March 21st

I've been thinking about fate a lot. Like it was fate for me to meet John when i did. I feel like we're connected with weird ways that i've never had with others before. I feel like it's fate i became such good friends with Shammy when i did because of her i've made so many positive life style changes. I think it's fate breaking up with John when we did. I think it's fate that i've met all the people i've met, when i've met them since the break up. I think it's fate i've learn the things about myself from the new friends i've made. Like, meeting Derek and spending time with has taught me a lot. This last week or so a strange conversation that wasn't meant to express changes made ended up being about these new life i feel i've found. And now that i've thought about it, with out trying things have really changed. After i thought about it i had a conversation with Shammy. Honestly, I have made some changes. I'm really happy with them. I used to find consistency within John, with having him around and a huge part of my life for so long. The last two and a half years i spent it around John, basing it off of John, around him. He's amazing, but that was awful and unhealthy to an extreme. As of recently i've begun keeping a journal daily and devoting an hour to reading of all sorts. Bible. Chuck. Some book shammy gave me (; I've begun to look forward to things that are going to be here forever no matter what. Music. Jesus. My family. Books. It makes me feel safe, the same way John always did, but better. I never have to worry or pressure them to be there for me. They just are. inanimate & intangible, totally, but i talk to my laptop & cd player. Inanimate has never bothered before. I find comfort in knowing that my music will always be here; all day, everyday. Jesus will love me unconditionally. And books will always be here to teach me things, make me laugh, make me cry, help me through everything & make me feel not so alone. It's amazing, not that John wasn't amazing, but i know leaning on him like that put so much strain where it wasn't needed. Aside from that, but i feel very strong, like i've survived something and nothing else can hurt me. I'm strengthened through my dear friends Shammy, Kristen, Tommy, & Jason. Oh, what would i do without you. <3 You know, every time John & i break up i am thrown into this horrible... just it's not good. Ever since this last break though i feel invigorated and strong, like i can really do anything. Spending time with derek, getting close to him has been amazing. I've become attached to him. He left for Florida. One week gone. I missed him. I wish i could see him, but i wasn't destroyed. I was ever just as happy before he left. I called him & left a message to say i hope you have fun & i wish you well. That was all. I feel good. I feel strong. I'm not overly dependent on him, or anyone. So i'm not a hassle to them like i was with John. I would constantly text him & spazz when i didn't hear from him, always thinking the worst too. I don't even know what "the worst" was, but clearly nothing happy. (: Whenever there was a problem between the two of us i let it devour my life. It affected my mood. I was so sad and couldn't do anything & then would never do anything to rectify the issue. Now, i don't have problems, but if i did i'd attack the sucker head on fools ;D Aside from just being happy and dependent on myself, not allowing others & issues with people to affect my happiness and who i am i'm making more friends. I'm happy. So since i am happy & single & quite care free, i go out more. I make new friends & have the craziest times. I feel hella daring. I STOLE A STREET SIGN & PUT IT IN AN OLD MAN'S BACKYARD WITH SHAMMY!! It was awesome! Speaking of daring though, as shammy pointed out i'm so much MORE up front with everything. I told off my parents & now i have a life. This spring break was the best i've ever had. I've gone out every day. My curfew, nearly non existent. I was with tom, i said i'd be home at 6 i came home at 8. (: Shammy & i were at the mall. Out of now where i call, "is it fine if i get lunch & go to casey's for an hour or so?" and i did. Shammy is allowed to come & go as she pleases. Derek just randomly shows up at my house & no one cares. They let me do things. Oh, is it grand. (: And i've come to find, i don't give a damn what anyone thinks, ever. Not even my parents. I know in school i'm trying my best. If i get a C that means i didn't understand something & i need work, but i did my best. You know, i'm not a bad child. I don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't do anything stupid. I'm a good kid. I take AP classes because i enjoy the challenge. If i try hard, who cares? I know it's stupid, but i used to care a lot about what my friends thought of me. Make up. Hair. clothes. Everything. I don't give a flying fuck now. (: I'm more open & straight forward with EVERYONE. The only person i'm not MORE straight forward with is Shammy, and that's because i'm already overly open with her. I've been telling everyone everything. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. Silly, depressing, random, horrible, amazing. The things i would normally never let leave my lips till it was too late, all out in the open. The things i would be to afraid to tell to John, the things i was afraid to let in the open, the things i would wait on & let fester in my mind till it's too late and more than i can handle, i let those monsters out right away. (: haha. I feel good about it. I feel good letting everyone know. I know we broke up for a reason. I mean, as Shammy says everything happens for a reason. I honestly think this happened because the progression of time since we broke up, the things that have happened, the things i've heard or i've witnessed in that time has made me realize a few things that i needed to see. First, i hate this ridiculous cycle we have that everyone points out. Hi. (: I'm not retarded. I see it too. I hate it. I sit there and say i say to Shammy how i hate that it repeats and it never seems to end. I want an end to it. So when i came to my senses I decided to listen to his friend and get over him, or try to. I understand now that we need to, well at the very least, i need to mature. There were so many times, so many incidences, fights, all out brawls that could have been avoided if i would have dropped my selfish insecurities and thought about John, the love of my life, things would have been different. Of course, i only realize this now, after it matters, after it's too late to do anything. It took me awhile to understand that two people could grow apart, like away from each other, not from each other & have it be beneficial to the relationship. You know, i honestly want to stop this stupid cycle. You know, i this is the first time i've ever decided to take a step back and take a long serious look at this. I'm tired of the temporary fixes. I want something permeant. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the high school relationship. I want, wanted a real relationship that would turn into something real that would go beyond high school. John is my first true love. I love him dearly. I want, wanted him forever. I understand that won't happen. I mean his friends have made it clear i should move on, of which i am trying to. Promise. I've been sort of seeing people. Hanging out with other guys who i'm not 100% sure how i feel about them. There is one thing or another about them i enjoy, but no one is you. I want to be friends with him. That's all i've wanted ever since we broke up. You know i'm not looking for a relationship. With anyone. I'm kind of just going along testing waters. Honestly, seeing other people has made me appreciate what i had with him. I miss him dearly. I know we can't be together, but i want him as a friend at least. And if something ended up happening later on down the road... maybe it would work with all the time that has past & with all the growing we've done. You know? I want to build a better friendship with him. I do hope for a relationship, a chance to make everything right. A chance for that ideal relationship we always talked about and hoped for. It's odd. I know we could have it, in the sense that it's available to us now. Or to me & whomever i'm with. It's so ironic, but amazing.

I didn't intend for this to turn into something about John. (: Haha. It's just that the whole reason this got brought up was because of him and messages back and fourth between Robert & i really. Oh well, I WAS writing because i'm rather proud of myself and the progress i've mad personally within my life. The changes i've made i made without thinking about them i suppose. I never set out to find consistency in music or god or books or journals. Even though i should have in the first place, i didn't. You would think i would have given my life to music a long time ago, and i thought i had, but i really have now. I find more peace & comfort in music now than i ever have before. (: I didn't sit there & say i'm going to be "straight forward" with people & my parents & change how i look at relationships. It just happened because i was angry and upset with how my life was. I did something little because i hated how i was living my life. It was never to fullest, and honestly now it is and i'm so freaking happy. <3

I'm so thankful for everything. I'm trying to move on from all this petty high school drama. (: I want a more mature, fulfilled happy life and i want all of you in it! <3


Part 2 of this daaay (:

So this break up has been the single most amazing thing ever to happen to self esteem. Now that i'm single people i haven't said more than five words to in the last 3 years are tell me how they like me and they've always thought i was beautiful. I'm not complaining at all. I feel really good about myself though. I want to attribute some of this to the changes i've made to my life, hopefully it makes me a more attractive person, personality wise. (: Anyway, it's weird that all the boys like me now, but i feel good about it. You getting compliments like i have been. It's really nice. I'm worried becuase i'm not sure what to do. Like i've never really had to deal with turning people down before this, but i dunno. Haha. (:

I'm seventeen, single, and fabulous.

Come & get me.