oh the places we'll go

today was the last day of choir i will ever experience in high school. it was very bitter sweet sitting on the floor cross-legged, tissues in hand crying with my best friend, tommy. it's hard to look at that room & not cry knowing what i'm leaving behind. that room, is not just a room to me. which is why i hate it when people disrespect choir, that room, or music in any way, shape or form. four years ago i came to hamilton not knowing a soul. first day of school i walked into that room and was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to be my friend. Jason & Kyle were two of the first. I can't even tell you what they've done for me. Kyle is who i've looked up to as an officer for the last four years. He was always so amazing & supportive, as an officer, as a friend, and just as a person. He wrote in my yearbook, "don't ever change & watch after mrs evans," haven't missed a beat since.

Jason, god Jason, where do i even start with you? We had our sophomoric romance for that short period of time, and regardless of it's odd ending we're still close. Not that i even thought that would keep us apart, know you. Jason has been here with me through so much. I've been stupid. Really stupid. I've done & said stupid things. Aaand then i've continued to do stupid things even after i've acknowledged i'm wrong, but continued on just to save my pride. Through it all, even after i've lost everyone else, i still had Jason. Even our worst moments weren't all that bad. I can't say i've stayed close with too many people through all four years of high school. And i mean, day one to day... whatever tomorrow is. Through ridiculous and amazing highs to the lowest of the lows, he's held my hand. I don't think words can describe how i feel for him. Well, three words are pretty good for this one i suppose. I love you. Yet, somehow, it's still not enough.

That room, brought me to Talyah. While she turned out to not be the best of friends a person could have, she still taught me so much. I loved every horribly, wonderful minute of our friendship. While we ended on a terrible note & an even more terrible falling out. I truly do miss you. I miss how we were. I miss my sister. I miss someone looking out for me. Even through a lot of the horrible things that went down between us, i can't bring myself to regret one second of it. I ended up learning so much from you & our friendship. I ended up learning a lot about myself & because of you i became part of a family.

Which brings me to my brother, who i also met in that room. Actually, at a party at kyle's house. But we grew closer in our lunches sitting in that hallway. Sol & schola was amazing with him. Evan saved my life from a terrible relationship. He taught me how to be strong. He taught me what it means to be a fighter & a survivor. Because of Evan i can literally face anything & confidence. I guess knowing he'll always be there to back me up helps a ton too. You know, even though Evan & i have had our spats, somehow, in the end we look past it & remember why we're brother & sister. Not to mention, because of him i ended up finding the courage to say yes to John.

Dear god. The choir room has shown me love & sanctuary in so many ways. John Christopher Brady. You will always be the love of my life. Even now. I have a strong feeling we'll end up together. No doubt, it's because of that room & the love we both have for music that keeps us falling for each other. He had me when you held me & sang "Star of the County Down." His voice was shaky & filled with fear, yet there was so much sincere love in it. I couldn't help falling in love with him. Our year in schola together was the greatest year of my life. Sitting next to him. Singing my heart out. What's a better way to spend my day? Boston will always be ours. Disneyland will always be our special place for each other. Without that room, we may have never been able to have those night under the stars, forever embracing each other, deftones playing our song softly. I will always love you. I hope it's in our stars that we get back together. i still feel like we have more to do. There is so much more i have to say to you. It's too bad i can't find all the words. Good thing is we're not done.

Oh tommy monster. where has time gone? I feel like these two years of friendship have been so much more, so much longer. I couldn't imagine myself sharing this year with anyone but you. You have quickly become my best friend. You have held my hand & been my rock through so much. You've touched me in so many ways & helped me through things i never thought i could go to you for. You're such a caring person & like so many other choir vikings i've met you're soul is nothing like the crazy spirit you front to the world. You're my best friend. Hands down. I love how i can just show up at your house & walk in like i live there. I'm glad i'm some one you feel you can turn to in your times of need. I'm glad you asked me to sit there & cry with you. I'm glad you let me in, you invite me in. I'm hoping me sitting on the couch crying with you & snuggling up to you made you feel more human again when you couldn't feel much of anything. I wish i could take all your pain away love. I know i can handle it because i have you. Tommy, this year has been so much more than what i would have imagined at the beginning & it's all because of you. My feast partner, my best friend, my sol mate. I won't even sit here & go back over the memories we've shared only because we're not even close to being finished making them.

Alicia, my dearest & other bestest friend, i met you through your boyfriend, who i met through mine. Goodness me, what a friendship this has been. Quite the spunky child you are. (: I really thought alicia was a total homewrecker at first. I've never been so happy to be proven wrong. The choir room, and music really has been known to teach that judgement is stupid. No one is what they look like, because they're usually so much more amazing. Which is exactly how alicia is. She's just amazing & has been another one of those people who have taught me to live life with a strong conviction & even stronger heart. She's so kind & caring & i love her forgiving spirit & just how open we are with each other. I love how we can be so mean but with so much love in every punch to the boob. She's shown me what real best friends do. She's kept my spirits high all year. I don't think i could have made it through disneyland without her. Plus, the party she threw for me was just...breath taking. The fact she went through so much for me made my cry. She's quite literally held my hand through everything this year. Every fight, every break-up or break-up like moment, she was on the phone with me day or night for however long i needed her, and even at some points tell her Robert to fuck off. <3

Oh Robert, you've been such an ass, and yet somehow one of my greatest friends just because i know after that concert, when alicia was out there holding my hand as i cried on her shoulder, you came out & said you were proud of me & i had done the right thing. I've always loved you dearly even when you're making fun of me for whatever reason you can think of. (: Thank god i'm over trying to figure you out. You've always been the straight forward ass & it's actually, truthfully, helped me a lot in some ways. You tell it how it is, and yet i know that even through the harsh words you're one of the kindest people i know.

The choir room is an amazing, wonderful & always changing place. This year, that room brought me to friends i would have never expected to make. Danielle, you're probably one of the sweetest girls i've had the pleasure to know. You're as sweet as you are beautiful. I sincerely regret not getting to know you better, but thank god you're going to ASU because now we can work on making some wonderful college memories. I hate how we let high school interfere in what could potentially be an absolutely amazing friendship, but at least we have it all down now. I adore your spirit & love smile & how it just brightens the room. (: Thank god for choir. I'm so glad we had a chance to enjoy schola together & had that time in Cali as a group. You're a gorgeous person, inside & out.

I know there's more, but through these tears i can't bring myself to say much more than i love you all.

that final was the hardest test i've ever taken.