Jan. 18th somewhere between agheron & styx

my sin is pride & i'm proud of it. i know how utterly and believably horrible that sounds. honestly, no, i'm not proud of how shamefully prideful i am. i always say i won't be prideful i won't let it ruin my relationships. i always say i won't let my need to perfect affect who i am.

it always does.

that fight was stupid. do you even know what started it? my damned pride. i know why you don't think you know me any more. i'm hiding again. i'm shrinking away from everything and everyone. i'm scared. to be honest, i'm terrified. i'm terrified about a lot right now. my whole family is crumbling. how is it that you're together for twenty years and have three kids and just decide you're done? how can i expect to have anything good in love if can't believe anything anymore. its all lies.

i'm just a horrible person. i'm not strong. i try. i just can't. it hurts. i'm too weak.

aside from all of that, i don't know when to quit. i do things that are too over the top because of my pride. i won't be out done. not by anyone. which is funny, because today, in church, it was all about our little hang-ups, our sins that make out lives fruitless. as i sat there and listened to him say, "the desperate and horrible losses are actual great gains." i thought many things. i thought, well maybe this is good; a break will bring us closer. But how many have we had? why i can't be fixed and stay fixed? i can't just be good and stay good. i make promises to myself & because i'm weak i can't keep a hold of it. why am i so weak? i'm struggling.

i know, i think i know what this is; am i being punished for my pride? the pride that i hold onto with dear life even with my parents. i will never admit defeat, even to my parents now. or myself. what am i?

i lied when i said this is a year of reconciliation. i lied when i said it would be perfect. i lied when i said it would be great. it's going to be another year of learning. and permeant growing and changing.

i am surprised. i took this better than i thought i could. but i think my heart was prepared. i've short have shut down. i'm a horrible person. i want to be away from him because i'm so hurt by life right now i can't give him what he needs. i want us to be together when i can give him everything. Or i want to be his best friend.

god, i'm such a horrible person.