if my joys & comforts die i know truth is living

and though the darkness round me close, how can i keep from singing?


so, i just got back from lunch with my big brother. i figure now is as good of time as any to write about the year coming to a close. it's really not even the year coming to a close, it's high school ending and starting a new part of life filled with god knows what. i was sitting in choir today and it was the first time i think i sat there and said, "what the fuck... this isn't schola. get these kids out." haha. yeah, i don't think so. you want to know what schola is? schola is last year with our big voices that carry and kiddos who know what they're doing. and what a year to do regionals! god, SO many of us made it. you know, i enjoy the kids in schola this year, but it's just not my schola. last year we did so much more music i felt that really meant something to us. this year, no one cares. our soprano two section needs to step it up like no other. that's why we didn't go to new york! you know i miss talyah, evan, mason, john, matt & robert. I miss my boys. i miss my friends. you know i have friends in schola, but not that many to where i was hanging out with them all the time out side of choir or even pre-schola. no one in there, expect for tom really knew me before schola this year. No one has the drawings from freshman year still on their bunk-beds thanks to me & tia being extremely bored. None of them traveled out of state to run around disneyland and fall in love. none of them have seen me at my lowest and been there at the highest. i miss my friends. i miss my family. where did that all go?

the very last choir concert i will ever experience as a student at Hamilton ended at nine on may 12th. my life started in that room and i supposed, no, i know that is the only place i can close it. i came here four years ago not knowing a soul. Talyah was just a girl in my french class. Oh, how quickly did we become friends. knowing she's in schola just made me more enthralled by her. we would hang out there. i met kids like Chad because of her. Kyle because of a choir mix up and Jason because of Kyle. I went into schola one day & met tony & matt, who has an amazing sister, Clarissa. Who was in sol with Hiedi & Nao. Matt & Jason were in MC with John & Chad who were friends with Evan & Ryan D. Let's not forge, Schola had Pansmith in it as well. Choir was my life. I had met other people through honors classes like Shammy & Casey, Ari & Lauren, but no one connected with me like my singers did. The people & events from choir really shaped who i am as a person. if life these last four years didn't happen the way it did, the good & the bad i wouldn't be who i am. If i didn't endure the bad & soak up the good i wouldn't be where i am at. if i didn't take my hits from my relationship with talyah. if we didn't get into all those knock-down, drag-out fights & have the teary eyed make up i wouldn't have learned what it is to be a friend. i would have never learned the difference between true friends & those friends who may not have your best interest in mind. if it weren't for her i would have never met john. i would have never felt true love. i would have never experienced heartache & felt strength through my brother evan. if it weren't for meeting evan at Kyle's party i would have never known how strong i am or how much of an epic viking i can be. without my relationship with john, the relationship that in calling it a roller coaster would be a grave understatement, i can tell you i wouldn't have changed and grown as much as i have. If it weren't for my relationship with Pansmith i don't think i would have found the strength jason has to offer me as a friend or Evan's protective brother side or john's utter love & devotion. John was the greatest thing to happen to me. I loved him dearly. There is a part of me that will never stop loving him, but there is a part of me that thinks this is all for the better. look at how much we've changed. do i ever think we'll be together in the future? always as friends, i don't think as lovers. too much has happened that would keep us second guessing and as much as i love you as a lover, i love you more as friend. i will never risk or subject our friendship to what might come from yet another attempt. i'm sorry. oh tommy. i met you in ferra's awful pre-calc class, but bonded over choir. i'm so glad you decided to join choir. sol & schola would be nothing without you. tommy, you've been here for me through everything. you've taught me so much. there is so much i wish i could do for you. our memories from boston & from california will never leave me. you're just the best friend i could ever ask for. i can't even count how many nights you stayed up with me. tommy. there really isn't much more i can say to you, but i can't wait to sing with you more next year. evan, lunch with you was amazing today. i miss you. i miss you in everything i do. thank you for what you taught me, but i can't keep you so close. you've done me wrong too many times... but i'll always care for you. really. i miss last year with all of my friends dearly. whenever i se you guys i feel so amazing and just reminisce in that feeling we had as a family. god, i'm even thankful for robert. yes, even Robert's callous ass-hole attitude is responsible for who i am. oh, yes, he brought me one of my best friends too. i find it funny how all of us who i are "popular" in choir are so close. we're all also great musicians. all in sol as of now. i'm so proud of my alicia for making it. i knew she would. we're a little family that reach back to Travis's generation & beyond. anyhow, because of Robert i have Alicia who has given me strength in a new way. I don't know how to explain it, but she has this spirit that teaches me how to deal with things in a much better way. She's taught me how to NOT be a hot head fire sign or an aries & go at it with my leo counter part. Thank you. you're one of my closest friends baby girl. my birthday was uh-mazing because of you. i love you dearly.

i had written a post a while back thinking about how much has changed in the last few months. it's harder to look back at a year, four years, a lifetime. right now as i think back all i have playing in head is sol's version of seasons of love. how can i measure the changes, the growth? in daylight, in sunsets, in minutes in cups of coffee? in doughnuts & sammiches or Kevin's egg rolls? (: oh yes. we did. I don't want to look back so much on choir anymore, read any given journal or my xanga & you'll have a detailed account of the trails & tribulations of a singer in a huge ass choir. There are people who have come and gone in my life that i didn't expect to. My friends in honors classes freshman year include Ari, Shammy, Casey, Shanna, Emma, Julia, Stephan, Jenni, Joe, Liz, Korey, aubree, kelsey, steve, & a few others. There were some friendships i thought would last forever & others i didn't expect to ever see after that class, but if there is one thing i've learn, ever have expectations, never be disappointed, always be surprised.
Shammy & i met freshman year in our horrible english class. we would talk and laugh, take funny pictures. we never got together outside of school. i was sure that that class would be the one time i would ever have real interaction, i figured she'd always be someone i'd wave at in the hallway, spark random conversations with, but probably never establish anything legit. our short, sweet & overly artistic drawings in year books should have sealed that one, but no. four years later she's my best friend. she held my hand through the death of a dear friend last year & was my support through every fight & break up. she's furthered me in my faith & just lifted out of the the depths i thought i'd never get out of. Her being there through all the john was the most amazing thing ever. she was my weekend escape that helped me see all kinds of new light in my life. new outlets and new escapes i didn't even think was an option for my life. she's been here through everything. I didn't think i could have a friend who valued co-dependance & independence like i did. Someone who realized that for all the time we spent together, we needed apart as well. it's amazing to see how much she's influenced me & who i am. god, john loves you so much baby girl <3 you brought his penguin back time after time with whatever it is you do to bring me back to myself. i love you. there is nothing in this world i could do or so to thank you enough.
Ari was a close friend and we had several classes together. i thought we would stay close. needless to this will end up being a short little comment on how i thought ari & i would continue a friendship through ap classes & we didn't. Korey was someone i just randomly met. That didn't last too long. We talk in random intervals. Nothing of substance is ever discused. Just the basics. Steve. Ah. Another friend i met randomly through someone else in a hallway. i remember seeing his pictures of his face black & blue from a paint ball incident that was not an accident. he had hella short hair and was the literal opposite of a viking. We're still friends four years & thousands of miles later. Steve is my brother. He knew how completely stubborn both John & i were, stuck us in a room, made us talk it out. he's saved the relationship more times than he should have. not that the relationship should have needed saving mind you, but when it did, my other brother was there to step in & save the day as always. he was always driving me home, taking me to coffee & picking up at odd hours in the morning just to talk. I wouldn't think that two years after his graduation he would continue to be my brother, coming to my house for christmas dinner & sharing my bed with me because i'm more family than anyone.
Kelsey. I supposed you're on my mind because of our fun backstage in dance & our little picture trade. I didn't think we'd keep in touch after trading year books freshman year. I'm glad we did. You're not the person i thought you were and relatively happy to be wrong about that. (:
Skipping the bullshit & getting to Lauren. Oh my, oh my. I remember sitting on your bedroom floor talking about our own form of carpe diem. I remember us looking back at the friends we'd lost and living so much in the past. We wanted so much to be at different schools, and yet we would have never met. We would have never met out lovers. We would have never grown like we have. I'm so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I really & truly am. I am disappointed at the what? year and a half we lost touch? I think i vaguely recall why. It was before John. End of freshman beginning of sophomore. I recall honors chemistry. I somewhat recall the issue, but i really remember the girl from bella walking in, coach purse in hand, face painted, tears on her checks. I remember talking to him somewhat. We had lunch together everyday because of english class. i wouldn't have ever called us friends. we were something at a distant, but there was something about the long hair artistic type i can't help but like. You called me. Asked if i liked him. I said yes. That was the last time we spoke. We even had english together junior year. you weren't even her friend anymore. we still didn't talk. it never hurt or bothered me, but i did miss our talks. our funny little hitler jokes, our marriage to each other which today would bother your amazing & beautiful girlfriend. (: I don't quite remember why it is i moved my desk to sit in front of you in calculus, but i'm glad i did. who would have thought calculus was the catalyst for reviving a friendship? I would have never put my money on that one. Lauren, you've always been that voice of reason that comes into my head and sheds your very Lauren light on my life. You are my conscious. My own little Jiminy Cricket; and i love yo dearly for it. Sometimes i wish i had you by by side for all of my John issues, maybe your word could have given that a new light as well. Then again considering Casey, maybe not.
I've already written about how strange it is i was with Casey. We never spoke. If we did it was the one choir kid at a theater lunch table being pushed out. I never truly enjoyed lunch. I liked the majority of the people, even liked Casey more. Like i said, i think i have a thing for the long haired, artistic type. Mind you, i thought this all before penguin came into the picture. Once he did i felt i had found my match & i forgot about you. We would wave randomly in the halls. I have pictures of you from us crossing ways at the winter formal sophomore year. Casey Reed, your out going spirit is adorable. I would have never in a million years imagined you & i being remotely close as seniors & sweethearts. Oh, Casey. I find you in you basically everything i admire in a boy, minus the epic stature & love of more thrash-y in your face music. Oh, and the lack of choir love was never a personal favourite. His poking fun for my love of opera hurt my feelings and made me feel like you were putting down my life because i plan on teaching it. Regardless off this, regardless of me being a tough badass, viking-esque aries with opinions like no ones business i could let it go. I can look past differences. I can get over it. I can look past your theater kid sense of humor. I can accept your music & teach you mine. I will not rub my perfect pitch in your face. I will bring you into my life & show you what a real relationship is. Not one where you're expected to do everything, a one sided affair with no reciprocated feelings or adornment. I love to give. Receiving is always loved, but i love making others smile. I know it's the littler things that count. After school notes left on cars, window markers and silly sayings, small good mornings and whole days doing nothing but watching a vinyl spin. I know what life is about. I like to think i know love as well. I do have something to say. It's not appropriate to say to considering the circumstances and the looks you throw on the off chance you look at me passing me in the halls. Anyhow, the chances of you actually reading this are low, so as much as i'd like to be straight forward with you, i won't as of this moment, but on a day you come find me, i will. Oh yes (: and in a calm on aries like way! that's the key. :D okay. Lauren has in short let me in on what you wouldn't. i told you who i am. you don't know me. anyone who knows me, knows communication is key for working. If you have a problem, say it. I'm a big girl & capable of listening & adapting baby. If you don't tell me something bothers you, i won't know. You had zero problem with me going to the John's show, you have no issue with me hanging around him and my family. Not that i thought you would have a problem hanging out with my family, but the ex boyfriend i'm newly friends with again could be seen as an issue in your eyes. IN that case, tell me. You never did. So i went to go play Halo & study at Tom's. His bestie John is bound to join us. His bestie is my ex. One of my heartbreaks with the end of it was how i was excluded from my friends because he couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. Our lives are so intertwined. I could never avoid him. I could never hate him. But i can be over him & remain his friend. Naturally, he'll always hold a special place in my heart, but i doesn't mean i'll go back at the first sign of unrequited love. I liked you, like, present tense. I think you're an idiot. I am so independent. I thought you were too. Maybe not. No problem. Tell me, even on my busiest, sickest days, if you need that kind of relationship, i'll give it you. I think about what i'm doing. My words are carefully chosen & i gave this relationship a hefty amount of thought. I'm not an idiot Casey. If you're going to be straight forward. THEN ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND FOOOL!! (: haha. i'm not angry, just annoyed. I can't be upset at you for how you feel, but i can be annoyed you didn't tell me. Telling Lauren doesn't help the relationship you have with me as an fyi. also, having a fever of 103.5 that keeps me bed ridden for three days & the only reason i woke up in the first place was because, hi, AP testing week. Three days of a dance show. Weekend of nothing but sleeping, me attempting to get my voice back for the very last choir concert i will have in high school. One, i didn't want to force you to sit through if you weren't going to enjoy it. Did i want you to come? Yes! I want you to see me perform my art. I want you to see my passion, my joys, my life. Did i want to force you to sit through the longest show of the year? No. Plus we were all crying. I didn't want you to see me cry on stage. I want to be a good girlfriend always. But baby, i don't know if you don't tell me. And by the way, since you're a new addition to my life & know absolutely nothing about who i was or why i am who i am today, you have no rights are the boyfriend of three weeks to be upset if i chose to return to that life when you're the one who brought up the mutual break up. while i'd rather leave no stone unturned, i was going to give this everything i could. As i recall you left, "so lucky" that i was "dating a boy like you" because you're "so not my type." your words. not mine. fyi, it's the same for me. i don't know what took place since we stopped talking, if you got back with Danielle i'd think your stupid, but i don't know the reasons or feelings. i wasn't involved. not my place, nor is it yours.

that rant has taken my mind off the main focus of what this is, but honestly, i think i covered my bases of a good look back on my friendships. i don't even want to start looking back on my music transformation or personality transformations any deeper than what i have. it's nine fourty & i started this at three. (: this has been a never ending blog & i'm not even done talking about my new friends like Alyssa and Lacie and the plethora of other new friends & life i thought i'd never have.

Maybe i should save you for after graduation. After all this was about choir & how i will miss the high school choir scene while i'm one of many at ASU.


eighteen, single, utterly fabulous, & me. (: