appreciation.

today has been quite the emotional roller coaster. it's been filled with the full spectrum of emotions expected of a break up, even though i didn't personally experience it. it's hard for me to watch my best friend sit through that and knowing he's so similar to my ex lover dearest; how he is violent as he his emotionally deep. Knowing either one of them on such a personal level gives you such an insight to the other. Being as close as i was to john & understanding his feelings through our own rough patches & break up just kills me to know tommy feels that now. i was so upset with her for making him feel so inadequate that i didn't even know what to do. the fact i didn't want to leave his side is all that kept me from driving to her to give her a well deserved slap across the face. he is perfect and handsome, talented and intelligent as he is. honestly, if give the chance to be tommy's girl, i would be proud to call him my boyfriend knowing all he does for her and without any reason or prompting. he is more or less lauren and alyssa in one person. i am incredibly proud just to call tommy my best friend knowing how much of an amazing person he is. yet, i was once in katie's position. i was presented with the literally perfect relationship and my own insecurities had me turned around and running as fast as i could in the opposite direction. it's difficult to comprehend such a deep relationship and give it the appreciation it needs and deserves at fifteen. she's a baby. tom is so mature and so far beyond her years in life and the experiences it has to offer that she can't keep up. it's strange to be in a deep and meaningful relationship when that is just so not the high school norm. i think she's making the biggest mistake in her life right now, but i also think it will end up being the greatest learning experience ever. she will, hopefully be like me, realize the error, turn inwards and work on what keeps her from knowing herself and having that appreciation for the real and true relationship. hopefully, the two of them hold to what feelings kept them initially attracted to each other and perhaps find themselves in a relationship with new meaning & purpose to it. who knows, they could pull a lauren and alyssa and be qutie the power couple. they could have every choir child looking up at them in envy. (: i hope that happens. i truly hope they both find happiness wherever it is. i hope most of all that tom finds someone to love him like i love him, but be able to give him the love in a way i cannot. my heart belongs to someone else currently :D

honestly, this whole day has had me thinking of the lover past and how i was with him. i hate what happened and there is a part of me that wishes i could fix all that went wrong when it didn't need to. and yet, if i did that, if that had happened then i might not be the person i am now. i enjoy the person i am now. i enjoy my strong sense of independence that can support myself & the troubles of another comfortable. i am glad we're friends again. i feel a connection to my old life as a viking that i've missed dearly. i feel like i'm whole again, accepted into my family again and it's truly invigorating.

all in all, i'm glad i have casey. meaning to say, i'm glad things went down in the fashion they did because i'm happy. i'm not happy about the whole sick, plus dance, plus more sickness, plus choir which equals fail at seeing ANYONE, because i miss him.

reminder, make some badass plans. (: