i was okay. i thought i was over you. seeing you on that stage last night made me want to cry. and i did. i just couldn't help but think how amazing you look and how i want to just take you home and be in your arms. i've tried to forget. i really have. i didn't put up a huge fight when shammy deleted you out of my life. i'm trying to find someone else to fill your space so i can forget. i want to. no. no, i really don't. you said, you'll find someone better. nope. i won't i've been looking. i really have been. the boys i've come across are sweet. they're cute, but not my type in looks. they're smart. they like music, sort of. we can talk. but they're not you. i don't even know what else to say...
god. lauren & i had this conversation about the notes we would write each other. i told her i saved them. they were all right next to yours. i opened all of them penguin. you wrote me a letter for everyday you were gone with sol. you drew me our penguin, gave him hats and scarves. you drew me a cute little dino with a candycane. you drew me flowers & lions. you wrote words i'll never forget. you were amazing and sincere. you were perfect. you are perfect. god, looking up at you just hurt. i want you. i want you to hold me & kiss me. i'm not over you. how could i ever? i love you. always.
fuck my life. i want to do the right thing damn it.
god. lauren & i had this conversation about the notes we would write each other. i told her i saved them. they were all right next to yours. i opened all of them penguin. you wrote me a letter for everyday you were gone with sol. you drew me our penguin, gave him hats and scarves. you drew me a cute little dino with a candycane. you drew me flowers & lions. you wrote words i'll never forget. you were amazing and sincere. you were perfect. you are perfect. god, looking up at you just hurt. i want you. i want you to hold me & kiss me. i'm not over you. how could i ever? i love you. always.
fuck my life. i want to do the right thing damn it.
March 21st
I've been thinking about fate a lot. Like it was fate for me to meet John when i did. I feel like we're connected with weird ways that i've never had with others before. I feel like it's fate i became such good friends with Shammy when i did because of her i've made so many positive life style changes. I think it's fate breaking up with John when we did. I think it's fate that i've met all the people i've met, when i've met them since the break up. I think it's fate i've learn the things about myself from the new friends i've made. Like, meeting Derek and spending time with has taught me a lot. This last week or so a strange conversation that wasn't meant to express changes made ended up being about these new life i feel i've found. And now that i've thought about it, with out trying things have really changed. After i thought about it i had a conversation with Shammy. Honestly, I have made some changes. I'm really happy with them. I used to find consistency within John, with having him around and a huge part of my life for so long. The last two and a half years i spent it around John, basing it off of John, around him. He's amazing, but that was awful and unhealthy to an extreme. As of recently i've begun keeping a journal daily and devoting an hour to reading of all sorts. Bible. Chuck. Some book shammy gave me (; I've begun to look forward to things that are going to be here forever no matter what. Music. Jesus. My family. Books. It makes me feel safe, the same way John always did, but better. I never have to worry or pressure them to be there for me. They just are. inanimate & intangible, totally, but i talk to my laptop & cd player. Inanimate has never bothered before. I find comfort in knowing that my music will always be here; all day, everyday. Jesus will love me unconditionally. And books will always be here to teach me things, make me laugh, make me cry, help me through everything & make me feel not so alone. It's amazing, not that John wasn't amazing, but i know leaning on him like that put so much strain where it wasn't needed. Aside from that, but i feel very strong, like i've survived something and nothing else can hurt me. I'm strengthened through my dear friends Shammy, Kristen, Tommy, & Jason. Oh, what would i do without you. <3 You know, every time John & i break up i am thrown into this horrible... just it's not good. Ever since this last break though i feel invigorated and strong, like i can really do anything. Spending time with derek, getting close to him has been amazing. I've become attached to him. He left for Florida. One week gone. I missed him. I wish i could see him, but i wasn't destroyed. I was ever just as happy before he left. I called him & left a message to say i hope you have fun & i wish you well. That was all. I feel good. I feel strong. I'm not overly dependent on him, or anyone. So i'm not a hassle to them like i was with John. I would constantly text him & spazz when i didn't hear from him, always thinking the worst too. I don't even know what "the worst" was, but clearly nothing happy. (: Whenever there was a problem between the two of us i let it devour my life. It affected my mood. I was so sad and couldn't do anything & then would never do anything to rectify the issue. Now, i don't have problems, but if i did i'd attack the sucker head on fools ;D Aside from just being happy and dependent on myself, not allowing others & issues with people to affect my happiness and who i am i'm making more friends. I'm happy. So since i am happy & single & quite care free, i go out more. I make new friends & have the craziest times. I feel hella daring. I STOLE A STREET SIGN & PUT IT IN AN OLD MAN'S BACKYARD WITH SHAMMY!! It was awesome! Speaking of daring though, as shammy pointed out i'm so much MORE up front with everything. I told off my parents & now i have a life. This spring break was the best i've ever had. I've gone out every day. My curfew, nearly non existent. I was with tom, i said i'd be home at 6 i came home at 8. (: Shammy & i were at the mall. Out of now where i call, "is it fine if i get lunch & go to casey's for an hour or so?" and i did. Shammy is allowed to come & go as she pleases. Derek just randomly shows up at my house & no one cares. They let me do things. Oh, is it grand. (: And i've come to find, i don't give a damn what anyone thinks, ever. Not even my parents. I know in school i'm trying my best. If i get a C that means i didn't understand something & i need work, but i did my best. You know, i'm not a bad child. I don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't do anything stupid. I'm a good kid. I take AP classes because i enjoy the challenge. If i try hard, who cares? I know it's stupid, but i used to care a lot about what my friends thought of me. Make up. Hair. clothes. Everything. I don't give a flying fuck now. (: I'm more open & straight forward with EVERYONE. The only person i'm not MORE straight forward with is Shammy, and that's because i'm already overly open with her. I've been telling everyone everything. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. Silly, depressing, random, horrible, amazing. The things i would normally never let leave my lips till it was too late, all out in the open. The things i would be to afraid to tell to John, the things i was afraid to let in the open, the things i would wait on & let fester in my mind till it's too late and more than i can handle, i let those monsters out right away. (: haha. I feel good about it. I feel good letting everyone know. I know we broke up for a reason. I mean, as Shammy says everything happens for a reason. I honestly think this happened because the progression of time since we broke up, the things that have happened, the things i've heard or i've witnessed in that time has made me realize a few things that i needed to see. First, i hate this ridiculous cycle we have that everyone points out. Hi. (: I'm not retarded. I see it too. I hate it. I sit there and say i say to Shammy how i hate that it repeats and it never seems to end. I want an end to it. So when i came to my senses I decided to listen to his friend and get over him, or try to. I understand now that we need to, well at the very least, i need to mature. There were so many times, so many incidences, fights, all out brawls that could have been avoided if i would have dropped my selfish insecurities and thought about John, the love of my life, things would have been different. Of course, i only realize this now, after it matters, after it's too late to do anything. It took me awhile to understand that two people could grow apart, like away from each other, not from each other & have it be beneficial to the relationship. You know, i honestly want to stop this stupid cycle. You know, i this is the first time i've ever decided to take a step back and take a long serious look at this. I'm tired of the temporary fixes. I want something permeant. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the high school relationship. I want, wanted a real relationship that would turn into something real that would go beyond high school. John is my first true love. I love him dearly. I want, wanted him forever. I understand that won't happen. I mean his friends have made it clear i should move on, of which i am trying to. Promise. I've been sort of seeing people. Hanging out with other guys who i'm not 100% sure how i feel about them. There is one thing or another about them i enjoy, but no one is you. I want to be friends with him. That's all i've wanted ever since we broke up. You know i'm not looking for a relationship. With anyone. I'm kind of just going along testing waters. Honestly, seeing other people has made me appreciate what i had with him. I miss him dearly. I know we can't be together, but i want him as a friend at least. And if something ended up happening later on down the road... maybe it would work with all the time that has past & with all the growing we've done. You know? I want to build a better friendship with him. I do hope for a relationship, a chance to make everything right. A chance for that ideal relationship we always talked about and hoped for. It's odd. I know we could have it, in the sense that it's available to us now. Or to me & whomever i'm with. It's so ironic, but amazing.
I didn't intend for this to turn into something about John. (: Haha. It's just that the whole reason this got brought up was because of him and messages back and fourth between Robert & i really. Oh well, I WAS writing because i'm rather proud of myself and the progress i've mad personally within my life. The changes i've made i made without thinking about them i suppose. I never set out to find consistency in music or god or books or journals. Even though i should have in the first place, i didn't. You would think i would have given my life to music a long time ago, and i thought i had, but i really have now. I find more peace & comfort in music now than i ever have before. (: I didn't sit there & say i'm going to be "straight forward" with people & my parents & change how i look at relationships. It just happened because i was angry and upset with how my life was. I did something little because i hated how i was living my life. It was never to fullest, and honestly now it is and i'm so freaking happy. <3
I'm so thankful for everything. I'm trying to move on from all this petty high school drama. (: I want a more mature, fulfilled happy life and i want all of you in it! <3
Part 2 of this daaay (:
So this break up has been the single most amazing thing ever to happen to self esteem. Now that i'm single people i haven't said more than five words to in the last 3 years are tell me how they like me and they've always thought i was beautiful. I'm not complaining at all. I feel really good about myself though. I want to attribute some of this to the changes i've made to my life, hopefully it makes me a more attractive person, personality wise. (: Anyway, it's weird that all the boys like me now, but i feel good about it. You getting compliments like i have been. It's really nice. I'm worried becuase i'm not sure what to do. Like i've never really had to deal with turning people down before this, but i dunno. Haha. (:
I'm seventeen, single, and fabulous.
Come & get me.
I didn't intend for this to turn into something about John. (: Haha. It's just that the whole reason this got brought up was because of him and messages back and fourth between Robert & i really. Oh well, I WAS writing because i'm rather proud of myself and the progress i've mad personally within my life. The changes i've made i made without thinking about them i suppose. I never set out to find consistency in music or god or books or journals. Even though i should have in the first place, i didn't. You would think i would have given my life to music a long time ago, and i thought i had, but i really have now. I find more peace & comfort in music now than i ever have before. (: I didn't sit there & say i'm going to be "straight forward" with people & my parents & change how i look at relationships. It just happened because i was angry and upset with how my life was. I did something little because i hated how i was living my life. It was never to fullest, and honestly now it is and i'm so freaking happy. <3
I'm so thankful for everything. I'm trying to move on from all this petty high school drama. (: I want a more mature, fulfilled happy life and i want all of you in it! <3
Part 2 of this daaay (:
So this break up has been the single most amazing thing ever to happen to self esteem. Now that i'm single people i haven't said more than five words to in the last 3 years are tell me how they like me and they've always thought i was beautiful. I'm not complaining at all. I feel really good about myself though. I want to attribute some of this to the changes i've made to my life, hopefully it makes me a more attractive person, personality wise. (: Anyway, it's weird that all the boys like me now, but i feel good about it. You getting compliments like i have been. It's really nice. I'm worried becuase i'm not sure what to do. Like i've never really had to deal with turning people down before this, but i dunno. Haha. (:
I'm seventeen, single, and fabulous.
Come & get me.
March 19th
i hate those fucking pictures because i hate your fucking face & remembering those stupid fucking kisses.
of course this is because i miss them all terribly.
oh i'm angry with you! i'm so upset with you i want to punch you! I want to just sit in your arms and cry. I love you. I want...so much. Why can't i take all of it back? I wish i could take everything i have now & go back six months & just redo all of that. I want to fix it. I know what happened. I know what needs to be said instead of those hateful & hurtful words. I miss you. Everything about you. Why don't you miss me too. If we both missed each other at least i'd have you in that sense. Ugh. I want to know why. It's not even fair. i hate this. I just want to feel you next to me again. you know penguin, i've done something every day this break. i wanted all of it to be with you. i hate to even say it out loud where someone can fucking see it, but when i went out with derek to see watchmen i fucking thought of you. The whole fucking time. We were supposed to see it together. I hate you. I hate you. D:
asdfghjkl.
i want you to hold me & tell me you love me. i want to forget about our past and start over. <3
i hate this.
of course this is because i miss them all terribly.
oh i'm angry with you! i'm so upset with you i want to punch you! I want to just sit in your arms and cry. I love you. I want...so much. Why can't i take all of it back? I wish i could take everything i have now & go back six months & just redo all of that. I want to fix it. I know what happened. I know what needs to be said instead of those hateful & hurtful words. I miss you. Everything about you. Why don't you miss me too. If we both missed each other at least i'd have you in that sense. Ugh. I want to know why. It's not even fair. i hate this. I just want to feel you next to me again. you know penguin, i've done something every day this break. i wanted all of it to be with you. i hate to even say it out loud where someone can fucking see it, but when i went out with derek to see watchmen i fucking thought of you. The whole fucking time. We were supposed to see it together. I hate you. I hate you. D:
asdfghjkl.
i want you to hold me & tell me you love me. i want to forget about our past and start over. <3
i hate this.
Feb 20th
Hanging out with Evan today made me realize that John and i are done forever, if not just for now. I sat there crying on his shoulder asking the unavoidable question of, "what did i do wrong?" He replied, "you didn't. He's stupid. He made promises he couldn't keep." Obviously, but what were those. "He didn't realize how long forever is." I wonder what i did to deserve this sometime. I gave him everything I am, my heart, my soul, my body; all i get in return are broken promises. I'm horrible too. I try so hard to forget & to move on, but it's hard when our life is here. I had to drive right past John in order to get to Evan's house. I always wonder if i'll run into John when i go get sushi. I wonder walking to choir if i'll bump into him leaving. It's hard to just forget your life. I've had to separate myself from my friends. But at the same time, i feel this is right. I mean, i've reconnected with everyone i stopped talking to because of John. Was it a bad relationship? Did we ever really love each other?
I suppose only time will tell at this point. This leans into my whole thoughts & feelings on how everything happens for a reason. Hm. I Have too many thoughts for today, but i can't get them all straight. It's driving me crazy. What am i to do? Should i take Evan's advice & give Derek a week to decide what we are? Or let time takes its own course? I want it all the take the course that leaves me from being hurt.
I just don't want to hurt anymore.
I suppose only time will tell at this point. This leans into my whole thoughts & feelings on how everything happens for a reason. Hm. I Have too many thoughts for today, but i can't get them all straight. It's driving me crazy. What am i to do? Should i take Evan's advice & give Derek a week to decide what we are? Or let time takes its own course? I want it all the take the course that leaves me from being hurt.
I just don't want to hurt anymore.
Feb 16th-- Senior Project
Four years. Seven minutes. Endless memories.
So, last night was a tearful one. Tears of complete & utter joy mind you. Jason, one of my oldest and dearest friends messaged me in shock to hear i'm single. It's been over a month. He was upset and worried, but most worried. I cried. I was so happy to hear he's worried. For some reason it surprised me, when really it shouldn't have been. I'm glad to hear that through all the time apart, physically & emotionally, we're still amazing friends. It's an amazing feeling. We talked for a while, a couple hours i guess. He said it looks like this was all for the best. I really think it is. I feel stronger. I can feel myself growing up a little. Even if it hurts, even if i want to lash out and cry when i look back at my life, even if i want to go back, i know it's all for the best. He says i've grown a lot. (: I'm glad he can see it. He said as much as he loved the cute little me, he loves the "sophisticated" one more.
Talking to him, i wondered how much i've hurt you, if i've hurt you at all. You know, i never wanted to. I never meant to. I love you. I always have and always will. I just can't be yours anymore my love. I'm someone else's right now, sort of. Not totally, but close enough. I don't want that to hurt you. I thought that was what you wanted. I thought you had someone else anyway. I still don't get why you won't talk to me. I'm not angry with you anymore. I promise. Please talk to me. I miss being your friend. You said forever. You said always. Why does any of this change it?! Penguin...
So aside from Jason, I called Talyah yesterday. It never ceases to amazing how distance means nothing. We both sat there and said our sorries for all the bullshit. It's so stupid between sisters. Jason was amused by how we still ignore everyone in the world for eachother. (: It doesn't surprise me. I don't think we ever really left each other. True friends are really always there, no matter what.
I'm glad i did this project the way i did it. Without it i wouldn't have cried over the things and people who never got tears. It's sad to see how people came and went in my life though. Ryan, Talyah, Evan, Nathan, Evan again (: John Brady. <3 I miss you. I really do. I want all of you (expect for ryan D:<) to come back to me. I miss how we were. I want us to still be.
John Christopher Brady. I will always love you. Please come find me when you're ready. I want to be yours how ever we can be. Even if we're just friends. Penguin <3
So, last night was a tearful one. Tears of complete & utter joy mind you. Jason, one of my oldest and dearest friends messaged me in shock to hear i'm single. It's been over a month. He was upset and worried, but most worried. I cried. I was so happy to hear he's worried. For some reason it surprised me, when really it shouldn't have been. I'm glad to hear that through all the time apart, physically & emotionally, we're still amazing friends. It's an amazing feeling. We talked for a while, a couple hours i guess. He said it looks like this was all for the best. I really think it is. I feel stronger. I can feel myself growing up a little. Even if it hurts, even if i want to lash out and cry when i look back at my life, even if i want to go back, i know it's all for the best. He says i've grown a lot. (: I'm glad he can see it. He said as much as he loved the cute little me, he loves the "sophisticated" one more.
Talking to him, i wondered how much i've hurt you, if i've hurt you at all. You know, i never wanted to. I never meant to. I love you. I always have and always will. I just can't be yours anymore my love. I'm someone else's right now, sort of. Not totally, but close enough. I don't want that to hurt you. I thought that was what you wanted. I thought you had someone else anyway. I still don't get why you won't talk to me. I'm not angry with you anymore. I promise. Please talk to me. I miss being your friend. You said forever. You said always. Why does any of this change it?! Penguin...
So aside from Jason, I called Talyah yesterday. It never ceases to amazing how distance means nothing. We both sat there and said our sorries for all the bullshit. It's so stupid between sisters. Jason was amused by how we still ignore everyone in the world for eachother. (: It doesn't surprise me. I don't think we ever really left each other. True friends are really always there, no matter what.
I'm glad i did this project the way i did it. Without it i wouldn't have cried over the things and people who never got tears. It's sad to see how people came and went in my life though. Ryan, Talyah, Evan, Nathan, Evan again (: John Brady. <3 I miss you. I really do. I want all of you (expect for ryan D:<) to come back to me. I miss how we were. I want us to still be.
John Christopher Brady. I will always love you. Please come find me when you're ready. I want to be yours how ever we can be. Even if we're just friends. Penguin <3
Feb 3rd-- "farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest."
So theses last week, have been so much worse than the last few months & the solace i can take is that the night is darkest just before the dawn. Hopefully, this is my dawn & i'm going to walk away a better, stronger person. I've decided to move forward. Not necessarily on, but just forward. So here is my farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest.
I'm glad you didn't call me monday. I don't think i could face you without tears streaming down my face. I don't even think i could talk to you right now becuase i'm in fear you're just going to say something to hurt me more. All i ever wanted was an explanation. I wasn't ever calling you to get you to be mine again. As i said before, i can't take care of you right now, let alone myself. I'm okay with being friends. In fact, i want that more than anything. I want to build a stronger relationship off of a string friendship. I thought maybe with less pressure to be perfect I could turn to you for comfort. You're the one who told me, let's be friends. You told me, you loved me. I thought everything would be okay. You confuse me now more than ever. I realize, i've done wrong. I shouldn't have called you and said all those nasty things. I was so hurt though that you took our promised & broke them, our sweet little something & erased them like they all meant nothing. From where i am standing this is what it looks like. Well, he dropped all of that fast. I guess it didn't mean as much to him as he said it did. Ouch. I said i was sorry. I gave my peace. What more can i do? Have i done something wrong? You're being awful cruel without a lot of cause or reason. If i've done something, i want you to tell me so i can understand and have a place to work off of. I've just been trying to be friends, but if you want me to go away, i can. In fact, if that's what you wanted from the beginning that's all you had to say. Look, i can accept it if i understand where it's all coming from. There is some much that is happening without any reason what so ever. I'm getting all sorts of mixed and fake answers from everyone. No one really knows what you're thinking or ay least they won't tell me. I can't know what to do if you don't tell me. If you're confused then say it. If you want me gone. Say it. I don't know what to do if you don't tell me, okay? BUt in reality, it's a little late now. I'm so hurt by you. What have I don't to deserve this? Don't i at least deserve answers for me. I hate this. I hate having to wait or chase after you. I shouldn't have to. If you want me, if you love me, i'm right here for the taking. If you don't then say something & leave me to grieve & move on. It's hard to hang on to something that may never grow into something amazing. It's so much false hope. I already feel like crap & talking to you just makes me feel worse because you say whatever you can to break my already dwindling spirit. And remember, this is just all from my perspective. If that's not the case, go ahead, say so now. It hurts to wait like this. I'm tired of this. I hate how this relationship ends up being all about what you want & i feel like my feelings are never taken into consideration. Look, if we love each other, there is no reason for us to stay apart, okay? We can get back together & complete wipe the past of all our mistakes. Never bring them up ever again. We'll keep all of the promised worth keeping & have the relationship we've always wanted. I'll drive over to your house early on saturday mornings, we can lie in bed till noon & then we'll wake up & have pancakes ( :D maybe some sweet & passionate love) you never know. Fridays will be date night, or band night, your choice. Or hell, we can do both that day. We'll spend time here with my family & there with yours. I'll be your ever loyal ever doting wife & make you sweets for band and take care of you when you get sick. We'll never keep our thoughts & desires locked away any more. We'll sleep out under the stars, fall asleep in each others arms. Everything we've ever wanted. If you want it, say so now & it's yours. But if you don't want that, if there is something, someone else out there say so. Because then all of that is someone else's. I'm tired of playing silly games with my heart & you. Until you break the silence, i am gone. I will miss you every single day. I will think about yo every night, every time i look up at your painting hanging on my wall, a lion, a penguin, anything & everything that had to do with you i'll always think of you. Every time i'm lying in bed cold & i'll remember the times you held me close. Whenever my heart is lonely i'm going to remember how you kissed me gently. I don't ever want to erase those messages you left either. They're too sweet & i'm afraid i'll never hear that sweet, tender & sincere tone ever again. I love you with everything i am always & forever.
my best friend, my lover, my penguin.
my john.
I'm glad you didn't call me monday. I don't think i could face you without tears streaming down my face. I don't even think i could talk to you right now becuase i'm in fear you're just going to say something to hurt me more. All i ever wanted was an explanation. I wasn't ever calling you to get you to be mine again. As i said before, i can't take care of you right now, let alone myself. I'm okay with being friends. In fact, i want that more than anything. I want to build a stronger relationship off of a string friendship. I thought maybe with less pressure to be perfect I could turn to you for comfort. You're the one who told me, let's be friends. You told me, you loved me. I thought everything would be okay. You confuse me now more than ever. I realize, i've done wrong. I shouldn't have called you and said all those nasty things. I was so hurt though that you took our promised & broke them, our sweet little something & erased them like they all meant nothing. From where i am standing this is what it looks like. Well, he dropped all of that fast. I guess it didn't mean as much to him as he said it did. Ouch. I said i was sorry. I gave my peace. What more can i do? Have i done something wrong? You're being awful cruel without a lot of cause or reason. If i've done something, i want you to tell me so i can understand and have a place to work off of. I've just been trying to be friends, but if you want me to go away, i can. In fact, if that's what you wanted from the beginning that's all you had to say. Look, i can accept it if i understand where it's all coming from. There is some much that is happening without any reason what so ever. I'm getting all sorts of mixed and fake answers from everyone. No one really knows what you're thinking or ay least they won't tell me. I can't know what to do if you don't tell me. If you're confused then say it. If you want me gone. Say it. I don't know what to do if you don't tell me, okay? BUt in reality, it's a little late now. I'm so hurt by you. What have I don't to deserve this? Don't i at least deserve answers for me. I hate this. I hate having to wait or chase after you. I shouldn't have to. If you want me, if you love me, i'm right here for the taking. If you don't then say something & leave me to grieve & move on. It's hard to hang on to something that may never grow into something amazing. It's so much false hope. I already feel like crap & talking to you just makes me feel worse because you say whatever you can to break my already dwindling spirit. And remember, this is just all from my perspective. If that's not the case, go ahead, say so now. It hurts to wait like this. I'm tired of this. I hate how this relationship ends up being all about what you want & i feel like my feelings are never taken into consideration. Look, if we love each other, there is no reason for us to stay apart, okay? We can get back together & complete wipe the past of all our mistakes. Never bring them up ever again. We'll keep all of the promised worth keeping & have the relationship we've always wanted. I'll drive over to your house early on saturday mornings, we can lie in bed till noon & then we'll wake up & have pancakes ( :D maybe some sweet & passionate love) you never know. Fridays will be date night, or band night, your choice. Or hell, we can do both that day. We'll spend time here with my family & there with yours. I'll be your ever loyal ever doting wife & make you sweets for band and take care of you when you get sick. We'll never keep our thoughts & desires locked away any more. We'll sleep out under the stars, fall asleep in each others arms. Everything we've ever wanted. If you want it, say so now & it's yours. But if you don't want that, if there is something, someone else out there say so. Because then all of that is someone else's. I'm tired of playing silly games with my heart & you. Until you break the silence, i am gone. I will miss you every single day. I will think about yo every night, every time i look up at your painting hanging on my wall, a lion, a penguin, anything & everything that had to do with you i'll always think of you. Every time i'm lying in bed cold & i'll remember the times you held me close. Whenever my heart is lonely i'm going to remember how you kissed me gently. I don't ever want to erase those messages you left either. They're too sweet & i'm afraid i'll never hear that sweet, tender & sincere tone ever again. I love you with everything i am always & forever.
my best friend, my lover, my penguin.
my john.
Jan 22- "Oh how sweet the irony tastes"
So, i had a feeling when i sat down to write this i'd be writing it more than once. :D Third times charm, as they say.
Alright, well this week has been quite humbling & rewarding. I've learned a lot. I usually do after i realize i've got way too much going on. So, i'm never the first to spill my feelings about anything. I'd rather keep it to myself and repair whatever on my own. This week, i just want to talk to everyone. I want someone to say something that takes all the hurt, angry, & betrayal away. Most of the people i call friends aren't completely my friends. It's hard to say anything to them at all. My best friend, she's amazing, but she doesn't understand him at all. It's a difficult place to find myself. So i have just let it all out to anyone who will help me. Which for me feels amazing right now. All my stress it just disappearing. I had my first five hour phone call in a long time that was a lot of randomness & lots of shouting of incoherent things. And no lie, it made me smile so much.
It's amazing how much a like the two main men in my life are. They have the same tastes in nearly everything. It's pretty amazing. I would say they only differ at what is considered "good" music & appropriate hair length, but other than that their pretty dead on with each other. I think its amazing though how both of them know exactly what to do or say to hurt me so much. I love and i hate them so much. Neither of them have the capacity to listen to what i say. My dad treats me like a four year-old when i want to go out. The incessant questions. Why, where, how long, who, what for, parents? I'm two months shy of 18. I'm not a baby. I haven't even done anything wrong. I'm a good kid, a good student, & i have never understood why i can't just go out because i want to. Why must you constantly treat me like a child? By this age i should be able to say, "hey, i'm leaving," & just leave. I hate how i can't live any sort of normal life with you or mom. Seriously, it is so aggravating living here. And the divorce, yeah, i'm not living with either of you because both of you are crazy. Irony: I get my wish now. I yelled so much yesterday. I told my parents it's their fault why i have such weird relationships with all of my friends. I hate how my mom refuses to let people come over. I hate how i can't just leave. Both of them say things about my friends. Horrible things too. My mom just doesn't say it to their face like my dad. He got special attention for that. I hate how he feels the need to tell all of my friends to cut their hair or shave or call them a girl or some other name or pick on them for clothes. Whatever. They're not your kid SHUT UP!
He's the same way though. He never listens to me. He takes in whatever he hears & assumes it true. You did too accuse me & yes then you did ask, well did you? Aaaand i said no. (: Mostly because im not & because i don't even have his number any more. When he blocked me via myspace that was it. No aim. No e-mail. No text. No nothing. (: I was so pissed it's not even funny. Here's the thing: his brother wants the three of us to be buddy-buddy before they leave. It's a nice thought. It's great to reminisce in memories of better times. But you know what else would be nice? A lot things. Like it would be wonderful if my parents would stay together. It would be wonderful if i all sorts of money to pay for college. It would be nice if i was taller & had bigger boobs than Alicia. But there are something in the world that will never be. As sad as that is knowing i will never get taller or have bigger boobs i suppose i have to accept it. Here's the irony, you're talking to the one person i would never want to you talk to & you promised me you wouldn't (: And that's why you're a liar & a promise-breaker! Told you i had valid reasons for that call. I just maybe shouldn't have been talking to shammy when i found out. Oh, oh, oh you didn't even hear the worst of it. If it weren't for Shammy actually to show how much she doesn't hate you, i'm not doing any of it. So you're aware, i wanted you hurt just as bad as i did. I wanted you to cry so hard and break your heart. I wanted to see some emotion from you. And you always say, "i'm always here for you. I'll always care for you." Hi. I'm here. I am in need of care. I need to have one sane person talking to me. I need help through this point in my life. So there. Tis why i called. Oh & it's not cool to get mad at me for calling you, who broke up with me, upset because i'm 'effing heartbroken & all of the above emotions. I was hoping you'd be upset, like i don't know complacent because i said i hate you. (: Also, i heard from a highly reliable source you still think i despise your band. I love that dearly. I absolutely hate your band. So to drive my point home about how much of a burning hate i harbor for these three, four guys i don't know this is what i do and say. "Oh wow! I'm so proud of you! Here, let me take you down to Mill Ave to celebrate how amazing you're doing with your band." Oh sneaky! And of course i offer to bake from scratch cookies, (and i mean scratch flour, eggs, vanilla the whole thing) for people i hate. Hell, i love pissing my mom off fighting over whether or not i should be allowed out that far away from home and for that long only to find out it's a big fat 'effing no, oh and now i'm grounded. I guess people who hate other things move it/them right up there on their top w/e bullshit & make like a special section for them in their music section & offer to come take some badass pictures on a really sexy camera. & All classic signs of a hater i suppose. I mean, i realize i never fully explained why i dislike just the fact i ever see you. Well, okay, the only reason i didn't (and let's all make note of the past tense there) like it was because i only ever really have my weekend free and you started spending all your time with them. Our time was gone. If i wanted to hang out with you i'd have to go with you to a practice of which i can't exactly hang out with you because you'll be practicing. So note the frustration. Not to mention, but i'm not sure if you know, but my parents are 'effing nazis. A's B's are just not good enough in AP classes, i should be coming home with super A's. 3's & 4's on the five hour test for these classes, again, i should be getting 9's (which if you don't know, isn't eve possible. The test is out of 5) Getting into college, not worth any sort of "good job" or "congratulations" from the people who gave birth to me, brought me into the world, raised me. I get more praise from my friends than i do my parents. Do you even know how that feels? I'm degraded for not being perfect. It's really hard to not let that get to you & let it influence your personality & your mentality or stress levels when that's what you have to be in order to get love in your house. Getting a what, 1800 out of 2400 on my first try at the SAT's was not good enough for them. Being in the 10% isn't good enough. Take four AP classes & doing everything i do isn't enough. And they can't appreciate me for what i really love. My mom only comes to my concerts because she has to. It's her "obligation as my parent to go." Thanks, really. Well, i suppose it's better than my dad who has been to one in the last four years & only came because i made him. No, really, thanks guys.
And you know, this thing with Brady gets even better. He has always said to me, "i wish you didn't wear make up. You're so gorgeous with out it." So, tuesday, i wake up late & i'm not really in the mood to do the monotonous hair & make up routine so i skip it and just go to school. I happened to just glance in a mirror & think, "wow, i actually really don't look half bad for just waking up & not doing anything" Curly hair, no make up, jeans, In Flames t-shirt, sweatshirt over that, and a ratty pair of converse has never gotten so many compliments in my life. So because of this rather interesting turn of events i've stopped wearing make up & straightening my hair. It's easier and I look way cute supposedly. And i guess there's some more irony for the week. (: He left me. He tells me "i'll always care..." & so on. He is just amazing. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry (yet, understanding. It's a complicated place in my head.) How is it that i am the one being avoided? How is it that i am the one keeping him in my top spot w/e (actaully to get back at him again, ironically, my number one is now Skywards his band. I like your band more than your face.) How is it that i haven't changed anything on my page pertaining to him? The feelings haven't changed. That's pretty much what he said too, so again, if we feel that way, but just can't take a relationship for obvious, yet quite paradoxical reasons on my part ( i love him & hate him & all guys like my dad right now & think 'love' is bullshit & so on) why don't we just say that's what it is? Why must it be so 'effing black or white? Where did the world's love for abstract go? Especially yours. I don't think i will ever understand this world.
Anyway, that pretty much is all the irony that can fit in one week, or i hope so. One more day, so let's see. (:
Alright, well this week has been quite humbling & rewarding. I've learned a lot. I usually do after i realize i've got way too much going on. So, i'm never the first to spill my feelings about anything. I'd rather keep it to myself and repair whatever on my own. This week, i just want to talk to everyone. I want someone to say something that takes all the hurt, angry, & betrayal away. Most of the people i call friends aren't completely my friends. It's hard to say anything to them at all. My best friend, she's amazing, but she doesn't understand him at all. It's a difficult place to find myself. So i have just let it all out to anyone who will help me. Which for me feels amazing right now. All my stress it just disappearing. I had my first five hour phone call in a long time that was a lot of randomness & lots of shouting of incoherent things. And no lie, it made me smile so much.
It's amazing how much a like the two main men in my life are. They have the same tastes in nearly everything. It's pretty amazing. I would say they only differ at what is considered "good" music & appropriate hair length, but other than that their pretty dead on with each other. I think its amazing though how both of them know exactly what to do or say to hurt me so much. I love and i hate them so much. Neither of them have the capacity to listen to what i say. My dad treats me like a four year-old when i want to go out. The incessant questions. Why, where, how long, who, what for, parents? I'm two months shy of 18. I'm not a baby. I haven't even done anything wrong. I'm a good kid, a good student, & i have never understood why i can't just go out because i want to. Why must you constantly treat me like a child? By this age i should be able to say, "hey, i'm leaving," & just leave. I hate how i can't live any sort of normal life with you or mom. Seriously, it is so aggravating living here. And the divorce, yeah, i'm not living with either of you because both of you are crazy. Irony: I get my wish now. I yelled so much yesterday. I told my parents it's their fault why i have such weird relationships with all of my friends. I hate how my mom refuses to let people come over. I hate how i can't just leave. Both of them say things about my friends. Horrible things too. My mom just doesn't say it to their face like my dad. He got special attention for that. I hate how he feels the need to tell all of my friends to cut their hair or shave or call them a girl or some other name or pick on them for clothes. Whatever. They're not your kid SHUT UP!
He's the same way though. He never listens to me. He takes in whatever he hears & assumes it true. You did too accuse me & yes then you did ask, well did you? Aaaand i said no. (: Mostly because im not & because i don't even have his number any more. When he blocked me via myspace that was it. No aim. No e-mail. No text. No nothing. (: I was so pissed it's not even funny. Here's the thing: his brother wants the three of us to be buddy-buddy before they leave. It's a nice thought. It's great to reminisce in memories of better times. But you know what else would be nice? A lot things. Like it would be wonderful if my parents would stay together. It would be wonderful if i all sorts of money to pay for college. It would be nice if i was taller & had bigger boobs than Alicia. But there are something in the world that will never be. As sad as that is knowing i will never get taller or have bigger boobs i suppose i have to accept it. Here's the irony, you're talking to the one person i would never want to you talk to & you promised me you wouldn't (: And that's why you're a liar & a promise-breaker! Told you i had valid reasons for that call. I just maybe shouldn't have been talking to shammy when i found out. Oh, oh, oh you didn't even hear the worst of it. If it weren't for Shammy actually to show how much she doesn't hate you, i'm not doing any of it. So you're aware, i wanted you hurt just as bad as i did. I wanted you to cry so hard and break your heart. I wanted to see some emotion from you. And you always say, "i'm always here for you. I'll always care for you." Hi. I'm here. I am in need of care. I need to have one sane person talking to me. I need help through this point in my life. So there. Tis why i called. Oh & it's not cool to get mad at me for calling you, who broke up with me, upset because i'm 'effing heartbroken & all of the above emotions. I was hoping you'd be upset, like i don't know complacent because i said i hate you. (: Also, i heard from a highly reliable source you still think i despise your band. I love that dearly. I absolutely hate your band. So to drive my point home about how much of a burning hate i harbor for these three, four guys i don't know this is what i do and say. "Oh wow! I'm so proud of you! Here, let me take you down to Mill Ave to celebrate how amazing you're doing with your band." Oh sneaky! And of course i offer to bake from scratch cookies, (and i mean scratch flour, eggs, vanilla the whole thing) for people i hate. Hell, i love pissing my mom off fighting over whether or not i should be allowed out that far away from home and for that long only to find out it's a big fat 'effing no, oh and now i'm grounded. I guess people who hate other things move it/them right up there on their top w/e bullshit & make like a special section for them in their music section & offer to come take some badass pictures on a really sexy camera. & All classic signs of a hater i suppose. I mean, i realize i never fully explained why i dislike just the fact i ever see you. Well, okay, the only reason i didn't (and let's all make note of the past tense there) like it was because i only ever really have my weekend free and you started spending all your time with them. Our time was gone. If i wanted to hang out with you i'd have to go with you to a practice of which i can't exactly hang out with you because you'll be practicing. So note the frustration. Not to mention, but i'm not sure if you know, but my parents are 'effing nazis. A's B's are just not good enough in AP classes, i should be coming home with super A's. 3's & 4's on the five hour test for these classes, again, i should be getting 9's (which if you don't know, isn't eve possible. The test is out of 5) Getting into college, not worth any sort of "good job" or "congratulations" from the people who gave birth to me, brought me into the world, raised me. I get more praise from my friends than i do my parents. Do you even know how that feels? I'm degraded for not being perfect. It's really hard to not let that get to you & let it influence your personality & your mentality or stress levels when that's what you have to be in order to get love in your house. Getting a what, 1800 out of 2400 on my first try at the SAT's was not good enough for them. Being in the 10% isn't good enough. Take four AP classes & doing everything i do isn't enough. And they can't appreciate me for what i really love. My mom only comes to my concerts because she has to. It's her "obligation as my parent to go." Thanks, really. Well, i suppose it's better than my dad who has been to one in the last four years & only came because i made him. No, really, thanks guys.
And you know, this thing with Brady gets even better. He has always said to me, "i wish you didn't wear make up. You're so gorgeous with out it." So, tuesday, i wake up late & i'm not really in the mood to do the monotonous hair & make up routine so i skip it and just go to school. I happened to just glance in a mirror & think, "wow, i actually really don't look half bad for just waking up & not doing anything" Curly hair, no make up, jeans, In Flames t-shirt, sweatshirt over that, and a ratty pair of converse has never gotten so many compliments in my life. So because of this rather interesting turn of events i've stopped wearing make up & straightening my hair. It's easier and I look way cute supposedly. And i guess there's some more irony for the week. (: He left me. He tells me "i'll always care..." & so on. He is just amazing. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry (yet, understanding. It's a complicated place in my head.) How is it that i am the one being avoided? How is it that i am the one keeping him in my top spot w/e (actaully to get back at him again, ironically, my number one is now Skywards his band. I like your band more than your face.) How is it that i haven't changed anything on my page pertaining to him? The feelings haven't changed. That's pretty much what he said too, so again, if we feel that way, but just can't take a relationship for obvious, yet quite paradoxical reasons on my part ( i love him & hate him & all guys like my dad right now & think 'love' is bullshit & so on) why don't we just say that's what it is? Why must it be so 'effing black or white? Where did the world's love for abstract go? Especially yours. I don't think i will ever understand this world.
Anyway, that pretty much is all the irony that can fit in one week, or i hope so. One more day, so let's see. (:
jan 19th-- "i'm so petty"
well, i am just full of it today. okay. so here are the two blogs from myspace. which i am promptly deleting. or putting away for sometime.
i'm so petty
dear myspace, i have been avoiding you for the last couple days i hoping you wouldn't confirm something i was already positive about. of course, without fail, you didn't let me down. i hate you though. i truly do. i hate that in a strange way an update to a profile makes it official. and if we still feel that way, why don't we keep the sweet things up. i'm almost positive if i changed that picture and made it my default it would cause a scandal. how sad is that? why are you so important to a boy who never updates his page while we're together but the moment there is a 'status change' he is prompt to have that marital error corrected? if i can say i love you, but just can't give you the attention i feel you deserve why can't we just say that? why must all our sweet little nothings be erased? are you terrified or what people may think? that's not like you; so stop. i'm throughly and utterly in love with him. i'm such a terrible person though. i'm proud & i never really let go. i got angry over stupid things. maybe i just need more... but you know, i'm scared of the idea of "love". i sort of connect love & complete liar together now. it's not his fault. it's just what i see. i mean, in an awful way i do connect him to that, yet i understand what he was saying. i feel it too. i'm unhappy in my life. i can't give him happiness if i can't find it for myself. i'm not really trying to do anything anymore. i want the world to sink in while i sit still and watch it pass by. i'm tired of trying to keep up with the world. i'm going to just sit. i do want this in the future though. i want to be yours and i want you to be mine when i can see through all of this again. my heart isn't in to anything i'm doing right now. i'm in need of time to myself. time to readjust to my new family arrangements. i will think about you all the time. i'm going to give you what i can, but i won't limit you, or myself. i will always love you. i hope that what my heart wants it gets, eventually. oh & i lied. oh nine is not a year for reconciling with the world, just with myself. i miss my life.
and you want to hear the worst of all of it
first. i truly am that petty. but "refreshed" & "breathing new air" uhm, i'm not sure how to feel.
why do i actually do this. imma go old school & just delete this. cleanse my life. it's funny because this morning i was willing to let the world see how i see it; now i think i'm cutting myself off again.
&& here is the rest. and then i'm done. i'm becoming quite cynical. even with him, it was all lies. it was fake. i can't believe i fell for this again. you were right. i don't know who you are, but you're right. the ever eternal beast of 'bwahaha. i win you lose' that's who you are. and hey, you are right. i am wrong. you knew what was best all along. you knew that it would be like that. how can i have a relationship. my whole life is dysfunctional. i can't do anything right. my pride is awful. and i didn't want this to be like this. i wanted to break up and not have these awful crying at my computer writing something thoughtful moments; which i got anyway. how can i love if it's all lies? how can anyone love? how can you have such happy things to say. i was stale air for you? thanks. well you're just... not cool. ohh. now what.
don't i like myself
i'm so petty
dear myspace, i have been avoiding you for the last couple days i hoping you wouldn't confirm something i was already positive about. of course, without fail, you didn't let me down. i hate you though. i truly do. i hate that in a strange way an update to a profile makes it official. and if we still feel that way, why don't we keep the sweet things up. i'm almost positive if i changed that picture and made it my default it would cause a scandal. how sad is that? why are you so important to a boy who never updates his page while we're together but the moment there is a 'status change' he is prompt to have that marital error corrected? if i can say i love you, but just can't give you the attention i feel you deserve why can't we just say that? why must all our sweet little nothings be erased? are you terrified or what people may think? that's not like you; so stop. i'm throughly and utterly in love with him. i'm such a terrible person though. i'm proud & i never really let go. i got angry over stupid things. maybe i just need more... but you know, i'm scared of the idea of "love". i sort of connect love & complete liar together now. it's not his fault. it's just what i see. i mean, in an awful way i do connect him to that, yet i understand what he was saying. i feel it too. i'm unhappy in my life. i can't give him happiness if i can't find it for myself. i'm not really trying to do anything anymore. i want the world to sink in while i sit still and watch it pass by. i'm tired of trying to keep up with the world. i'm going to just sit. i do want this in the future though. i want to be yours and i want you to be mine when i can see through all of this again. my heart isn't in to anything i'm doing right now. i'm in need of time to myself. time to readjust to my new family arrangements. i will think about you all the time. i'm going to give you what i can, but i won't limit you, or myself. i will always love you. i hope that what my heart wants it gets, eventually. oh & i lied. oh nine is not a year for reconciling with the world, just with myself. i miss my life.
and you want to hear the worst of all of it
first. i truly am that petty. but "refreshed" & "breathing new air" uhm, i'm not sure how to feel.
why do i actually do this. imma go old school & just delete this. cleanse my life. it's funny because this morning i was willing to let the world see how i see it; now i think i'm cutting myself off again.
&& here is the rest. and then i'm done. i'm becoming quite cynical. even with him, it was all lies. it was fake. i can't believe i fell for this again. you were right. i don't know who you are, but you're right. the ever eternal beast of 'bwahaha. i win you lose' that's who you are. and hey, you are right. i am wrong. you knew what was best all along. you knew that it would be like that. how can i have a relationship. my whole life is dysfunctional. i can't do anything right. my pride is awful. and i didn't want this to be like this. i wanted to break up and not have these awful crying at my computer writing something thoughtful moments; which i got anyway. how can i love if it's all lies? how can anyone love? how can you have such happy things to say. i was stale air for you? thanks. well you're just... not cool. ohh. now what.
don't i like myself
Jan. 18th somewhere between agheron & styx
my sin is pride & i'm proud of it. i know how utterly and believably horrible that sounds. honestly, no, i'm not proud of how shamefully prideful i am. i always say i won't be prideful i won't let it ruin my relationships. i always say i won't let my need to perfect affect who i am.
it always does.
that fight was stupid. do you even know what started it? my damned pride. i know why you don't think you know me any more. i'm hiding again. i'm shrinking away from everything and everyone. i'm scared. to be honest, i'm terrified. i'm terrified about a lot right now. my whole family is crumbling. how is it that you're together for twenty years and have three kids and just decide you're done? how can i expect to have anything good in love if can't believe anything anymore. its all lies.
i'm just a horrible person. i'm not strong. i try. i just can't. it hurts. i'm too weak.
aside from all of that, i don't know when to quit. i do things that are too over the top because of my pride. i won't be out done. not by anyone. which is funny, because today, in church, it was all about our little hang-ups, our sins that make out lives fruitless. as i sat there and listened to him say, "the desperate and horrible losses are actual great gains." i thought many things. i thought, well maybe this is good; a break will bring us closer. But how many have we had? why i can't be fixed and stay fixed? i can't just be good and stay good. i make promises to myself & because i'm weak i can't keep a hold of it. why am i so weak? i'm struggling.
i know, i think i know what this is; am i being punished for my pride? the pride that i hold onto with dear life even with my parents. i will never admit defeat, even to my parents now. or myself. what am i?
i lied when i said this is a year of reconciliation. i lied when i said it would be perfect. i lied when i said it would be great. it's going to be another year of learning. and permeant growing and changing.
i am surprised. i took this better than i thought i could. but i think my heart was prepared. i've short have shut down. i'm a horrible person. i want to be away from him because i'm so hurt by life right now i can't give him what he needs. i want us to be together when i can give him everything. Or i want to be his best friend.
god, i'm such a horrible person.
it always does.
that fight was stupid. do you even know what started it? my damned pride. i know why you don't think you know me any more. i'm hiding again. i'm shrinking away from everything and everyone. i'm scared. to be honest, i'm terrified. i'm terrified about a lot right now. my whole family is crumbling. how is it that you're together for twenty years and have three kids and just decide you're done? how can i expect to have anything good in love if can't believe anything anymore. its all lies.
i'm just a horrible person. i'm not strong. i try. i just can't. it hurts. i'm too weak.
aside from all of that, i don't know when to quit. i do things that are too over the top because of my pride. i won't be out done. not by anyone. which is funny, because today, in church, it was all about our little hang-ups, our sins that make out lives fruitless. as i sat there and listened to him say, "the desperate and horrible losses are actual great gains." i thought many things. i thought, well maybe this is good; a break will bring us closer. But how many have we had? why i can't be fixed and stay fixed? i can't just be good and stay good. i make promises to myself & because i'm weak i can't keep a hold of it. why am i so weak? i'm struggling.
i know, i think i know what this is; am i being punished for my pride? the pride that i hold onto with dear life even with my parents. i will never admit defeat, even to my parents now. or myself. what am i?
i lied when i said this is a year of reconciliation. i lied when i said it would be perfect. i lied when i said it would be great. it's going to be another year of learning. and permeant growing and changing.
i am surprised. i took this better than i thought i could. but i think my heart was prepared. i've short have shut down. i'm a horrible person. i want to be away from him because i'm so hurt by life right now i can't give him what he needs. i want us to be together when i can give him everything. Or i want to be his best friend.
god, i'm such a horrible person.
more post from a past life
So talking to Danielle today has been quite up lifting. Once again i've been shown how stupid i am. Never judge a person. Ever. She really quite the sweetheart. I swear to you if anyone ever says anything cruel about her, i will have my viking boys back her up hardcore. (: Seriously, mess with her & you now mess with the choir family. We're sucha Mafia! Anyway, once again, you'd think after Alicia that i would have learned people are never what you hear or what you see. I mean, hell, i thought john wanted to eat me the first time i saw him & in reality, he's the biggest, most cuddliest penguin in the world! Anywho, Danielle is nothing close to the rumors or the facade of person i had been seeing. Anyway, the whole whatever it is, i understood completely. (: Honestly, she's better than me, she held back. I would have killed the girl with John. Straight up slapped her & pushed her over & attempt to beat her up.
Basically, she stumbled upon my blog. I'm really glad she did. I wrote forever ago about how i understand those looks completely. I get the heartache. I get the anger. I understand that complete loss of knowing what to do. Like i said, i get the waking up surprised the sun arose without John. If it was real, if it was love, it wouldn't have ended, not like this. Woah. I get it completely. I still do. But i also get where she's at now. That wanting to move forward, wanting to be friends & just wishing utter bliss for everyone around her. Luckily for me, John & i have been able to get over eachother, the mistakes me we made & forgive each other each. We've even been able to openly express our feelings to each other about how we feel now. Which, i totally get. I love him, but i'm scared of what might happen from that. Losing him over another stupid argument would kill me. Sadly for her, i don't think Casey has fully accpeted everything. The way he would talk about her just gave me this feeling he's not over her. Or i don't know, but he sounds bitter. He doesn't reflect on their time fondly, nor does he respect her. I truly feel for her & hope Casey comes to whatever he needs to grow into so he too can wish her happiness in her life.
So in honor of all of this i want to publish more posts from before my acceptance of well single-ness.
These are post for John, to John, about John. Goodbye's, I hate you's, i miss you's, & i'll always love you's. It's basically everything. (: i don't think i'm brave enough to post a link so, till then pages...
Basically, she stumbled upon my blog. I'm really glad she did. I wrote forever ago about how i understand those looks completely. I get the heartache. I get the anger. I understand that complete loss of knowing what to do. Like i said, i get the waking up surprised the sun arose without John. If it was real, if it was love, it wouldn't have ended, not like this. Woah. I get it completely. I still do. But i also get where she's at now. That wanting to move forward, wanting to be friends & just wishing utter bliss for everyone around her. Luckily for me, John & i have been able to get over eachother, the mistakes me we made & forgive each other each. We've even been able to openly express our feelings to each other about how we feel now. Which, i totally get. I love him, but i'm scared of what might happen from that. Losing him over another stupid argument would kill me. Sadly for her, i don't think Casey has fully accpeted everything. The way he would talk about her just gave me this feeling he's not over her. Or i don't know, but he sounds bitter. He doesn't reflect on their time fondly, nor does he respect her. I truly feel for her & hope Casey comes to whatever he needs to grow into so he too can wish her happiness in her life.
So in honor of all of this i want to publish more posts from before my acceptance of well single-ness.
These are post for John, to John, about John. Goodbye's, I hate you's, i miss you's, & i'll always love you's. It's basically everything. (: i don't think i'm brave enough to post a link so, till then pages...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
if my joys & comforts die i know truth is living
and though the darkness round me close, how can i keep from singing?
so, i just got back from lunch with my big brother. i figure now is as good of time as any to write about the year coming to a close. it's really not even the year coming to a close, it's high school ending and starting a new part of life filled with god knows what. i was sitting in choir today and it was the first time i think i sat there and said, "what the fuck... this isn't schola. get these kids out." haha. yeah, i don't think so. you want to know what schola is? schola is last year with our big voices that carry and kiddos who know what they're doing. and what a year to do regionals! god, SO many of us made it. you know, i enjoy the kids in schola this year, but it's just not my schola. last year we did so much more music i felt that really meant something to us. this year, no one cares. our soprano two section needs to step it up like no other. that's why we didn't go to new york! you know i miss talyah, evan, mason, john, matt & robert. I miss my boys. i miss my friends. you know i have friends in schola, but not that many to where i was hanging out with them all the time out side of choir or even pre-schola. no one in there, expect for tom really knew me before schola this year. No one has the drawings from freshman year still on their bunk-beds thanks to me & tia being extremely bored. None of them traveled out of state to run around disneyland and fall in love. none of them have seen me at my lowest and been there at the highest. i miss my friends. i miss my family. where did that all go?
the very last choir concert i will ever experience as a student at Hamilton ended at nine on may 12th. my life started in that room and i supposed, no, i know that is the only place i can close it. i came here four years ago not knowing a soul. Talyah was just a girl in my french class. Oh, how quickly did we become friends. knowing she's in schola just made me more enthralled by her. we would hang out there. i met kids like Chad because of her. Kyle because of a choir mix up and Jason because of Kyle. I went into schola one day & met tony & matt, who has an amazing sister, Clarissa. Who was in sol with Hiedi & Nao. Matt & Jason were in MC with John & Chad who were friends with Evan & Ryan D. Let's not forge, Schola had Pansmith in it as well. Choir was my life. I had met other people through honors classes like Shammy & Casey, Ari & Lauren, but no one connected with me like my singers did. The people & events from choir really shaped who i am as a person. if life these last four years didn't happen the way it did, the good & the bad i wouldn't be who i am. If i didn't endure the bad & soak up the good i wouldn't be where i am at. if i didn't take my hits from my relationship with talyah. if we didn't get into all those knock-down, drag-out fights & have the teary eyed make up i wouldn't have learned what it is to be a friend. i would have never learned the difference between true friends & those friends who may not have your best interest in mind. if it weren't for her i would have never met john. i would have never felt true love. i would have never experienced heartache & felt strength through my brother evan. if it weren't for meeting evan at Kyle's party i would have never known how strong i am or how much of an epic viking i can be. without my relationship with john, the relationship that in calling it a roller coaster would be a grave understatement, i can tell you i wouldn't have changed and grown as much as i have. If it weren't for my relationship with Pansmith i don't think i would have found the strength jason has to offer me as a friend or Evan's protective brother side or john's utter love & devotion. John was the greatest thing to happen to me. I loved him dearly. There is a part of me that will never stop loving him, but there is a part of me that thinks this is all for the better. look at how much we've changed. do i ever think we'll be together in the future? always as friends, i don't think as lovers. too much has happened that would keep us second guessing and as much as i love you as a lover, i love you more as friend. i will never risk or subject our friendship to what might come from yet another attempt. i'm sorry. oh tommy. i met you in ferra's awful pre-calc class, but bonded over choir. i'm so glad you decided to join choir. sol & schola would be nothing without you. tommy, you've been here for me through everything. you've taught me so much. there is so much i wish i could do for you. our memories from boston & from california will never leave me. you're just the best friend i could ever ask for. i can't even count how many nights you stayed up with me. tommy. there really isn't much more i can say to you, but i can't wait to sing with you more next year. evan, lunch with you was amazing today. i miss you. i miss you in everything i do. thank you for what you taught me, but i can't keep you so close. you've done me wrong too many times... but i'll always care for you. really. i miss last year with all of my friends dearly. whenever i se you guys i feel so amazing and just reminisce in that feeling we had as a family. god, i'm even thankful for robert. yes, even Robert's callous ass-hole attitude is responsible for who i am. oh, yes, he brought me one of my best friends too. i find it funny how all of us who i are "popular" in choir are so close. we're all also great musicians. all in sol as of now. i'm so proud of my alicia for making it. i knew she would. we're a little family that reach back to Travis's generation & beyond. anyhow, because of Robert i have Alicia who has given me strength in a new way. I don't know how to explain it, but she has this spirit that teaches me how to deal with things in a much better way. She's taught me how to NOT be a hot head fire sign or an aries & go at it with my leo counter part. Thank you. you're one of my closest friends baby girl. my birthday was uh-mazing because of you. i love you dearly.
i had written a post a while back thinking about how much has changed in the last few months. it's harder to look back at a year, four years, a lifetime. right now as i think back all i have playing in head is sol's version of seasons of love. how can i measure the changes, the growth? in daylight, in sunsets, in minutes in cups of coffee? in doughnuts & sammiches or Kevin's egg rolls? (: oh yes. we did. I don't want to look back so much on choir anymore, read any given journal or my xanga & you'll have a detailed account of the trails & tribulations of a singer in a huge ass choir. There are people who have come and gone in my life that i didn't expect to. My friends in honors classes freshman year include Ari, Shammy, Casey, Shanna, Emma, Julia, Stephan, Jenni, Joe, Liz, Korey, aubree, kelsey, steve, & a few others. There were some friendships i thought would last forever & others i didn't expect to ever see after that class, but if there is one thing i've learn, ever have expectations, never be disappointed, always be surprised.
Shammy & i met freshman year in our horrible english class. we would talk and laugh, take funny pictures. we never got together outside of school. i was sure that that class would be the one time i would ever have real interaction, i figured she'd always be someone i'd wave at in the hallway, spark random conversations with, but probably never establish anything legit. our short, sweet & overly artistic drawings in year books should have sealed that one, but no. four years later she's my best friend. she held my hand through the death of a dear friend last year & was my support through every fight & break up. she's furthered me in my faith & just lifted out of the the depths i thought i'd never get out of. Her being there through all the john was the most amazing thing ever. she was my weekend escape that helped me see all kinds of new light in my life. new outlets and new escapes i didn't even think was an option for my life. she's been here through everything. I didn't think i could have a friend who valued co-dependance & independence like i did. Someone who realized that for all the time we spent together, we needed apart as well. it's amazing to see how much she's influenced me & who i am. god, john loves you so much baby girl <3 you brought his penguin back time after time with whatever it is you do to bring me back to myself. i love you. there is nothing in this world i could do or so to thank you enough.
Ari was a close friend and we had several classes together. i thought we would stay close. needless to this will end up being a short little comment on how i thought ari & i would continue a friendship through ap classes & we didn't. Korey was someone i just randomly met. That didn't last too long. We talk in random intervals. Nothing of substance is ever discused. Just the basics. Steve. Ah. Another friend i met randomly through someone else in a hallway. i remember seeing his pictures of his face black & blue from a paint ball incident that was not an accident. he had hella short hair and was the literal opposite of a viking. We're still friends four years & thousands of miles later. Steve is my brother. He knew how completely stubborn both John & i were, stuck us in a room, made us talk it out. he's saved the relationship more times than he should have. not that the relationship should have needed saving mind you, but when it did, my other brother was there to step in & save the day as always. he was always driving me home, taking me to coffee & picking up at odd hours in the morning just to talk. I wouldn't think that two years after his graduation he would continue to be my brother, coming to my house for christmas dinner & sharing my bed with me because i'm more family than anyone.
Kelsey. I supposed you're on my mind because of our fun backstage in dance & our little picture trade. I didn't think we'd keep in touch after trading year books freshman year. I'm glad we did. You're not the person i thought you were and relatively happy to be wrong about that. (:
Skipping the bullshit & getting to Lauren. Oh my, oh my. I remember sitting on your bedroom floor talking about our own form of carpe diem. I remember us looking back at the friends we'd lost and living so much in the past. We wanted so much to be at different schools, and yet we would have never met. We would have never met out lovers. We would have never grown like we have. I'm so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I really & truly am. I am disappointed at the what? year and a half we lost touch? I think i vaguely recall why. It was before John. End of freshman beginning of sophomore. I recall honors chemistry. I somewhat recall the issue, but i really remember the girl from bella walking in, coach purse in hand, face painted, tears on her checks. I remember talking to him somewhat. We had lunch together everyday because of english class. i wouldn't have ever called us friends. we were something at a distant, but there was something about the long hair artistic type i can't help but like. You called me. Asked if i liked him. I said yes. That was the last time we spoke. We even had english together junior year. you weren't even her friend anymore. we still didn't talk. it never hurt or bothered me, but i did miss our talks. our funny little hitler jokes, our marriage to each other which today would bother your amazing & beautiful girlfriend. (: I don't quite remember why it is i moved my desk to sit in front of you in calculus, but i'm glad i did. who would have thought calculus was the catalyst for reviving a friendship? I would have never put my money on that one. Lauren, you've always been that voice of reason that comes into my head and sheds your very Lauren light on my life. You are my conscious. My own little Jiminy Cricket; and i love yo dearly for it. Sometimes i wish i had you by by side for all of my John issues, maybe your word could have given that a new light as well. Then again considering Casey, maybe not.
I've already written about how strange it is i was with Casey. We never spoke. If we did it was the one choir kid at a theater lunch table being pushed out. I never truly enjoyed lunch. I liked the majority of the people, even liked Casey more. Like i said, i think i have a thing for the long haired, artistic type. Mind you, i thought this all before penguin came into the picture. Once he did i felt i had found my match & i forgot about you. We would wave randomly in the halls. I have pictures of you from us crossing ways at the winter formal sophomore year. Casey Reed, your out going spirit is adorable. I would have never in a million years imagined you & i being remotely close as seniors & sweethearts. Oh, Casey. I find you in you basically everything i admire in a boy, minus the epic stature & love of more thrash-y in your face music. Oh, and the lack of choir love was never a personal favourite. His poking fun for my love of opera hurt my feelings and made me feel like you were putting down my life because i plan on teaching it. Regardless off this, regardless of me being a tough badass, viking-esque aries with opinions like no ones business i could let it go. I can look past differences. I can get over it. I can look past your theater kid sense of humor. I can accept your music & teach you mine. I will not rub my perfect pitch in your face. I will bring you into my life & show you what a real relationship is. Not one where you're expected to do everything, a one sided affair with no reciprocated feelings or adornment. I love to give. Receiving is always loved, but i love making others smile. I know it's the littler things that count. After school notes left on cars, window markers and silly sayings, small good mornings and whole days doing nothing but watching a vinyl spin. I know what life is about. I like to think i know love as well. I do have something to say. It's not appropriate to say to considering the circumstances and the looks you throw on the off chance you look at me passing me in the halls. Anyhow, the chances of you actually reading this are low, so as much as i'd like to be straight forward with you, i won't as of this moment, but on a day you come find me, i will. Oh yes (: and in a calm on aries like way! that's the key. :D okay. Lauren has in short let me in on what you wouldn't. i told you who i am. you don't know me. anyone who knows me, knows communication is key for working. If you have a problem, say it. I'm a big girl & capable of listening & adapting baby. If you don't tell me something bothers you, i won't know. You had zero problem with me going to the John's show, you have no issue with me hanging around him and my family. Not that i thought you would have a problem hanging out with my family, but the ex boyfriend i'm newly friends with again could be seen as an issue in your eyes. IN that case, tell me. You never did. So i went to go play Halo & study at Tom's. His bestie John is bound to join us. His bestie is my ex. One of my heartbreaks with the end of it was how i was excluded from my friends because he couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. Our lives are so intertwined. I could never avoid him. I could never hate him. But i can be over him & remain his friend. Naturally, he'll always hold a special place in my heart, but i doesn't mean i'll go back at the first sign of unrequited love. I liked you, like, present tense. I think you're an idiot. I am so independent. I thought you were too. Maybe not. No problem. Tell me, even on my busiest, sickest days, if you need that kind of relationship, i'll give it you. I think about what i'm doing. My words are carefully chosen & i gave this relationship a hefty amount of thought. I'm not an idiot Casey. If you're going to be straight forward. THEN ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND FOOOL!! (: haha. i'm not angry, just annoyed. I can't be upset at you for how you feel, but i can be annoyed you didn't tell me. Telling Lauren doesn't help the relationship you have with me as an fyi. also, having a fever of 103.5 that keeps me bed ridden for three days & the only reason i woke up in the first place was because, hi, AP testing week. Three days of a dance show. Weekend of nothing but sleeping, me attempting to get my voice back for the very last choir concert i will have in high school. One, i didn't want to force you to sit through if you weren't going to enjoy it. Did i want you to come? Yes! I want you to see me perform my art. I want you to see my passion, my joys, my life. Did i want to force you to sit through the longest show of the year? No. Plus we were all crying. I didn't want you to see me cry on stage. I want to be a good girlfriend always. But baby, i don't know if you don't tell me. And by the way, since you're a new addition to my life & know absolutely nothing about who i was or why i am who i am today, you have no rights are the boyfriend of three weeks to be upset if i chose to return to that life when you're the one who brought up the mutual break up. while i'd rather leave no stone unturned, i was going to give this everything i could. As i recall you left, "so lucky" that i was "dating a boy like you" because you're "so not my type." your words. not mine. fyi, it's the same for me. i don't know what took place since we stopped talking, if you got back with Danielle i'd think your stupid, but i don't know the reasons or feelings. i wasn't involved. not my place, nor is it yours.
that rant has taken my mind off the main focus of what this is, but honestly, i think i covered my bases of a good look back on my friendships. i don't even want to start looking back on my music transformation or personality transformations any deeper than what i have. it's nine fourty & i started this at three. (: this has been a never ending blog & i'm not even done talking about my new friends like Alyssa and Lacie and the plethora of other new friends & life i thought i'd never have.
Maybe i should save you for after graduation. After all this was about choir & how i will miss the high school choir scene while i'm one of many at ASU.
eighteen, single, utterly fabulous, & me. (:
so, i just got back from lunch with my big brother. i figure now is as good of time as any to write about the year coming to a close. it's really not even the year coming to a close, it's high school ending and starting a new part of life filled with god knows what. i was sitting in choir today and it was the first time i think i sat there and said, "what the fuck... this isn't schola. get these kids out." haha. yeah, i don't think so. you want to know what schola is? schola is last year with our big voices that carry and kiddos who know what they're doing. and what a year to do regionals! god, SO many of us made it. you know, i enjoy the kids in schola this year, but it's just not my schola. last year we did so much more music i felt that really meant something to us. this year, no one cares. our soprano two section needs to step it up like no other. that's why we didn't go to new york! you know i miss talyah, evan, mason, john, matt & robert. I miss my boys. i miss my friends. you know i have friends in schola, but not that many to where i was hanging out with them all the time out side of choir or even pre-schola. no one in there, expect for tom really knew me before schola this year. No one has the drawings from freshman year still on their bunk-beds thanks to me & tia being extremely bored. None of them traveled out of state to run around disneyland and fall in love. none of them have seen me at my lowest and been there at the highest. i miss my friends. i miss my family. where did that all go?
the very last choir concert i will ever experience as a student at Hamilton ended at nine on may 12th. my life started in that room and i supposed, no, i know that is the only place i can close it. i came here four years ago not knowing a soul. Talyah was just a girl in my french class. Oh, how quickly did we become friends. knowing she's in schola just made me more enthralled by her. we would hang out there. i met kids like Chad because of her. Kyle because of a choir mix up and Jason because of Kyle. I went into schola one day & met tony & matt, who has an amazing sister, Clarissa. Who was in sol with Hiedi & Nao. Matt & Jason were in MC with John & Chad who were friends with Evan & Ryan D. Let's not forge, Schola had Pansmith in it as well. Choir was my life. I had met other people through honors classes like Shammy & Casey, Ari & Lauren, but no one connected with me like my singers did. The people & events from choir really shaped who i am as a person. if life these last four years didn't happen the way it did, the good & the bad i wouldn't be who i am. If i didn't endure the bad & soak up the good i wouldn't be where i am at. if i didn't take my hits from my relationship with talyah. if we didn't get into all those knock-down, drag-out fights & have the teary eyed make up i wouldn't have learned what it is to be a friend. i would have never learned the difference between true friends & those friends who may not have your best interest in mind. if it weren't for her i would have never met john. i would have never felt true love. i would have never experienced heartache & felt strength through my brother evan. if it weren't for meeting evan at Kyle's party i would have never known how strong i am or how much of an epic viking i can be. without my relationship with john, the relationship that in calling it a roller coaster would be a grave understatement, i can tell you i wouldn't have changed and grown as much as i have. If it weren't for my relationship with Pansmith i don't think i would have found the strength jason has to offer me as a friend or Evan's protective brother side or john's utter love & devotion. John was the greatest thing to happen to me. I loved him dearly. There is a part of me that will never stop loving him, but there is a part of me that thinks this is all for the better. look at how much we've changed. do i ever think we'll be together in the future? always as friends, i don't think as lovers. too much has happened that would keep us second guessing and as much as i love you as a lover, i love you more as friend. i will never risk or subject our friendship to what might come from yet another attempt. i'm sorry. oh tommy. i met you in ferra's awful pre-calc class, but bonded over choir. i'm so glad you decided to join choir. sol & schola would be nothing without you. tommy, you've been here for me through everything. you've taught me so much. there is so much i wish i could do for you. our memories from boston & from california will never leave me. you're just the best friend i could ever ask for. i can't even count how many nights you stayed up with me. tommy. there really isn't much more i can say to you, but i can't wait to sing with you more next year. evan, lunch with you was amazing today. i miss you. i miss you in everything i do. thank you for what you taught me, but i can't keep you so close. you've done me wrong too many times... but i'll always care for you. really. i miss last year with all of my friends dearly. whenever i se you guys i feel so amazing and just reminisce in that feeling we had as a family. god, i'm even thankful for robert. yes, even Robert's callous ass-hole attitude is responsible for who i am. oh, yes, he brought me one of my best friends too. i find it funny how all of us who i are "popular" in choir are so close. we're all also great musicians. all in sol as of now. i'm so proud of my alicia for making it. i knew she would. we're a little family that reach back to Travis's generation & beyond. anyhow, because of Robert i have Alicia who has given me strength in a new way. I don't know how to explain it, but she has this spirit that teaches me how to deal with things in a much better way. She's taught me how to NOT be a hot head fire sign or an aries & go at it with my leo counter part. Thank you. you're one of my closest friends baby girl. my birthday was uh-mazing because of you. i love you dearly.
i had written a post a while back thinking about how much has changed in the last few months. it's harder to look back at a year, four years, a lifetime. right now as i think back all i have playing in head is sol's version of seasons of love. how can i measure the changes, the growth? in daylight, in sunsets, in minutes in cups of coffee? in doughnuts & sammiches or Kevin's egg rolls? (: oh yes. we did. I don't want to look back so much on choir anymore, read any given journal or my xanga & you'll have a detailed account of the trails & tribulations of a singer in a huge ass choir. There are people who have come and gone in my life that i didn't expect to. My friends in honors classes freshman year include Ari, Shammy, Casey, Shanna, Emma, Julia, Stephan, Jenni, Joe, Liz, Korey, aubree, kelsey, steve, & a few others. There were some friendships i thought would last forever & others i didn't expect to ever see after that class, but if there is one thing i've learn, ever have expectations, never be disappointed, always be surprised.
Shammy & i met freshman year in our horrible english class. we would talk and laugh, take funny pictures. we never got together outside of school. i was sure that that class would be the one time i would ever have real interaction, i figured she'd always be someone i'd wave at in the hallway, spark random conversations with, but probably never establish anything legit. our short, sweet & overly artistic drawings in year books should have sealed that one, but no. four years later she's my best friend. she held my hand through the death of a dear friend last year & was my support through every fight & break up. she's furthered me in my faith & just lifted out of the the depths i thought i'd never get out of. Her being there through all the john was the most amazing thing ever. she was my weekend escape that helped me see all kinds of new light in my life. new outlets and new escapes i didn't even think was an option for my life. she's been here through everything. I didn't think i could have a friend who valued co-dependance & independence like i did. Someone who realized that for all the time we spent together, we needed apart as well. it's amazing to see how much she's influenced me & who i am. god, john loves you so much baby girl <3 you brought his penguin back time after time with whatever it is you do to bring me back to myself. i love you. there is nothing in this world i could do or so to thank you enough.
Ari was a close friend and we had several classes together. i thought we would stay close. needless to this will end up being a short little comment on how i thought ari & i would continue a friendship through ap classes & we didn't. Korey was someone i just randomly met. That didn't last too long. We talk in random intervals. Nothing of substance is ever discused. Just the basics. Steve. Ah. Another friend i met randomly through someone else in a hallway. i remember seeing his pictures of his face black & blue from a paint ball incident that was not an accident. he had hella short hair and was the literal opposite of a viking. We're still friends four years & thousands of miles later. Steve is my brother. He knew how completely stubborn both John & i were, stuck us in a room, made us talk it out. he's saved the relationship more times than he should have. not that the relationship should have needed saving mind you, but when it did, my other brother was there to step in & save the day as always. he was always driving me home, taking me to coffee & picking up at odd hours in the morning just to talk. I wouldn't think that two years after his graduation he would continue to be my brother, coming to my house for christmas dinner & sharing my bed with me because i'm more family than anyone.
Kelsey. I supposed you're on my mind because of our fun backstage in dance & our little picture trade. I didn't think we'd keep in touch after trading year books freshman year. I'm glad we did. You're not the person i thought you were and relatively happy to be wrong about that. (:
Skipping the bullshit & getting to Lauren. Oh my, oh my. I remember sitting on your bedroom floor talking about our own form of carpe diem. I remember us looking back at the friends we'd lost and living so much in the past. We wanted so much to be at different schools, and yet we would have never met. We would have never met out lovers. We would have never grown like we have. I'm so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I really & truly am. I am disappointed at the what? year and a half we lost touch? I think i vaguely recall why. It was before John. End of freshman beginning of sophomore. I recall honors chemistry. I somewhat recall the issue, but i really remember the girl from bella walking in, coach purse in hand, face painted, tears on her checks. I remember talking to him somewhat. We had lunch together everyday because of english class. i wouldn't have ever called us friends. we were something at a distant, but there was something about the long hair artistic type i can't help but like. You called me. Asked if i liked him. I said yes. That was the last time we spoke. We even had english together junior year. you weren't even her friend anymore. we still didn't talk. it never hurt or bothered me, but i did miss our talks. our funny little hitler jokes, our marriage to each other which today would bother your amazing & beautiful girlfriend. (: I don't quite remember why it is i moved my desk to sit in front of you in calculus, but i'm glad i did. who would have thought calculus was the catalyst for reviving a friendship? I would have never put my money on that one. Lauren, you've always been that voice of reason that comes into my head and sheds your very Lauren light on my life. You are my conscious. My own little Jiminy Cricket; and i love yo dearly for it. Sometimes i wish i had you by by side for all of my John issues, maybe your word could have given that a new light as well. Then again considering Casey, maybe not.
I've already written about how strange it is i was with Casey. We never spoke. If we did it was the one choir kid at a theater lunch table being pushed out. I never truly enjoyed lunch. I liked the majority of the people, even liked Casey more. Like i said, i think i have a thing for the long haired, artistic type. Mind you, i thought this all before penguin came into the picture. Once he did i felt i had found my match & i forgot about you. We would wave randomly in the halls. I have pictures of you from us crossing ways at the winter formal sophomore year. Casey Reed, your out going spirit is adorable. I would have never in a million years imagined you & i being remotely close as seniors & sweethearts. Oh, Casey. I find you in you basically everything i admire in a boy, minus the epic stature & love of more thrash-y in your face music. Oh, and the lack of choir love was never a personal favourite. His poking fun for my love of opera hurt my feelings and made me feel like you were putting down my life because i plan on teaching it. Regardless off this, regardless of me being a tough badass, viking-esque aries with opinions like no ones business i could let it go. I can look past differences. I can get over it. I can look past your theater kid sense of humor. I can accept your music & teach you mine. I will not rub my perfect pitch in your face. I will bring you into my life & show you what a real relationship is. Not one where you're expected to do everything, a one sided affair with no reciprocated feelings or adornment. I love to give. Receiving is always loved, but i love making others smile. I know it's the littler things that count. After school notes left on cars, window markers and silly sayings, small good mornings and whole days doing nothing but watching a vinyl spin. I know what life is about. I like to think i know love as well. I do have something to say. It's not appropriate to say to considering the circumstances and the looks you throw on the off chance you look at me passing me in the halls. Anyhow, the chances of you actually reading this are low, so as much as i'd like to be straight forward with you, i won't as of this moment, but on a day you come find me, i will. Oh yes (: and in a calm on aries like way! that's the key. :D okay. Lauren has in short let me in on what you wouldn't. i told you who i am. you don't know me. anyone who knows me, knows communication is key for working. If you have a problem, say it. I'm a big girl & capable of listening & adapting baby. If you don't tell me something bothers you, i won't know. You had zero problem with me going to the John's show, you have no issue with me hanging around him and my family. Not that i thought you would have a problem hanging out with my family, but the ex boyfriend i'm newly friends with again could be seen as an issue in your eyes. IN that case, tell me. You never did. So i went to go play Halo & study at Tom's. His bestie John is bound to join us. His bestie is my ex. One of my heartbreaks with the end of it was how i was excluded from my friends because he couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. Our lives are so intertwined. I could never avoid him. I could never hate him. But i can be over him & remain his friend. Naturally, he'll always hold a special place in my heart, but i doesn't mean i'll go back at the first sign of unrequited love. I liked you, like, present tense. I think you're an idiot. I am so independent. I thought you were too. Maybe not. No problem. Tell me, even on my busiest, sickest days, if you need that kind of relationship, i'll give it you. I think about what i'm doing. My words are carefully chosen & i gave this relationship a hefty amount of thought. I'm not an idiot Casey. If you're going to be straight forward. THEN ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND FOOOL!! (: haha. i'm not angry, just annoyed. I can't be upset at you for how you feel, but i can be annoyed you didn't tell me. Telling Lauren doesn't help the relationship you have with me as an fyi. also, having a fever of 103.5 that keeps me bed ridden for three days & the only reason i woke up in the first place was because, hi, AP testing week. Three days of a dance show. Weekend of nothing but sleeping, me attempting to get my voice back for the very last choir concert i will have in high school. One, i didn't want to force you to sit through if you weren't going to enjoy it. Did i want you to come? Yes! I want you to see me perform my art. I want you to see my passion, my joys, my life. Did i want to force you to sit through the longest show of the year? No. Plus we were all crying. I didn't want you to see me cry on stage. I want to be a good girlfriend always. But baby, i don't know if you don't tell me. And by the way, since you're a new addition to my life & know absolutely nothing about who i was or why i am who i am today, you have no rights are the boyfriend of three weeks to be upset if i chose to return to that life when you're the one who brought up the mutual break up. while i'd rather leave no stone unturned, i was going to give this everything i could. As i recall you left, "so lucky" that i was "dating a boy like you" because you're "so not my type." your words. not mine. fyi, it's the same for me. i don't know what took place since we stopped talking, if you got back with Danielle i'd think your stupid, but i don't know the reasons or feelings. i wasn't involved. not my place, nor is it yours.
that rant has taken my mind off the main focus of what this is, but honestly, i think i covered my bases of a good look back on my friendships. i don't even want to start looking back on my music transformation or personality transformations any deeper than what i have. it's nine fourty & i started this at three. (: this has been a never ending blog & i'm not even done talking about my new friends like Alyssa and Lacie and the plethora of other new friends & life i thought i'd never have.
Maybe i should save you for after graduation. After all this was about choir & how i will miss the high school choir scene while i'm one of many at ASU.
eighteen, single, utterly fabulous, & me. (:
Friday, May 15, 2009
i guess this is a rant...?
i am who i am. i am what i say i am. i don't say anything lightly or without putting thought into it. i feel as though in this world words have lost their meaning. everyone loves everyone. love is no longer something special or sacred shared between two people. it's something apparently shared between you and everyone you have ever come into contact with. i make a personal effort to watch my words and make every word count. i don't say things lightly. my words are who i am. as a person who loves and appreciates writing with a passion i understand that writers choose their words incredibly carefully, making sure to put meaning and importance with each word. i'm not going to sit here and say i'm some great writer when i'm not. i'm not going to sit here and criticize others for a social transgression i too have taken part in at one time or another. what i am saying is, is that this is who i am now and this is how i view the world today. i carefully pick my words. i make sure to place meaning and importance with every one. when i say something, believe it.
don't get me wrong, i'm like everyone who has stupid second thoughts & i doubt myself constantly. i cut myself short on nearly a daily basis, and not out of some misplaced sense of need compliments twenty-four-seven, but out of knowledge of my past mistakes. knowing the at times history has the possibility to repeat i worry if the changes i have made within myself are forever or not. if i said i'm over it. i am. if i've hesitated, i really am. if i've made a move, i'm scared. there is an uncertainty in new. i fear the unknown like no other. i'm horrible at taking plunges. worry can be a good thing. it generally means you care about it enough to be invested in the outcome.
and i was.
so thank you for talking to me when you say you're "straight forward" with me.
oh & one more thing before i drift out of here & off to sleep, we're friends. i'm over the relationship. the break up no longer breaks me. we were together for three years. he will always be special. a week of hanging out due to choir events or band related events means nothing.
don't get me wrong, i'm like everyone who has stupid second thoughts & i doubt myself constantly. i cut myself short on nearly a daily basis, and not out of some misplaced sense of need compliments twenty-four-seven, but out of knowledge of my past mistakes. knowing the at times history has the possibility to repeat i worry if the changes i have made within myself are forever or not. if i said i'm over it. i am. if i've hesitated, i really am. if i've made a move, i'm scared. there is an uncertainty in new. i fear the unknown like no other. i'm horrible at taking plunges. worry can be a good thing. it generally means you care about it enough to be invested in the outcome.
and i was.
so thank you for talking to me when you say you're "straight forward" with me.
oh & one more thing before i drift out of here & off to sleep, we're friends. i'm over the relationship. the break up no longer breaks me. we were together for three years. he will always be special. a week of hanging out due to choir events or band related events means nothing.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
the end of the beginning
i have yet to comment or make any sort of assessment on graduation & the events that have led up to it. i need to. i need to analyze last nights events; tears and all. oh, and the amazing e-mails between danielle and i, who i literally think is quite amazing & i want to do something for her before this year is over. she's sweet & i regret not being able to connect with her more over the year.
(:
anywho, tomorrow after my last ap test i will give my graduation assessment on life & this end.
(:
anywho, tomorrow after my last ap test i will give my graduation assessment on life & this end.
appreciation.
today has been quite the emotional roller coaster. it's been filled with the full spectrum of emotions expected of a break up, even though i didn't personally experience it. it's hard for me to watch my best friend sit through that and knowing he's so similar to my ex lover dearest; how he is violent as he his emotionally deep. Knowing either one of them on such a personal level gives you such an insight to the other. Being as close as i was to john & understanding his feelings through our own rough patches & break up just kills me to know tommy feels that now. i was so upset with her for making him feel so inadequate that i didn't even know what to do. the fact i didn't want to leave his side is all that kept me from driving to her to give her a well deserved slap across the face. he is perfect and handsome, talented and intelligent as he is. honestly, if give the chance to be tommy's girl, i would be proud to call him my boyfriend knowing all he does for her and without any reason or prompting. he is more or less lauren and alyssa in one person. i am incredibly proud just to call tommy my best friend knowing how much of an amazing person he is. yet, i was once in katie's position. i was presented with the literally perfect relationship and my own insecurities had me turned around and running as fast as i could in the opposite direction. it's difficult to comprehend such a deep relationship and give it the appreciation it needs and deserves at fifteen. she's a baby. tom is so mature and so far beyond her years in life and the experiences it has to offer that she can't keep up. it's strange to be in a deep and meaningful relationship when that is just so not the high school norm. i think she's making the biggest mistake in her life right now, but i also think it will end up being the greatest learning experience ever. she will, hopefully be like me, realize the error, turn inwards and work on what keeps her from knowing herself and having that appreciation for the real and true relationship. hopefully, the two of them hold to what feelings kept them initially attracted to each other and perhaps find themselves in a relationship with new meaning & purpose to it. who knows, they could pull a lauren and alyssa and be qutie the power couple. they could have every choir child looking up at them in envy. (: i hope that happens. i truly hope they both find happiness wherever it is. i hope most of all that tom finds someone to love him like i love him, but be able to give him the love in a way i cannot. my heart belongs to someone else currently :D
honestly, this whole day has had me thinking of the lover past and how i was with him. i hate what happened and there is a part of me that wishes i could fix all that went wrong when it didn't need to. and yet, if i did that, if that had happened then i might not be the person i am now. i enjoy the person i am now. i enjoy my strong sense of independence that can support myself & the troubles of another comfortable. i am glad we're friends again. i feel a connection to my old life as a viking that i've missed dearly. i feel like i'm whole again, accepted into my family again and it's truly invigorating.
all in all, i'm glad i have casey. meaning to say, i'm glad things went down in the fashion they did because i'm happy. i'm not happy about the whole sick, plus dance, plus more sickness, plus choir which equals fail at seeing ANYONE, because i miss him.
reminder, make some badass plans. (:
honestly, this whole day has had me thinking of the lover past and how i was with him. i hate what happened and there is a part of me that wishes i could fix all that went wrong when it didn't need to. and yet, if i did that, if that had happened then i might not be the person i am now. i enjoy the person i am now. i enjoy my strong sense of independence that can support myself & the troubles of another comfortable. i am glad we're friends again. i feel a connection to my old life as a viking that i've missed dearly. i feel like i'm whole again, accepted into my family again and it's truly invigorating.
all in all, i'm glad i have casey. meaning to say, i'm glad things went down in the fashion they did because i'm happy. i'm not happy about the whole sick, plus dance, plus more sickness, plus choir which equals fail at seeing ANYONE, because i miss him.
reminder, make some badass plans. (:
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
deja-vu
so, a day a home sick with the flu, i never thought it would give me deja-vu.
(: i just rhymed.
anyway. i stayed home sick with the flu today. i got an unexpected text message early this morning. of all people, this person wouldn't message me. they did. they were concerned. they wanted to come take care of me. they kept me company all day. it was an amazing surprise. i'm thank for it. no lie, i miss it dearly. i'm glad everything is okay. i didn't think we would be this way ever again. tommy said we looked more comfortable than we ever were. what am i supposed to do with that? hm?
oh. well.
thank you for being here.
i guess always and forever really does mean always and forever.
i would write more, but this niquil has me out.
(: i just rhymed.
anyway. i stayed home sick with the flu today. i got an unexpected text message early this morning. of all people, this person wouldn't message me. they did. they were concerned. they wanted to come take care of me. they kept me company all day. it was an amazing surprise. i'm thank for it. no lie, i miss it dearly. i'm glad everything is okay. i didn't think we would be this way ever again. tommy said we looked more comfortable than we ever were. what am i supposed to do with that? hm?
oh. well.
thank you for being here.
i guess always and forever really does mean always and forever.
i would write more, but this niquil has me out.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
posts from a past life -- april 2nd oh niiine
It's been awhile since i've written anything. Well, first things first, (: I am now eighteen, single, & fabulous. I feel great about everything. California was an amazing experience. I hung out with Lacie & my usual group. I'm really close to Lacie, well at least a whole hella lot more. She's nothing like what i hear or even what i thought. I also made friends with others i've thought... not the best or nicest things about and it turns out they're pretty amazing. You'd think i'd learn after Alicia became my best friend (: Nope. course not XP Anyway, so it was amazing. I've been talking to Casey & he's actually a lot cooler that i gave him credit for. I'm really liking him as a friend. Ha. Vurry odd. I enjoyed it though. Anyway, but Casey texted me a lot while i was on this trip. He's very open, very honest, actually enjoys talking to me on the phone & sending pictures. He's actually intellectually stimulating in all aspects and subjects of conversation. Things i'm not liking- this dislike of choral & not total love of metal... not gunna fly. He's highly artistic so i might let it slide. Mmm. He's tiny. Jake could eat his face. John could probably decimate him sadly. But he also has this cute artistic look to him i find really adorable. Also, i adore his hair at this length. It's pretty cute. Any who. I don't know what to say to him about anything. It's just weird. I told him i wasn't interested & after the persistence i ended up saying let's really go ahead and give him a chance (mistake... maybe. Derek was like this...) So i'm really not doing anything & going with the flow of life at this point. :D
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