Feb 3rd-- "farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest."

So theses last week, have been so much worse than the last few months & the solace i can take is that the night is darkest just before the dawn. Hopefully, this is my dawn & i'm going to walk away a better, stronger person. I've decided to move forward. Not necessarily on, but just forward. So here is my farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest.

I'm glad you didn't call me monday. I don't think i could face you without tears streaming down my face. I don't even think i could talk to you right now becuase i'm in fear you're just going to say something to hurt me more. All i ever wanted was an explanation. I wasn't ever calling you to get you to be mine again. As i said before, i can't take care of you right now, let alone myself. I'm okay with being friends. In fact, i want that more than anything. I want to build a stronger relationship off of a string friendship. I thought maybe with less pressure to be perfect I could turn to you for comfort. You're the one who told me, let's be friends. You told me, you loved me. I thought everything would be okay. You confuse me now more than ever. I realize, i've done wrong. I shouldn't have called you and said all those nasty things. I was so hurt though that you took our promised & broke them, our sweet little something & erased them like they all meant nothing. From where i am standing this is what it looks like. Well, he dropped all of that fast. I guess it didn't mean as much to him as he said it did. Ouch. I said i was sorry. I gave my peace. What more can i do? Have i done something wrong? You're being awful cruel without a lot of cause or reason. If i've done something, i want you to tell me so i can understand and have a place to work off of. I've just been trying to be friends, but if you want me to go away, i can. In fact, if that's what you wanted from the beginning that's all you had to say. Look, i can accept it if i understand where it's all coming from. There is some much that is happening without any reason what so ever. I'm getting all sorts of mixed and fake answers from everyone. No one really knows what you're thinking or ay least they won't tell me. I can't know what to do if you don't tell me. If you're confused then say it. If you want me gone. Say it. I don't know what to do if you don't tell me, okay? BUt in reality, it's a little late now. I'm so hurt by you. What have I don't to deserve this? Don't i at least deserve answers for me. I hate this. I hate having to wait or chase after you. I shouldn't have to. If you want me, if you love me, i'm right here for the taking. If you don't then say something & leave me to grieve & move on. It's hard to hang on to something that may never grow into something amazing. It's so much false hope. I already feel like crap & talking to you just makes me feel worse because you say whatever you can to break my already dwindling spirit. And remember, this is just all from my perspective. If that's not the case, go ahead, say so now. It hurts to wait like this. I'm tired of this. I hate how this relationship ends up being all about what you want & i feel like my feelings are never taken into consideration. Look, if we love each other, there is no reason for us to stay apart, okay? We can get back together & complete wipe the past of all our mistakes. Never bring them up ever again. We'll keep all of the promised worth keeping & have the relationship we've always wanted. I'll drive over to your house early on saturday mornings, we can lie in bed till noon & then we'll wake up & have pancakes ( :D maybe some sweet & passionate love) you never know. Fridays will be date night, or band night, your choice. Or hell, we can do both that day. We'll spend time here with my family & there with yours. I'll be your ever loyal ever doting wife & make you sweets for band and take care of you when you get sick. We'll never keep our thoughts & desires locked away any more. We'll sleep out under the stars, fall asleep in each others arms. Everything we've ever wanted. If you want it, say so now & it's yours. But if you don't want that, if there is something, someone else out there say so. Because then all of that is someone else's. I'm tired of playing silly games with my heart & you. Until you break the silence, i am gone. I will miss you every single day. I will think about yo every night, every time i look up at your painting hanging on my wall, a lion, a penguin, anything & everything that had to do with you i'll always think of you. Every time i'm lying in bed cold & i'll remember the times you held me close. Whenever my heart is lonely i'm going to remember how you kissed me gently. I don't ever want to erase those messages you left either. They're too sweet & i'm afraid i'll never hear that sweet, tender & sincere tone ever again. I love you with everything i am always & forever.

my best friend, my lover, my penguin.

my john.