Feb 20th

Hanging out with Evan today made me realize that John and i are done forever, if not just for now. I sat there crying on his shoulder asking the unavoidable question of, "what did i do wrong?" He replied, "you didn't. He's stupid. He made promises he couldn't keep." Obviously, but what were those. "He didn't realize how long forever is." I wonder what i did to deserve this sometime. I gave him everything I am, my heart, my soul, my body; all i get in return are broken promises. I'm horrible too. I try so hard to forget & to move on, but it's hard when our life is here. I had to drive right past John in order to get to Evan's house. I always wonder if i'll run into John when i go get sushi. I wonder walking to choir if i'll bump into him leaving. It's hard to just forget your life. I've had to separate myself from my friends. But at the same time, i feel this is right. I mean, i've reconnected with everyone i stopped talking to because of John. Was it a bad relationship? Did we ever really love each other?


I suppose only time will tell at this point. This leans into my whole thoughts & feelings on how everything happens for a reason. Hm. I Have too many thoughts for today, but i can't get them all straight. It's driving me crazy. What am i to do? Should i take Evan's advice & give Derek a week to decide what we are? Or let time takes its own course? I want it all the take the course that leaves me from being hurt.


I just don't want to hurt anymore.