Jan 22- "Oh how sweet the irony tastes"

So, i had a feeling when i sat down to write this i'd be writing it more than once. :D Third times charm, as they say.

Alright, well this week has been quite humbling & rewarding. I've learned a lot. I usually do after i realize i've got way too much going on. So, i'm never the first to spill my feelings about anything. I'd rather keep it to myself and repair whatever on my own. This week, i just want to talk to everyone. I want someone to say something that takes all the hurt, angry, & betrayal away. Most of the people i call friends aren't completely my friends. It's hard to say anything to them at all. My best friend, she's amazing, but she doesn't understand him at all. It's a difficult place to find myself. So i have just let it all out to anyone who will help me. Which for me feels amazing right now. All my stress it just disappearing. I had my first five hour phone call in a long time that was a lot of randomness & lots of shouting of incoherent things. And no lie, it made me smile so much.

It's amazing how much a like the two main men in my life are. They have the same tastes in nearly everything. It's pretty amazing. I would say they only differ at what is considered "good" music & appropriate hair length, but other than that their pretty dead on with each other. I think its amazing though how both of them know exactly what to do or say to hurt me so much. I love and i hate them so much. Neither of them have the capacity to listen to what i say. My dad treats me like a four year-old when i want to go out. The incessant questions. Why, where, how long, who, what for, parents? I'm two months shy of 18. I'm not a baby. I haven't even done anything wrong. I'm a good kid, a good student, & i have never understood why i can't just go out because i want to. Why must you constantly treat me like a child? By this age i should be able to say, "hey, i'm leaving," & just leave. I hate how i can't live any sort of normal life with you or mom. Seriously, it is so aggravating living here. And the divorce, yeah, i'm not living with either of you because both of you are crazy. Irony: I get my wish now. I yelled so much yesterday. I told my parents it's their fault why i have such weird relationships with all of my friends. I hate how my mom refuses to let people come over. I hate how i can't just leave. Both of them say things about my friends. Horrible things too. My mom just doesn't say it to their face like my dad. He got special attention for that. I hate how he feels the need to tell all of my friends to cut their hair or shave or call them a girl or some other name or pick on them for clothes. Whatever. They're not your kid SHUT UP!

He's the same way though. He never listens to me. He takes in whatever he hears & assumes it true. You did too accuse me & yes then you did ask, well did you? Aaaand i said no. (: Mostly because im not & because i don't even have his number any more. When he blocked me via myspace that was it. No aim. No e-mail. No text. No nothing. (: I was so pissed it's not even funny. Here's the thing: his brother wants the three of us to be buddy-buddy before they leave. It's a nice thought. It's great to reminisce in memories of better times. But you know what else would be nice? A lot things. Like it would be wonderful if my parents would stay together. It would be wonderful if i all sorts of money to pay for college. It would be nice if i was taller & had bigger boobs than Alicia. But there are something in the world that will never be. As sad as that is knowing i will never get taller or have bigger boobs i suppose i have to accept it. Here's the irony, you're talking to the one person i would never want to you talk to & you promised me you wouldn't (: And that's why you're a liar & a promise-breaker! Told you i had valid reasons for that call. I just maybe shouldn't have been talking to shammy when i found out. Oh, oh, oh you didn't even hear the worst of it. If it weren't for Shammy actually to show how much she doesn't hate you, i'm not doing any of it. So you're aware, i wanted you hurt just as bad as i did. I wanted you to cry so hard and break your heart. I wanted to see some emotion from you. And you always say, "i'm always here for you. I'll always care for you." Hi. I'm here. I am in need of care. I need to have one sane person talking to me. I need help through this point in my life. So there. Tis why i called. Oh & it's not cool to get mad at me for calling you, who broke up with me, upset because i'm 'effing heartbroken & all of the above emotions. I was hoping you'd be upset, like i don't know complacent because i said i hate you. (: Also, i heard from a highly reliable source you still think i despise your band. I love that dearly. I absolutely hate your band. So to drive my point home about how much of a burning hate i harbor for these three, four guys i don't know this is what i do and say. "Oh wow! I'm so proud of you! Here, let me take you down to Mill Ave to celebrate how amazing you're doing with your band." Oh sneaky! And of course i offer to bake from scratch cookies, (and i mean scratch flour, eggs, vanilla the whole thing) for people i hate. Hell, i love pissing my mom off fighting over whether or not i should be allowed out that far away from home and for that long only to find out it's a big fat 'effing no, oh and now i'm grounded. I guess people who hate other things move it/them right up there on their top w/e bullshit & make like a special section for them in their music section & offer to come take some badass pictures on a really sexy camera. & All classic signs of a hater i suppose. I mean, i realize i never fully explained why i dislike just the fact i ever see you. Well, okay, the only reason i didn't (and let's all make note of the past tense there) like it was because i only ever really have my weekend free and you started spending all your time with them. Our time was gone. If i wanted to hang out with you i'd have to go with you to a practice of which i can't exactly hang out with you because you'll be practicing. So note the frustration. Not to mention, but i'm not sure if you know, but my parents are 'effing nazis. A's B's are just not good enough in AP classes, i should be coming home with super A's. 3's & 4's on the five hour test for these classes, again, i should be getting 9's (which if you don't know, isn't eve possible. The test is out of 5) Getting into college, not worth any sort of "good job" or "congratulations" from the people who gave birth to me, brought me into the world, raised me. I get more praise from my friends than i do my parents. Do you even know how that feels? I'm degraded for not being perfect. It's really hard to not let that get to you & let it influence your personality & your mentality or stress levels when that's what you have to be in order to get love in your house. Getting a what, 1800 out of 2400 on my first try at the SAT's was not good enough for them. Being in the 10% isn't good enough. Take four AP classes & doing everything i do isn't enough. And they can't appreciate me for what i really love. My mom only comes to my concerts because she has to. It's her "obligation as my parent to go." Thanks, really. Well, i suppose it's better than my dad who has been to one in the last four years & only came because i made him. No, really, thanks guys.

And you know, this thing with Brady gets even better. He has always said to me, "i wish you didn't wear make up. You're so gorgeous with out it." So, tuesday, i wake up late & i'm not really in the mood to do the monotonous hair & make up routine so i skip it and just go to school. I happened to just glance in a mirror & think, "wow, i actually really don't look half bad for just waking up & not doing anything" Curly hair, no make up, jeans, In Flames t-shirt, sweatshirt over that, and a ratty pair of converse has never gotten so many compliments in my life. So because of this rather interesting turn of events i've stopped wearing make up & straightening my hair. It's easier and I look way cute supposedly. And i guess there's some more irony for the week. (: He left me. He tells me "i'll always care..." & so on. He is just amazing. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry (yet, understanding. It's a complicated place in my head.) How is it that i am the one being avoided? How is it that i am the one keeping him in my top spot w/e (actaully to get back at him again, ironically, my number one is now Skywards his band. I like your band more than your face.) How is it that i haven't changed anything on my page pertaining to him? The feelings haven't changed. That's pretty much what he said too, so again, if we feel that way, but just can't take a relationship for obvious, yet quite paradoxical reasons on my part ( i love him & hate him & all guys like my dad right now & think 'love' is bullshit & so on) why don't we just say that's what it is? Why must it be so 'effing black or white? Where did the world's love for abstract go? Especially yours. I don't think i will ever understand this world.

Anyway, that pretty much is all the irony that can fit in one week, or i hope so. One more day, so let's see. (: