jan 19th-- "i'm so petty"

well, i am just full of it today. okay. so here are the two blogs from myspace. which i am promptly deleting. or putting away for sometime.


i'm so petty


dear myspace, i have been avoiding you for the last couple days i hoping you wouldn't confirm something i was already positive about. of course, without fail, you didn't let me down. i hate you though. i truly do. i hate that in a strange way an update to a profile makes it official. and if we still feel that way, why don't we keep the sweet things up. i'm almost positive if i changed that picture and made it my default it would cause a scandal. how sad is that? why are you so important to a boy who never updates his page while we're together but the moment there is a 'status change' he is prompt to have that marital error corrected? if i can say i love you, but just can't give you the attention i feel you deserve why can't we just say that? why must all our sweet little nothings be erased? are you terrified or what people may think? that's not like you; so stop. i'm throughly and utterly in love with him. i'm such a terrible person though. i'm proud & i never really let go. i got angry over stupid things. maybe i just need more... but you know, i'm scared of the idea of "love". i sort of connect love & complete liar together now. it's not his fault. it's just what i see. i mean, in an awful way i do connect him to that, yet i understand what he was saying. i feel it too. i'm unhappy in my life. i can't give him happiness if i can't find it for myself. i'm not really trying to do anything anymore. i want the world to sink in while i sit still and watch it pass by. i'm tired of trying to keep up with the world. i'm going to just sit. i do want this in the future though. i want to be yours and i want you to be mine when i can see through all of this again. my heart isn't in to anything i'm doing right now. i'm in need of time to myself. time to readjust to my new family arrangements. i will think about you all the time. i'm going to give you what i can, but i won't limit you, or myself. i will always love you. i hope that what my heart wants it gets, eventually. oh & i lied. oh nine is not a year for reconciling with the world, just with myself. i miss my life.


and you want to hear the worst of all of it

first. i truly am that petty. but "refreshed" & "breathing new air" uhm, i'm not sure how to feel.
why do i actually do this. imma go old school & just delete this. cleanse my life. it's funny because this morning i was willing to let the world see how i see it; now i think i'm cutting myself off again.


&& here is the rest. and then i'm done. i'm becoming quite cynical. even with him, it was all lies. it was fake. i can't believe i fell for this again. you were right. i don't know who you are, but you're right. the ever eternal beast of 'bwahaha. i win you lose' that's who you are. and hey, you are right. i am wrong. you knew what was best all along. you knew that it would be like that. how can i have a relationship. my whole life is dysfunctional. i can't do anything right. my pride is awful. and i didn't want this to be like this. i wanted to break up and not have these awful crying at my computer writing something thoughtful moments; which i got anyway. how can i love if it's all lies? how can anyone love? how can you have such happy things to say. i was stale air for you? thanks. well you're just... not cool. ohh. now what.

don't i like myself