i can't help but over think everything

i have a hard time just accepting the most obvious & rather reasonable answer. my mind has always been one to jump to ridiculous conclusions. why? not totally sure, but thinking the all time worst possibility makes the reality amazing. right now i am keeping myself cuddling some cheap vodka till i pass out. this night thus far has been successful. i want to quit. i'm tired of using drinking as a crutch, especially when i have tom & rae. drinking only makes my over-thinking worse.

oh, what am i over thinking? what else? everything about it too. like number one. this is too perfect, yet i've waiting through so much crap to get here. there has got to be some light at the end of the tunnel right? like this moment has been years in the making so why isn't it happening? we've talked about it. we talked about it yesterday. god. him kissing me in front of rae was amazing. it felt so right. i think he feels it too. i know he feels it too. again. we've talked about how we both think it could work. it kills me. i understand why he doesn't want to push this further. i get that, but at the same time, IF he were to lose john, which i don't think we would, but if he's meant to lose john's friendship it's going to happen regardless. if it doesn't happen today, it'll happen. and aside from that john loves tom. so he'd never dip out completely. also if john loves tom he'd want him to happy. but this group of people is pretty fucked up when it comes to concerning themselves with the feelings of another person. i just hate to see tom be torn up over this & like having my heart kind crushed through it as well. it hurts to not be with tom in the way that i feel for him. and he says, 'oh there's other guys, we'll get over this' but honestly, what if i don't? or can't? or just don't want to? why stop from doing something that makes us happy? it only hurts us. there's so much wrong. i don't think tom should care so much about other people. or at least let them control him to a point where he misses out on an opportunity for happiness. not that i'm some great opportunity for long term happiness... but what if? what if this is real & true & lasts beyond here. i never want to wonder about what could have come from this... i don't want to continue on with our friendship & just try to pretend this didn't happen. i just... UGH.


it's three thirty. i'm freaking out. especially since he dipped out with four blue moons. was he upset? or just.... relaxing? ):

no. will not drink this out. i'll get through this with nothing but myself & friends.

merry christmas <3

when i thought it was utterly hopeless some light shines through. i tried to talk to him. he ignored me. pushed me away. i called rae. she shouted at him what the truth was. he left. ):

but i sped past him to rae. he shows up. i was going to leave buuut he follows me to my car. he kisses me. tells me he's sorry.


<3



mmm. my world is okay again. i feel ten thousand times better in his arms. like nothing can hurt me. the second i'm with him like that & he's kissing my nose i'm fine again. he was so cute. he put his hands in my pockets & mine in his & we just stood there keeping each other warm.

merry christmas (:

confuzled like a peach

hwell. i thought you hearing from him about how i picked you would make you happy. i want you. not him. i told him to gtfo because i care about you ten fold than for him. so... awesome? apparnetly, i'm a fuck up regardless of what i do. that's cool. at least i know now that i can do no right. so now i can take all the fucking blame for why things didn't work out with john or jesus or anyone.


okay. fuck two thousand nine. honestly? like nothing good really came from this year. there is so much more bad than there is good... i mean every good thing that has happened was followed by at least 3 bad things. i mean, yes, i'm over john & i can move on from this & go off & find the person i am truly meant to be with. oh, tom likes you too. OH. john isn't okay with anything you do regardless of all the staring he does whenever you're around. fuckin' ah. i mean you look like you have something to say to me john so fuckin' say it. christ. i lost just about everyone i care about at one point or another this year. always cool. but i did find out who my true friends are. i found rae through all of this. she turns out to be the best friend i've ever had. we have these epis conversations like this weekend where the world seems to fall into place & everything makes sense. fate. you know, the whole deal. i finally tell moses just to go away. i lose tom... hey cool.



i'm slightly offended tom. i did this for me & while i didn't do it to make you happy, i had hoped it would. i mean, rather than just piss you off.


maybe fate it just not as much what i thought. always awesome.

alright. my beezie.

so... it was wrong of me to flip out when he went to that party & didn't text. (: lulz. i know. i'm a horrible jealous person. i know. but it would just... suck. i don't know.

moses is still pissing me the fuck off. ignoring him. & the problem. both will go away eventually.

alicia's party tonight (: fun stuff will happen. rae will be here soon so we can get this shit started!

):<

heeeeey cool.

me: 'i really wish these snakes were your arms'
him: 'good song'



kthnx.

bon jour!

seeing your face when i woke up was amazing.
making you breakfast now (: pancakes ftw!


<3

The past never dies

It really doesn't. You need to stop. You are the start of this. The root of my problem. You know your looks & personality is just irristable if you try hard enough. Honestly. Go back to her & leave me out of this. I want to stay your friend, but if i keep texting you you're going to think more of it than i want you too. I'm finally free from whatever stupid grip i let you get on me. I have Tom. I have my best friend. Someone who i'm sure is a better lover than you anyway. And no. I would rather not find out if that's true. Go away. Leave me alone. You don't give a shit about me in the first place if you honestly want to push this. You know you're the reason for John being pissed, so stop & go away. And again, i have Tom. He's infinitely better than you. He's been here for me through so much. Over years. Just uh-mazing. Tom beats you out Moses ten fold, no more, but still. Basically... get the fuck out. You've ruined too much already. Tom is perfect. This is perfect. hwell. Not perfect, but it can be. Not like with you Moses. No. Get out. You confuse me so... Like you just kind of pop in & out when its convenient for you. I was actually excited to see we were able to be friends when i got those tickets for you. But you still semi-ignored me at the show. That whole month or two or three you blew me off over you did all this shit that messed with my head... why?! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUUUCK ALONE!

speaking of which. i don't know what to say or what to do when it comes to this. you're almost bi-polar with how you act. in my gut i feel like something is wrong. but then again the way you pulled me into when i moved away, the what i took as a sweet goodnight text. not even that! there are other things you've said in the week that i was your girl that just... ah! still. you said that was the last kiss at least three times. but then yesterday there were no kisses. and you seemed totally put off... but then you texted me. you want that photo of us up... fuck. i think too much.


i wish i woke up next to you this morning. i love waking up to your face monster <3 Je t'aime.

ps. i love it when you whisper te amo to me. ( D: oh god... i can't speak spanish... so that spelling is awful, but i know it means i love you. just like je t'aime)

fml.

It's 3, almost four i won't go to bed till five. at least. i can't sleep...

I am a fuck up. In everything i do. I. Fuck. Up. Like it doesn't mater. I fuck up. I have a fucked up way of thinking. I know. I know i am no where near perfect. But tonight was. That talk in the car was. It made me so happy. I can't even tell you. Never in my wildest dreams would i have expected to hear anything you told me. Jealous? Really? That's what it was? You like me. As more than your best friend. I just... i would have never known. I am so glad i have you. I'm glad we have this. I'm glad i have you to hold me. I can't believe you feel the same way i feel. You held my hand. You took cute pictures with me & with rae. I've never had so much fun in my life. I love you. I adore you. I want to live in that moment forever. Forever. Everything was real. The sex. The kisses. The sweet words. You felt like i was your girl & you liked it? Me too! I want to be your girl. I feel so amazing that you chose me as your first. There is a part of me that wishes i waited for you. Something legit. Not that John wasn't. But this is perfect. The more i think about the more perfect it feels. My parents love you. Yours love me. Our parents love each other. You're my best friend. What could be better? We have the means & oppertunity to spend all the time we need together. I think it can work. My heart pounds in my chest & i have all these butterflies in my tummy when i'm with you. I love when you play with my hair & when i lay in your lap. You're amazing & so utterly handsome i can't even describe it. (: I've never been happier & with you i feel like i can do anything & everything is okay & nothing bothers me when i'm with you. I love you.

But of course, everything amazing is so short lived. I didn't want you to read my thoughts that are fucked up & worried & scared. Of course you read the wrong thing. It's not want you think. I thought... when i said that, i thought, i felt like i was being used. I was scared. I don't want to be one of those girls. I'm not a fuck buddy. I didn't want to be, but at the same time... i'd be anything for you. Your friend. Best friend. Fuck buddy. Girlfriend. I don't care. I just want to be there. I want to take care of you. I want to do anything & everything with you. It's not that i miss john. I miss sex with someone i know loves me. I'm tired of this bullshit of being 'with' someone and not, you know with someone. Like is it so wrong to want to be in a relationship where someone fucking wants me for once?! UGH! So fucking stupid. I'm scared. I'm tired & i'm scared. His face broke my heart... i couldn't do anything but cry. We talked. But will he ever actually talk to me again? He... like... i just don't know... He said not to over think this. He said he wasn't mad, but he looked like it. Acted like it too. But he hugged me & he kissed me.

What does this mean?

I ruined everything didn't I? He'll never love me. It'll never be good. It'll never be perfect. Why am i such a fail...

I actually managed to stay sober for most of tonight. Going to sleep coherent...

'sitting, waiting, wishing'

Why am i doing either of these? Just because you said cute sweet things? Because I want it to be more than what it is? 'fuck buddies' That's all he wants. Right? Then why did he tell me his favorite part was kissing me? Why does he kiss me like that? And hold me. It means something right? This was a horrible idea. I have too many feelings. I'm making this more in my head, in my heart than it should be. For all i know he's blowing me off to hang out with her. Maybe it didn't mean anything to him. I talked to Rae. You apparently talked such mad shit. She's shocked we've been hanging out this much. You couldn't stand me a week ago. I am being played aren't i? Well, i'm making myself being played? I mean he did say this was "practice" so i shouldn't be upset if this is practice for him to...

What the fuck. I am such an idiot. I shouldn't be waiting up for him, but i want to see him so bad.

Over my head

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head


Really, it's what I do. I get in way over my head, but at the same time, who better to get in over my head with than you?
The best person to do this with, do that with, would be you, my best friend. It was amazing. The best ever. I just hope it was real. It was for me. Like i said, i wouldn't do that, i wouldn't say this, if i didn't love you. And i do. More than i should. I'm scared though. Worried beyond all belief that this is a one sided affair. That this is another trick from... who knows. Why me? Like you've had the opportunity. You've had the girls. You kissed one saturday. I don't even know what kind of a kiss that was. Or why its your default. Were you trying to drop that burden so you could go be with her? Is that what i was?

FUCK.

Why can't i just find someone who loves me for me? And wants to be with me because i'm me. Where is my true love? Hm?

Part of me is ecstatically happy & blown away & just amorous. The other part is worried & scared.
Part of me thinks, he's still your best friend. Look at how he was acting before. The snuggling. You've seen him everyday since then. Then again, he did ignore you straight up for over a month & told you to fuck off...


i wish i could read minds...

this is like another drug, but better & stronger than the last

Even though i tried promising myself i wouldn't go there, i did. And i'm kinda addicted to it, to you. Don't let me go. Don't go for her. Please? I kinda adore you dearly. And i can't stand to think of you as someone else's. I know this will only get me hurt. You're probably not thinking what i'm thinking and what i'm feeling. It's not your fault. It's mine. I went in with feelings, but i will come back with nothing.

secrets

I have a secret that i can't tell anyone. It's the most amazing thing ever though. It's possibly not the wisest thing considering who you are, who our friends are, and hwell, our feelings. My feelings. Let's say that this little messing around deal turns into something serious, i think everyone is right, it would be a great relationship. I was into it last night becuase i adore you. It was so weird at first, but now it's just amazing. Kissing you is amazing. I don't even mind the marks. (: It's kinda cute you wanna leave one. I kinda want one. I hope nothing changes. I hope it's not just for the sake of it at the same time... I'm conflicted.



I love you. toujours.

drinking

So i'll tell you today im done drinking & next weekend i'll get just as fucked up & say one more stupid thing...



i love you...

kthnxbai

& we'll never miss a beat

two days ago you told me, it's okay, but things won't go back to normal. 'It won't be as if we never missed a beat. We won't go back to having sleep overs again. I won't go out of my way to talk to you, but I won't ignore you either.' Last night begs to differ. We were up all night tossing & turning, stealing blankets & laughing, snuggled up & teasing each other about anything & everything. Last night we picked up where we left three weeks ago & we didn't miss a beat.

Thanks for keeping me warm bestie. Most amazing sleep over ever. I love you. Always & forever.


Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want the real reason i'm so upset

It's because as much as i'd never admit, as much as i deny it, i have always loved you & i always will. I miss you. Sleeping together snuggled up on your bed or wherever. Eating pizza & sining sweet songs together. Going to shows. You holding me & telling everything will be okay & they're not worth my tears. There is a part of me that's always wanted to be with you always and forever, but as more than what we are now. I just never have, & never will have the courage to get shot down by you too. And i know the feelings aren't returned & never will be & i'm okay with that. I'd be too afraid to lose you too, like i already have. Your friendship is enough.

I love you.

it's a little bit funny

People, no, I think it's just you, are able to accept her for what she's doing, but i'm being 'too dramatic' being being upset over being called a whore. You don't want to deal with me? You accept her bullshit story about how i am when i drink when i drink & get drunk with you the most? When you know better than anyone, when i'm drunk i get talkative & giggly as fuck? The only thing i'm ever all over is the floor. You & the people at In & Out know that one. I know you're a kind and smart person. It confounds me you would hear something so degrading and accept it. Not only believing it, but spreading it. I wasn't so much upset about losing a romantic interest as i was losing Moses as my friend. I knew when this started that the romantic side would only last so long. I was trying to enjoy something for myself, no matter how selfish it was. Not only would i be losing him because of something you said but you too, something had to go and i'd rather it not be you. I find it just amazing that you think i'm being dramatic. You think it's totally alright for her to get involved with anyone & everyone, but because awful rumors, that would change anyone's opinion about me are going around it's not okay for be to be upset? I understand that yes, things have been very unnecessarily dramatic with john, but how am I in the wrong? I should be allowed to be angry that people are lying about me. I have every right to be upset. I'm stressed out & i cry over the slightest thought of losing someone important. I know Moses hasn't been in my life long, but he is my friend. And sometimes i feel as though he is the only person who truly gives a shit about my feelings. Clearly you don't. Which is funny.


This is bullshit. You're adding fuel to the fire. You're just as immature & i cannot believe you condone this shit. Like... in the end that will be hella more dramatic than this bullshit. Cause John & I will get over it. Just FUCK.

You're like a drug, it's addicting.

Honestly, Edward couldn't have said it better, "you're a drug to me. My own personal brand of heroin." A certain someone wrote one time about how i'm a "venom" in their life. Venom doesn't describe this. It's addiction. Venom is a life sucking force that once it's gone, it's gone. You learn that snakes bite & it hurts & you never put your hand that close ever again. But venom doesn't gnaw at your insides every time your hear its name, see it, or are near it. It doesn't call out for you every time you're upset. Your body never carves it. You never itch for it, you never feel like you need. Venom is a bad experience. Drugs are good experience with a bad ending. You relapse from drugs because you miss the feeling it gave you. I miss the feeling you gave me. We're not venom to each other, we're a different kind of poison. You're my own personal brand of heroin and i can't keep the need the from my skin. Every time i get faced with a situation thats similar to us i relapse hardcore. I want to find any and every excuse to be near you. I want to hear your name, hear your voice, feel the heat from your body, i just want to see your face and remember the taste of our own drugs. I keep looking for new something new to get me away from you. When i finally thought i found something clean & healthy, it wasn't. New face, same drug, just not as potent. It still wasn't stronger than you. You're still winning. Whatever you did to take it away, you've won. Collaboration or not, the three of you, the two of you, just one of you, all three of you won. I hope you're happy. I feel like i've relapsed this whole thing over again. I'm dying for you again. I want to stay away, i know i should stay away, but i can't. I feel you in me. I can't let go, i don't want to let go. I can't help but still want to turn back the clocks to a year ago when it was in check and we were happy as could be. I want to get down on my knees and cry in front of you. I want to tell you i'm sorry, explain my mistakes. I'm stubborn, you know that. You know i can't let things go that easily. I needed that. I needed him. I needed someone who wanted me for me. I needed to be wanted. I needed to feel loved. But there is something, someone out there who took that away & i'll never get it back. And maybe it's for the best. I feel like i'm in a drug commercial looking at all the people i need to apologize to for hurting in my drug use. John & Asia fall at the top of that list. Of course, now that he's gone, i'm back to my old habit, my old drug. You called me venom, i call you heroin, i call you penguin & i still love you & i still want you. I know now, i'll never have that love & feeling again. And i want it. I want to be happy & loved.


You're my drug & i'm addicted.

Eric Lassiter

& his logic rapes my mind.


But hopefully this crazy talk with actually fix things.



<3

the coolest part

about what happened is that it was call caused by my best friends. rae told tom i was "all over justin one night" so tom told moses i was "all over justin one night." when in reality, i was was extremely upset about many, many things one october 13th and i pretty much said some horrible & slightly misplaced things at the guy who writes me music about how i should leave moses & be with him. i sat there & told him off about the kimi stuff & how i felt like he was only trying to be my friend because he thought he could get me to date him that way. oh, forgot to mention, i didn't want to go over there in the first place. i don't really like spending time over there when someone is trying to get with him when i'm taken... i also don't like people who sit there & tell me how i didn't "pay enough attention to him". i just don't like dealing with this stupid shit. i went there because rae begged e to go. she didn't want to be there alone. i felt bad after saying what i said & being a bitch when i was in a pissy mood because moses was being all weird since i got back from flagstaff & well the day was shitty on it's own.

it's also great to find out the words i was using to explain to alicia why i thought she hated me are also... bullshitting about someone else now? literally, what i i said was, i didn't know if it was just bullshit cause she was upset with you or if it was real. hearing it from other people made it pretty real. meaning it wasn't a misplaced sense of jealousy. good to know, i didn't know rae very well at the time. i do now. i mean she's great. i was almost positive this would be a drama free friendship, but no & that's disappointing. i don't always like dealing with boy drama especially if it involves good friends of mine. a lot of this stuff with rae put riffs between me & people i already had things to work out with. sergio, don't really care about but still i'd rather not have him text me upset. evan... we already have a great history of shit... i didn't need things with rae to add to it. danny got upset with me, and justin... not sure what to say. i said that rae needs to be okay with herself before she can find what she wants to have that long relationship. i thought she was jealous of alicia's relationship with robert. especially with her liking ryan & ryan liking alicia. i understand,its semi rational thinking, but we've all been there. i'm upset that tom thinks it's okay & it's his place to spread more hear say without finding anything out. hear say is pretty much lying... but i find it awesome he's willing to sit there & get involved where he shouldn't & then he wont say, "oh... my bad! that wasn't as true as i thought it was..." i mean, coming from my friends... it looks bad. also, i'm curios as to how "carina & lindsey are uneasy of having you & john in flag together" comes out as... "they didn't want you there & you go from guy to guy" apparently, i drink surrounded by boys. the last time i went drinking, i was with lidsey & carina in flagstaff. i didn't even talk to a guy. i talked to tony & katie & caitlin. and yes, carl tried to take my bed ]:< but he left. with my pillow.... HE'S GAY ANYWAY. i just don't understand the double standard.


i don't even know what to do or how to do it. i sincerely just want to be happy with my friends. i try to be a good person & just do good & just be happy even in the shittiest of circumstances.

the consensus is to drop those who keep just spreading the bullshit. i don't want to. i love them...

uh-mazing.

i've seen some amazing things happen, like uh-mazing things happen. i will never understand them & i want to. more than once i have seen the same thing take place. two people break up. one of those people ends up finding someone to just make them smile as they go through what they feel is the toughest shit ever. i watched danny bear just be crushed by a ho... & i listened to how beth and eric... well didn't work out. and now i've seen beth & danny connect. starting as friends, just talking, one thing leads to another, that person kind of steals your heart & you don't even know it. it surprises you how when they text you, you get butterflies. your legs turn to jelly & your heart is beating out of your chest when you go to see them. i know that feeling. it's been awhile since i've had legit feelings like that. that were real. meant something. i even just saw this whole thing play out with rachel & justin. WHICH. thank god. cause i hated being a bitch to him about how he needed to STOP with writing of songs as to why i should leave moses & be with him because, lemme tell you a story, not going to happen. really, those two will be great for each other. (: justin, you're much too much of a pussy & have horrible tastes in music. so, it's all for the best. i've seen tommy, totally accept his best friend dating his ex, the ex that i think, started his alcohol binge. there is just some things i don't understand. like, i will never understand how asia can have so much faith in him. he's been dating other people. i couldn't even stand by john when he was basically using me for sex & not seeing other girls. how does she stay so strong & adamant in her love & devotion when he doesn't want her in that sense anymore? i moved on because i couldn't take holding on to my feelings if there was nothing left. why hold on to something that's not going to happen? can you will it to happen & it does? (IF YOUR NAME IS ANGELICA YOU CAN CRY YOUR WAY INTO SOL ]:<) i want to talk to her and explain everything. i need her to hear what happened, and know what i wanted & how it just... didn't happen that way. it's not what you think. i'm just weak. i needed something to fill that place. i needed to get away.


talking to eric has been interesting. i don't understand how you can think about love in a "logical" sense when love isn't ever logical. we saw hercules, "people do stupid things when they're in love" i don't get how you can just dgaf so much. but it's great to hear he cares about my feelings.


oh yeah, anslina is the greatest girl i think i've ever met. she's the sweetest. <3


bon soir mon petite chou. whoever you might be...

i'm eighteen & i simply know too much

i've been alive for eighteen years, and i've been openly loving for four. in these four years i have seen too much in the ways of the heart. all of it, hasn't even been to me, or about me, but i've seen it break the people around me. i'm eighteen and i should not have felt this much love & this much anguish. no one should fall in love at fourteen. no couple should stay together for four years. no two kids should share their virginity with each other at sixteen and eighteen and do it for the spiritual connection and not because sex is fun. we should have never had those feelings for each other. i will never understand how i feel in love with that kid who i saw sitting in the choir hall in a vash t-shirt. i saw him once. i didn't even want you to come with us on that trip. i knew you liked her. i didn't want you to take her away from me. i remember talking to you over aim about it. my 'sister' & now who is my 'brother' lord. i don't even know how it happened. you slept on the floor next to me. you flip your hair it awkwardly when you lay down. i thought it was cute. you had the softest hair. your music was incredible to me. i was cold one night so you forced what later become your dimmu borgir jacket. no one this young should ever feel that. no one should meet someone on a monday & be in love by friday. what kind of god would give someone that much power over another person's heart? i don't believe god exists. he would never give a boy who just turned twenty this much power in the life of a girl who just turned eighteen for this long. he won't even look at her & he's never had more power than this. i should not feel this powerless against a boy. boys should never be able to say the things you want to hear to get you naked in your pool. boys should not touch you like that with, again, without being able to choke out the words 'i love you baby.' why are boys so cruel? boys should not be able to tell you about how they don't want to be with you & wish you the best with other people & be highly offended when it's someone they know. they should not be able to make you cry so much that your friends feel the need to find you alcohol or drug you to sleep. i shouldn't have to burst into tear at 11:58 on october 13th. that song should not be able to make me cry. i should not have to lose friends.

you would have thought from my first experience of love and loss that i would never want to like or be with or be around a boy anything like him. you would have thought, i would have learned my lesson about being open & trusting, but i didn't. at eighteen, we shouldn't be faced with the choice of making yourself or everyone around you happy. we should not be faced with these choices especially when the people benefits don't give a fuck about you or your feelings. we shouldn't have to deal with boys who are the only ones that treat you right in a sea of people using you for one reason or another. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys accusing you of being a whore & ignoring you for officially tomorrow, three weeks. we shouldn't have to deal with those boys texting us at three in the morning, tricking us, making us think everything is okay. telling me how he misses me how its been hard on him, how he's glad i smiled back, how he wanted to kiss you so bad but couldn't, how he's keeping himself from talking to you. no one should have to deal with that at eighteen. no one should wait every day just to find out "today" was another a lie. no one should wait till 2:30 am for the chance to talk to you, only to be lied to again. no one should have to feel that. no one should have to get texts for an angry ex girlfriend who feels just utterly upset. i shouldn't have to deal with that, being told to "stay the fuck away" when if i do, she won't be friend tomorrow. if i stop talking to him tonight she won't be my friend, ever. we weren't friends in the first place. i was going to call it off. i was going to do it in order to "fix" things, but i realized i would only hurt myself & lose more friends & gain nothing. it would just make me alone & unhappy. losing one more friends, because who are we kidding? this just one more attempt to get over someone else. i'm not a masochist, so why hurt myself for you pleasure then?

i will never understand why i put up my friendships, my relationships with my family & my best friends for you. had i not said anything, all of would be friends and living happily ever after. i could still be close to you & no one would judge me for how it hurt someone else. i just want to be friends. With you. With him. With everyone. I'm tired. I didn't think this would go so bad. Honestly, it's not. It was never going to be love. I know. I've known. I wish i listened to Tom. None of this was worth it. At all.

i don't think that at eighteen we should be faced with this much heartache in the course of a year. Losing john three times. My best friends. My potential best friends. what do i need to do to make things right with everyone?


i'm at the point where i'm done. and at this age, this young eighteen, we should never get to this point, feel this pain. at eighteen we should never see our friends feel so broken they need to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't have to turn to alcohol to cope. i shouldn't watch my friend be ostracize for being tricked & those tricksy boys. point is, at this age, being this young we should not being dealing with this & having to deal with everything else we deal with.


point is, i'm done.


bon soir mon petite chou. te me manque et je t'adore. always & forever. not that i even think i'll find you at this point...

alright.

you were right & i was wrong. i'll admit this was getting over someone & ass. :/ ah. it's too late to turn back now... what to do?

all of this awful shit started with one person: John Christopher Brady.


it's made worse by my overbearing nazi fuck tart parents.

special thanks to everyone who feels the awkward need to fuck my relationships up. you're fucking awesome.

A little bit of optimism

So, sitting here reflecting on my day & it's strange & amazing happenings I'm met with a bit of optimism to get me through all of this. I think back on how Danielle and I were, for what, a month, and compare it to how we are now and I just smile. Like i've said a thousand times, i'm glad we got over whatever was keeping us from being friends, because she's such a great person & an absolutely amazing friend. I wouldn't give up what we have as friends for anything in this world. Thinking about how great of friends we are now gives me hope for myself & Asia. I know that this whole thing has hurt her. I never meant for it to. At first i didn't even really think of her as part of this, but after our little phone call i can see where she comes into it all. I get one hundred and ten percent where she's at. I was there. I was in that whole mind set of "officially unofficial" or "together minus the title." Thanks to John I've learned that just because I think it & I think i know him & is intentions does not make it true. I can't even tell you the numerous things he did & said or just made me feel that made me feel we were more or less together, when in reality, we were far from it. I understand that horrible delusion all too well. And yes, it is a a delusion. It's a lie we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. It's probably worse for her because they decided to be mature & stay close. I guess in the craziest of aspects i owe it John to thank him for always making sure there was plenty of breathing room. Even if on the occasion it seems like too much space and being that far apart hurts, i suppose it would hurt more if i was still around you & watching you, wondering when it would get better. (So maybe John is being mature...?) We both seem, in time to get over it. Time heals all of the most ridiculous wounds we've inflected on each other. I don't think that guys see it how we do. I don't think they quite understand how we look at everything they do & ninety percent of the time as girls we over analyze the situation & will bend it to see what we want. It's exactly how a wife will blame 'the other woman' and give her cheating husband that same undying affection, even though, it's a two person game, and who says he didn't start the affair? So point being, i understand where she's coming from with everything she said because, i've been there. I understand that want & need to see it fixed. That like awful aching, that feeling like something died. Yeah, its a little melodramatic, but we are talking girls & matters of the heart with people we think we love. I'm not saying she doesn't love Moses or that i didn't love john, but this is the beginning. (: We're only just starting out in our lives. So many of us just graduated high school, or hang around a ton of kiddos still in high school. Nothing wrong with it. I'm part of that, but i can also see that there's so much more beyond this. This here now is nothing to the life, the journey we're all going on. I know it seems so fucking important right now to have that, but this is all so temporary. I mean, granted, there is always that chance you find 'the one' right now & it works, but for me & john, for moses & asia, i don't think that's true. It's heartbreaking, but true. That sounds so harsh & the words of a true cynic/realist, but i'd rather not look at the world through that naive haze of adolescence. I notice i'm drawn to the same people, or at least with the same situation. I keep finding girls who are going through or have gone through this same sort of thing. My only real solace concerning Asia is in knowing that in the end, once this blows over, once we figure out who's doing what & why, we'll probably end up great friends.

And rully quick, while i'm still thinking about it, i will never give Alicia shit for the situation between her, robert, & kristin. I see how that situation could go down & easily be misconstrued as something malicious & terrible. I used to think she was so naive & just blind to the whole thing, but i see that all the really matters is what's between Alicia & Robert. I understand that while one person can sit there & say what they're going to say to put that person down in front of you just to make you see what a horrible choice you've made. Reminding you that, 'he did it to me, what keeps him from doing the same to you'? But, it's not like that. I get that. I understand. And because i understand it now, i see that Alicia isn't naive, but just faithful & not stupid. She checked up on everything & never took anyone's words at their face value, & good for her. She's never looked so mature to me. Happy one year anniversary Alicia & Robert. While i may not like Robert, he's an amazing person & i respect him dearly.


I love you. <3

what to do, what to do.

calling this feeling anything else than utterly abandoned would be an understatement. i have literally been dropped by everyone. even shammy, thanks to something stupid, has stopped talking to me. tom is off with john i'm sure, and while moses talks to me, he's overly concerned with what everyone else has to say about this. I understand you want to keep the peace, but in this, do you really want to let everyone else govern your life. should i let other people govern mine?

although, i guess i do it anyway. what is this now? stubbornness. going after something because someone told me not to... i know i know. i'm retarded. i shouldhavelistenedtotom&shammy...

hm. i'm just really lost, and very few people seem to be acting like adults in this.

and im not even mad at you...

every time i have so much that needs to be said, i can't ever find the words.

i brought you over to my house that day to tell you how i feel about another person and why i felt that. i knew you weren't going to be happy about it, but i figured you'd get over it in time. I mean, we are friends, and in reality, we don't work as couple. we did at one point in time, but we both acknowledged that time as passed. I thought we were both okay with it. We sat there. You started playing WoW right after the conversation. You seemed like you could really care less about a relationship with me. I mean, and before you left, i felt like all you wanted was the nights in the pool and the sex. I didn't feel any love from you. I think you kissed me twice & called me baby once. I wanted something to still be there. I wanted something real to still happen. I didn't think i'd find someone like you ever. I tried. I really did. I thought if i just waited it out, you would find feelings for me again and me as your baby. You left for Europe without giving me any sort of promise of being mine, or anything like that. I knew your weren't going to want me. I wrote that note trying to find out what we are & where we stand. If you read & and said, i want you, then i was yours, but if you came home and said no, i knew that was the end of an us forever. I wasn't okay with it at first. I was terrified. I was drinking just to forget. And then, by the end of that week i was calm. I was okay with it. I had this talk with Suzie that made me think, do i really, honestly want to risk everything i hold dear now for one more attempt at a fail relationship? At first i sat there & defended us. I said, "we're not risking a friendship if the relationship works this time." Yeah, but what says it will work? Who says the reasons we broke up were the only ones. Plus, in three years, are we really still having the same major issues occur and reoccur? Yes. And, this is totally excluding the nazi household deal & high school. We've changed situationally. I've changed. I changed for you. I changed the situation for you. I rearranged my life for you. I even tried getting over you for you. I don't know what else i can do for you. But that's really all aside the point. By the end of that first week you were gone, i was okay with whatever you were going to say & i started to let myself go & just dgaf about everything else & have fun till you got home. (: Knowing that i needed some bomb stories to tell you when you got home i had to go make some. Moses gave me his number the night you were packing. I was driving alicia home & texting him. To tell you the truth, i liked him way before. I liked him in April, if not even before that. But i didn't know him. He had a girlfriend. And honestly, why would he ever like me? So i never gave that more than two seconds of thought. I was honestly surprised he was talking to me, let alone gave me his number & told me to text him sometime. I did. We would talk randomly, about random things. One night i'm just bored out of my mind, i tell him. He invites me over. I sit there awkwardly smoking hookah with people i don't know. It was the weirdest thing eever. But really nice, none the less. He walks me out, hugs me, says text me when you're home. One text. "you're cute" I was in total shock & straight up disbelief. I let it go. As the two weeks went by we talked more, hung out more. I slept over at his place. We sat in silence for hours. Somehow, we're talking about relationships. I talked about you, naturally. How i don't know what to think about you. I'm not stupid. I know you were leading me on before you left. I don't even know if i want to be with you anymore. Do i miss you or the relationship? I told him, i think i like someone else. He turned to me and just says, "im attracted to you" moses, i like you too. We kissed & i spent the night in his arms. I was willing to pretend it didn't happen. Say we had been drinking & forget about it. But every time i saw him we kissed. Or wanted to. It was so amazing finding someone i have legit feelings for. I mean, for the first time in a long time. He's everything i liked in you & more. (: He makes me really happy & i love spending time with him. He makes me smile just thinking about him. I mean, i knew i should tell you. I didn't know how. I knew you wouldn't be thrilled about it. I decided to wait & see where things were going with him before i break it to you. I decided, to tell you that weekend. You kept blowing me off. And i knew you knew there was something going on. You're not stupid. I had a feeling you already knew what that conversation was going to entail. I mean you refused to sit down & then once i said "i like him" you ran off. I tried dragging you back. You refused to listen to anything. I wanted to tell you that i love you always, but moses makes me happy. I don't know what we are, what we'll be, but i do enjoy my time with him. And i feel, that if you're my friend, you should want me to be happy, regardless of who it's with. I mean, we can't help who we like, or who likes us. I wasn't asking permission, but i wanted to be the one to tell you & i wanted to see how you felt about it. You said, "i'm not mad that you like him, but that i'm not getting my space" I was always going to give you space. And i wasn't trying to be in it by being friends with the band either. i mean, i understand that yes, this is your life, i get that, but i mean i wasn't trying to impose on your space or your friends. I mean, they actually like or liked me. I didn't bother any of them for their numbers. Most of them started talking to me for whatever reason, and i like them. I like being around them. Why you think of this as something vindictive is totally beyond me. And it hurts me to think that you think i would actually purposely try & hurt you. The fact you tell them you love me so much & the turn around & refuse to talk to me and call me poison is just...wow. You don't love me. So stop telling people you do. If you wanted things to work so badly, you would make them. I know you. So i'm just sort of sitting back here laughing at how angry you are with me for telling you the truth. I thought at least after three years you'd want to hear the truth about how i feel. Oh well. The irony is too sweet with you.


in one week i'm asking for my things back. let me suck the poison out of your life myself love. mind you, intend to stay good friends with everyone. I will be at shows. I will get tickets for me & friends. Just because i'm out of your life doesn't mean i have to end my own.

ten dollars says no asks me how i feel about this.

I'd like to say after three years of being with a person i know them well. It turns out i do & i wish i didn't. I wish he would grow up & prove me wrong. He always sits there and says, "look how much i've done for you? look how much is changed. what have you done for me?!" I don't think i can think of a single thing he's done to "change" himself, or his life for me. I mean, he hasn't changed at all from the day i met him, except maybe, become a complete selfish asshole. And honestly, what haven't i changed for you John? I mean, do you see how different my life is? Do you see all the things i can do now? Not even that, but i didn't change me for me, i changed me for you. I let go of my pride. I admit when i'm wrong. I don't fight anymore. Do you even understand how hard it is to change that for me? And you know, i knew in the end of it, we wouldn't really have a shot at this again, just because you care what everyone around you has to say about your life. You feel the need to have everyone's opinions weigh in on something that is solely your decision. Fuck it. you're 20 next month. Act like it. Stop with your high school bullshit & get over yourself. You honestly haven't changed & still don't take how i feel into consideration. Then you spread this around, let everyone hear it, let everyone get involved, and you still wont talk to me about it. i mean the one person you should be talking to. If you honestly loved me, honestly respected me, you would sit down, like an adult & talk to me. Not storm off ever ten seconds. You even admitted to Tom you were immature, therefore you owe one mature conversation. Especially since, i'm still waiting to hear what you have to say about the break up. Remember how you said we would talk? Remember how i waited? Couple hours turned into a couple days, couple days turned into a couple weeks, then 4 months. Yeah, you're real mature. And now, you won't talk to him either? Or at least not if i'll be there or there will be any sort of paths crossing between us. You're a fucking joke.

relieved?

he said no.


but i love him.

no. time to get over it. i decided to move on. it will be done.

two weeks

so much has happened in the last two weeks. i'm not even sure how to approach you anymore. i don't even know if i should bring it up at all. i know i should be straight forward with you and right out demand to know what we are & what we're doing. i just can't because i don't know what i want to hear from you anymore. i'm terrified of being with you. so several reasons. and now i don't want you to come back and wrap me in your arms. i was being hasty. i was trying to see all those things i saw back in the day. i thought if i got you here at night to jump in the pool butt nekkid, you should remember how out right random and daring i am. i thought if i wrote you notes & made you cookies & presents for your trip that you would remember how sweet and caring i am. i thought if i sent you pictures & gave you notes about that weekend that you would see that girl you fell in love with. i'm thinking, well, i know, that a part of why i wanted, want, fuck i don't know, but i was afraid that all of those qualities i saw in you i'd never see again. that i would never find a big viking, in a band, with long hair, and yet the sweetest personality ever. i never thought i'd find you and more in someone. a lot can happen in two weeks. a lot of thinking and changing can happen. i was so scared that you would come back from two weeks in europe, where the greatest thinkers and philosophers have lived, where you're out there experiencing something incredible, i was afraid you would come back a different person and not want me. now i'm afraid you do want me. two weeks ago, i would say throw caution to the wind & fuck the friendship let's just go for it. in two weeks i've gotten to know moses, chad, chase, nate, asia, and i would hate to lose that if we ended things poorly. i never want to go through all of that again. i don't want to go through four months of not having you as a friend, not having tommy, alicia, nate, chase, moses, chad, asia, any of them. i've never been scared about us like this. i don't want to just say fuck it & go for it anymore. i mean, for the first time i'm actually thinking this through & being an adult. i don't even know why. in the last two weeks i've done things that have surprised me so much. paris telling me she likes you. wow. normally i would have jumped across that table and killed her. but i sat there & said, "paris, go for it" with a smile. i offered to help her win you over!! what is this? i'm not being protective of you. i don't know why! i don't know if it's because i've managed to condition myself into believing you're really going to say no or if it's because i don't have that feeling anymore. i am so close to praying that you come home & straight up reject me so i don't have to put everything out there & risk what we have now. i don't even know how i'm going to explain to you how i need to think & how i want to put off a relationship with you. i want to know that all those reasons we discussed before are actually taken care of. i mean, if those were legit reason before, what happened in two weeks that changed the fact you haven't gone out & been with other people/ the fears of your family & friends. dedication to the band? money? school? i don't want to jump into this whole thing again just to lose you & so many more friends now. not even just that, but i cried for three weeks after we broke up. i'm not all that willing to put myself out there anymore. not to mention, you've already straight up denied everything once this summer. i'm tired of trying to impress you, of trying to remind you, convince you of why we loved each other in the first place. i don't want to try & charm you into a relationship by reminding you of what we were. i don't want to influence you into doing something you're not or we're not ready for. i want to do right by both of us, but i have no idea what that is. and while whatever weird feelings i have for moday are, they're not really a factor. i don't know him well enough to actually consider something real. not to mention, i don't know his feelings on the whole thing. i am curious. what would that be like. what could that become? i mean, everything happens for a reason. everything we do is mapped out before we do. there are reasons for everything we think & say & do. if things haven't happened the way they have, i would not be who i am right now. maybe everything with ryan brought me to john & i needed john to be with me through high school 7 help sort of mold who i am. i mean, i know without him i wouldn't be who i am right now. maybe john & i are really done, maybe i needed john to bring me here to moday. i don't know. you come home today. maybe i think and feel all of this because you're gone. i really honestly just don't know how to go about everything. do i bring it up? wait for you to bring it up? never say a word & move on?


god damn it.

pretty girl

I forget sometime that in order to come across as beautiful to other people you need to see your self as beautiful & exude that confidence. Moses said something so odd to me, but when i think about it, he's right. Then of course, my navy boy Brandon, gleaming in his uniform told me "you're so hot here sweetie." I love him. I feel great. And i look great. Imma be hella cute for penguin when he gets back. <3

fucked

i know. in the pit of my stomach that he wont want me when he comes home. i should just get over it now. especially with what moses said.

he's really nice. i appreciate him being here & telling me the straight truth. unlike the rest of world. he actually cares about me. he reminds me so much of john. (: just brown.


give it a chance maybe?? Paris thinks i should. Maybe i will.

this will be

THE SLOWEST TWO WEEKS EVER!!

D:

i wish i knew how to make my background zebra on here & on freaking twitter.


why must i be so challenged with this stuff?!

eff my life

You've become my best friend again in a matter of seconds. Of course, now that you're gone i'm lonely as fuck & i don't know what to do. Why did i have to fall you even more than before?



Seriously?


eff my life.


but i love you & wouldn't change it. ever.

Music is my Life

So i got this text earlier this week from Danielle that reminded me why i do, what i do. Why i listen to what i listen to sort of moment. So, i guess i should start by saying, if it weren't for Schola, i don't think i would have ever spoken more that five words to Danielle Fazio. Not for any reason aside from we're just two very different people. But here's reason number one. Choir brings the weirdest of people together. The mix of social circles that room has seen is amazing. What's even better about though is that, we've never divided the room or choir according to social norms applied outside those four walls. It's not even Danielle either. In life outside that room i don't think i would know john. Like wow, right? Anyway, Danielle's party was friday. I got her jewelry, but it's not here, so i made her a mix cd. If i remember correctly the cd started with imogen heap, went to dear & the headlights, snow patrol, killswitch engage, kamelot, deftones, and ended with choir music. The whole thing was hit & miss, she'd either love it or hate it. She texted me saturday, odly enough while i was in the middle of a conversation about art & it's place today. Anyway, the text read something to effect of "i totally love it. thanks" I sat there TOTALLY awestruck. This girl. With her coach purse. Her itallian tan. Her cute little VW Bug. Perfect outfits everyday. She just texted me "i love it" To Killswitch. Deftones. Kamelot. Opeth. What?! I told her i think i've cried to every song on that cd and Cherry Waves is the song for me & john. She said she felt nice getting that insight into my life. I seriously was like, "wow, really? really?"


Metal is beautiful. It's deep. You sort of need to look for it. It's not like other music where the beauty is laid out for you in simple & sweet chords with their "iloveyoujesus" lyrics. There are no sweet cliches. There are no pictures painted of beautiful love scenes or the average teenage scenes of concerts & summer's first love. None of that. Metal is more mature almost in a sense. It's deeper subjects. Tool, if you've ever wandered across their lyrics, you'll find some crazy philosophical thoughts within their stoner named songs. "Rosetta Stoned." You learn another language in more than one way with that song. Metal is high energy. You see & feel the emotion & energy just reverberate through the speakers & it just gets to you. While metal is kind of scary at some points, the scariest are actually the sweetest & most provocative & serious. They are songs about love & loss, religion, death, heartache, stories of what we wish we were and how we hate who are. Which is deeper than any romeo & juliet love song i've come across that you find in pop music.

Basically, i'm glad to find how universal metal is. When given to the right kind of people, it does amazing things. I'm glad to see Danielle is sart enough & artistic & deep enough to find metal's beauty & relevance to her own world. I really do hope to see her with the gang at the next blackened skies show. I feel really good about my music collection when i've introduced the last person i would ever think to enjoy metal into this genre & to find they really do like it. Like i just feel good & i'm proud to take her to the next show & show her off as the newest edition to our metal group. Mind you, i don't see her hitting up slaughter or spazzing when the new cd comes out, but the fact that she enjoys even the tamest of the tame makes me feel fantastic & validated in our music. <3 It's funny, because i thought casey, with all of his ap classes would sit there & really love & understand metal. Oh how i was wrong. (: I'm glad at least Danielle is smart enough, deep enough, whatever to understand metal. And that right there is why she's too good for Casey (:


God, i could go on about music forever, but i won't!!

and no, i change my mind, letting you read this would be worse. here's where out secrets begin

No really. I just want to this to go down how they did it and pull the whole happily ever after out. Like i just want to say fuck what everyone, just no, fuck them. Really? Let someone else, let what they, let what you think about me effect how i live my life. Yeah, not going to happen. I know what i want. Probably for the first time ever. I know who i am, again probably for the first time. I don't care what someone else has to say about me. People talk shit about other people for a lack of what they have. Well, more often then not, that's what i've seen & experienced. Mind you, yeah, everyone talks for some reason, that may not be theirs. Either way, i rully dun care. I guess in standing there, in saying what i said, in saying what you said, i'd hope you'd listen to that part that says fuck it, i love you & roll with it. I under stand where you're coming from with everything you said. Yeah, i got there & experienced life independent away from you. I attempted other relationships. Mind you, only because i needed to get over you. I hurt way too much for too long already. I had, still have a life of importance to live & i don't want to waste it on tears like that. I was hurt & i thought getting a new someone would help me think less about the old someone. Instead all it did was remind of you. everything anyone did, i would over reminisce you & the things you did. If i would have known that there would ever even be a possibility i don't know if i would have even tried. I didn't need the assholes or the failed attempt to tell me i love you. But i suppose it wouldn't be true Lauren & Alyssa style if there wasn't that hint of regret for s stupid thing. I know there are people on both sides who are going to be rather upset at both of us if we were to just pull this Lauren & Alyssa & roll with it, but it wouldn't be full on L & A if it wasn't like that. But we learned with them, while there will be those who throw their hands up at you & get fed up, the true friends are the ones who are filled with the same horrible excitement & agonizing fear as you are.

Like, if i know Lauren, or any of the people i consider my best & closest friends they're sitting there scared & yet crossing their fingers for the best. I know because they're my best friends they want what's going to make me happy no matter what. They wouldn't be my best friends if they didn't have my best interest in mind i suppose. I know, that they know our past. And, no lie, with our past carries plenty of worry for everyone, so naturally they're worried sick about my heart & my feelings through all of this. Even through the scurriness & precautions they are holding their breath like no other hoping for the best.



i think lauren & alyssa are at six months. if not totally beyond that.

i don't even think they remember breaking up. They don't hold a single transgression against the other after saying "fuck it, i love you." i don't even think they honestly remember or count anything before kissing each other & calling it a day. which is astounding. they have the most amazing relationship i think i've ever seen. they're best friends & so much more. there are no secrets, unless they're surprises & even then, one of them will crack before it's time. They have a healthy balance of friendship & intimacy in their lives & they've also found that perfect middle ground of independence & codependence. They make a point to save a day at least for each other & let the little fights slide more often then not. all they ever want to do is be together & cherish & appreciate that person for who they are, faults & perfections in all, oh yes & OCD cleaning habits (: i've literally said this since day one of you two, "i want that, but just with a boy."


i hope it's with this one particular boy though. i hope with basically everything i can hope with he picks me all over again, and for the last time, because i promise you with everything i am, everything i have to offer, i will never settle for anything less than what lauren & alyssa have.


thank you two for being in my life & providing me with something great & wonderful to achieve in my own life. you're the best friend i could ever ask for (aside from my tommy of course.) :D

i'm going to rully try & sleep now.

regrets

i can't say i have too many to tell you the truth. maybe dating the people (well, person) i have out of late. like, that was stupid. I suppose because i wanted myself to be over you. And i thought I was. I guess, i don't know. Even Tommy said to just "move on." Honestly, if i would have known tonight was going to happen & i don't think i'd ever stick myself the the jackasses i've been around. To tell you the truth, while you may be the biggest & scurriest looking i guy i know, hands down you're the sweetest most lovable, most sincere of them all. I've never known or think i'll ever know someone with a spirit like yours. It's filled with so much love & spirit for music. Seeing you fills me with this warmness i can't even begin to describe & when we talk about music i fall in love with it & with you all over again. I would have not have wasted my time with other people if i knew you'd be waiting at the end of all of this still. I didn't have to date other people in order to find who i am, or find out that, hey, i effing love you. I could have told you that three years ago when i was fifteen, standing out scared & excited as you, in your most timid voice asked me to be yours. I want to make it fours years this october. Forget those other people. They don't even matter. They never even left a mark on our lives. They were nothing special to either of considering how we don't even care throwing them aside. I couldn't believe it as you sat there with her on the phone tell her how you love me, always & forever. I would do the same for you, all day, every day.


I hope that in being that honest with you that it made the difference. That it said something to you. That it makes you think. Maybe saying all of that tonight it was premature, but i'm tired of having this big thing i want to say, or do, or just effing fix & doing nothing about it. I hope that when you do think about it you end up where i have. I hope that in that fact you still love me like you say you do that you forget everything else, look past our past & just pull a lauren & alyssa right here & now.

p.s. penguin, i wear that bracelet all the time. my hammer almost never comes off. i sleep with my baby lion every night. i was sad you gave me my necklace back. i was happy to see you kept lana doll. i still love you with everything i am. i want you to be my penguin, forever and i want to be yours, forever.

oh the places we'll go

today was the last day of choir i will ever experience in high school. it was very bitter sweet sitting on the floor cross-legged, tissues in hand crying with my best friend, tommy. it's hard to look at that room & not cry knowing what i'm leaving behind. that room, is not just a room to me. which is why i hate it when people disrespect choir, that room, or music in any way, shape or form. four years ago i came to hamilton not knowing a soul. first day of school i walked into that room and was instantly surrounded by people who wanted to be my friend. Jason & Kyle were two of the first. I can't even tell you what they've done for me. Kyle is who i've looked up to as an officer for the last four years. He was always so amazing & supportive, as an officer, as a friend, and just as a person. He wrote in my yearbook, "don't ever change & watch after mrs evans," haven't missed a beat since.

Jason, god Jason, where do i even start with you? We had our sophomoric romance for that short period of time, and regardless of it's odd ending we're still close. Not that i even thought that would keep us apart, know you. Jason has been here with me through so much. I've been stupid. Really stupid. I've done & said stupid things. Aaand then i've continued to do stupid things even after i've acknowledged i'm wrong, but continued on just to save my pride. Through it all, even after i've lost everyone else, i still had Jason. Even our worst moments weren't all that bad. I can't say i've stayed close with too many people through all four years of high school. And i mean, day one to day... whatever tomorrow is. Through ridiculous and amazing highs to the lowest of the lows, he's held my hand. I don't think words can describe how i feel for him. Well, three words are pretty good for this one i suppose. I love you. Yet, somehow, it's still not enough.

That room, brought me to Talyah. While she turned out to not be the best of friends a person could have, she still taught me so much. I loved every horribly, wonderful minute of our friendship. While we ended on a terrible note & an even more terrible falling out. I truly do miss you. I miss how we were. I miss my sister. I miss someone looking out for me. Even through a lot of the horrible things that went down between us, i can't bring myself to regret one second of it. I ended up learning so much from you & our friendship. I ended up learning a lot about myself & because of you i became part of a family.

Which brings me to my brother, who i also met in that room. Actually, at a party at kyle's house. But we grew closer in our lunches sitting in that hallway. Sol & schola was amazing with him. Evan saved my life from a terrible relationship. He taught me how to be strong. He taught me what it means to be a fighter & a survivor. Because of Evan i can literally face anything & confidence. I guess knowing he'll always be there to back me up helps a ton too. You know, even though Evan & i have had our spats, somehow, in the end we look past it & remember why we're brother & sister. Not to mention, because of him i ended up finding the courage to say yes to John.

Dear god. The choir room has shown me love & sanctuary in so many ways. John Christopher Brady. You will always be the love of my life. Even now. I have a strong feeling we'll end up together. No doubt, it's because of that room & the love we both have for music that keeps us falling for each other. He had me when you held me & sang "Star of the County Down." His voice was shaky & filled with fear, yet there was so much sincere love in it. I couldn't help falling in love with him. Our year in schola together was the greatest year of my life. Sitting next to him. Singing my heart out. What's a better way to spend my day? Boston will always be ours. Disneyland will always be our special place for each other. Without that room, we may have never been able to have those night under the stars, forever embracing each other, deftones playing our song softly. I will always love you. I hope it's in our stars that we get back together. i still feel like we have more to do. There is so much more i have to say to you. It's too bad i can't find all the words. Good thing is we're not done.

Oh tommy monster. where has time gone? I feel like these two years of friendship have been so much more, so much longer. I couldn't imagine myself sharing this year with anyone but you. You have quickly become my best friend. You have held my hand & been my rock through so much. You've touched me in so many ways & helped me through things i never thought i could go to you for. You're such a caring person & like so many other choir vikings i've met you're soul is nothing like the crazy spirit you front to the world. You're my best friend. Hands down. I love how i can just show up at your house & walk in like i live there. I'm glad i'm some one you feel you can turn to in your times of need. I'm glad you asked me to sit there & cry with you. I'm glad you let me in, you invite me in. I'm hoping me sitting on the couch crying with you & snuggling up to you made you feel more human again when you couldn't feel much of anything. I wish i could take all your pain away love. I know i can handle it because i have you. Tommy, this year has been so much more than what i would have imagined at the beginning & it's all because of you. My feast partner, my best friend, my sol mate. I won't even sit here & go back over the memories we've shared only because we're not even close to being finished making them.

Alicia, my dearest & other bestest friend, i met you through your boyfriend, who i met through mine. Goodness me, what a friendship this has been. Quite the spunky child you are. (: I really thought alicia was a total homewrecker at first. I've never been so happy to be proven wrong. The choir room, and music really has been known to teach that judgement is stupid. No one is what they look like, because they're usually so much more amazing. Which is exactly how alicia is. She's just amazing & has been another one of those people who have taught me to live life with a strong conviction & even stronger heart. She's so kind & caring & i love her forgiving spirit & just how open we are with each other. I love how we can be so mean but with so much love in every punch to the boob. She's shown me what real best friends do. She's kept my spirits high all year. I don't think i could have made it through disneyland without her. Plus, the party she threw for me was just...breath taking. The fact she went through so much for me made my cry. She's quite literally held my hand through everything this year. Every fight, every break-up or break-up like moment, she was on the phone with me day or night for however long i needed her, and even at some points tell her Robert to fuck off. <3

Oh Robert, you've been such an ass, and yet somehow one of my greatest friends just because i know after that concert, when alicia was out there holding my hand as i cried on her shoulder, you came out & said you were proud of me & i had done the right thing. I've always loved you dearly even when you're making fun of me for whatever reason you can think of. (: Thank god i'm over trying to figure you out. You've always been the straight forward ass & it's actually, truthfully, helped me a lot in some ways. You tell it how it is, and yet i know that even through the harsh words you're one of the kindest people i know.

The choir room is an amazing, wonderful & always changing place. This year, that room brought me to friends i would have never expected to make. Danielle, you're probably one of the sweetest girls i've had the pleasure to know. You're as sweet as you are beautiful. I sincerely regret not getting to know you better, but thank god you're going to ASU because now we can work on making some wonderful college memories. I hate how we let high school interfere in what could potentially be an absolutely amazing friendship, but at least we have it all down now. I adore your spirit & love smile & how it just brightens the room. (: Thank god for choir. I'm so glad we had a chance to enjoy schola together & had that time in Cali as a group. You're a gorgeous person, inside & out.

I know there's more, but through these tears i can't bring myself to say much more than i love you all.

that final was the hardest test i've ever taken.

eff my life

i had planned to write about my amazing day yesterday, but her face. Her face calling him "gorgeous." Bitch. step off. look i took him from you once. I dare you to try me again. FYI. valkyries are ugly... god damn. i wish i could tell john to tell her eff off again. because really, i can tell you what she'll be a hindrance. i'm not the jealous type, but i don't trust her talking to him.


you know, an extended break up will teach you many things. i spent most of yesterday in your arms and oh how i've missed them. i still fit in your hugs like they were made fore me. Your eyes, that deep blue. Your face, your oh so irish face, with your irish features, just like mine. Our histories are so intertwined. How could we not be perfect for each other. The one thing i'm still missing is that sweet, sweet taste of your lips on mine. I'm tired of being over you. I'm done with being "moved on." I still love you. We still fit. The way you said, "i miss you. i love you," that tells me i know you're feeling it too. But question is, are either of us strong enough, willing enough to take that giant jump into the other? I want to ask you to forget the past & look forward to the bright future, but can you take my hand & say yes. Oh my.

i think because i'm so pissed off about her that i've spoiled what i wanted to say about you. i should stop writing until i'm able to get over her stupid face.

april 26th & the vurry last xanga ever written

i've kept every note you've ever written me. i've kept them in a box and not have i even once thought of destroying what we are, what we were. i can't keep myself from thinking about you. i really want to just stop loving you so this all goes away. i thought i was okay. i thought i was over you. seeing you on that stage last night made me want to cry. and i did. i just couldn't help but think how amazing you look and how i want to just take you home and be in your arms. i've tried to forget. i really have. i didn't put up a huge fight when shammy deleted you out of my life. i'm trying to find someone else to fill your space so i can forget. i want to. no. no, i really don't. you said, you'll find someone better. nope. i won't i've been looking. i really have been. the boys i've come across are sweet. they're cute, but not my type in looks. they're smart. they like music, sort of. we can talk. but they're not you. i don't even know what else to say...

god. lauren & i had this conversation about the notes we would write each other. i told her i saved them. they were all right next to yours. i opened all of them penguin. you wrote me a letter for everyday you were gone with sol. you drew me our penguin, gave him hats and scarves. you drew me a cute little dino with a candycane. you drew me flowers & lions. you wrote words i'll never forget. you were amazing and sincere. you were perfect. you are perfect. god, looking up at you just hurt. i want you. i want you to hold me & kiss me. i'm not over you. how could i ever? i love you. always.

fuck my life. i want to do the right thing damn it.

March 21st

I've been thinking about fate a lot. Like it was fate for me to meet John when i did. I feel like we're connected with weird ways that i've never had with others before. I feel like it's fate i became such good friends with Shammy when i did because of her i've made so many positive life style changes. I think it's fate breaking up with John when we did. I think it's fate that i've met all the people i've met, when i've met them since the break up. I think it's fate i've learn the things about myself from the new friends i've made. Like, meeting Derek and spending time with has taught me a lot. This last week or so a strange conversation that wasn't meant to express changes made ended up being about these new life i feel i've found. And now that i've thought about it, with out trying things have really changed. After i thought about it i had a conversation with Shammy. Honestly, I have made some changes. I'm really happy with them. I used to find consistency within John, with having him around and a huge part of my life for so long. The last two and a half years i spent it around John, basing it off of John, around him. He's amazing, but that was awful and unhealthy to an extreme. As of recently i've begun keeping a journal daily and devoting an hour to reading of all sorts. Bible. Chuck. Some book shammy gave me (; I've begun to look forward to things that are going to be here forever no matter what. Music. Jesus. My family. Books. It makes me feel safe, the same way John always did, but better. I never have to worry or pressure them to be there for me. They just are. inanimate & intangible, totally, but i talk to my laptop & cd player. Inanimate has never bothered before. I find comfort in knowing that my music will always be here; all day, everyday. Jesus will love me unconditionally. And books will always be here to teach me things, make me laugh, make me cry, help me through everything & make me feel not so alone. It's amazing, not that John wasn't amazing, but i know leaning on him like that put so much strain where it wasn't needed. Aside from that, but i feel very strong, like i've survived something and nothing else can hurt me. I'm strengthened through my dear friends Shammy, Kristen, Tommy, & Jason. Oh, what would i do without you. <3 You know, every time John & i break up i am thrown into this horrible... just it's not good. Ever since this last break though i feel invigorated and strong, like i can really do anything. Spending time with derek, getting close to him has been amazing. I've become attached to him. He left for Florida. One week gone. I missed him. I wish i could see him, but i wasn't destroyed. I was ever just as happy before he left. I called him & left a message to say i hope you have fun & i wish you well. That was all. I feel good. I feel strong. I'm not overly dependent on him, or anyone. So i'm not a hassle to them like i was with John. I would constantly text him & spazz when i didn't hear from him, always thinking the worst too. I don't even know what "the worst" was, but clearly nothing happy. (: Whenever there was a problem between the two of us i let it devour my life. It affected my mood. I was so sad and couldn't do anything & then would never do anything to rectify the issue. Now, i don't have problems, but if i did i'd attack the sucker head on fools ;D Aside from just being happy and dependent on myself, not allowing others & issues with people to affect my happiness and who i am i'm making more friends. I'm happy. So since i am happy & single & quite care free, i go out more. I make new friends & have the craziest times. I feel hella daring. I STOLE A STREET SIGN & PUT IT IN AN OLD MAN'S BACKYARD WITH SHAMMY!! It was awesome! Speaking of daring though, as shammy pointed out i'm so much MORE up front with everything. I told off my parents & now i have a life. This spring break was the best i've ever had. I've gone out every day. My curfew, nearly non existent. I was with tom, i said i'd be home at 6 i came home at 8. (: Shammy & i were at the mall. Out of now where i call, "is it fine if i get lunch & go to casey's for an hour or so?" and i did. Shammy is allowed to come & go as she pleases. Derek just randomly shows up at my house & no one cares. They let me do things. Oh, is it grand. (: And i've come to find, i don't give a damn what anyone thinks, ever. Not even my parents. I know in school i'm trying my best. If i get a C that means i didn't understand something & i need work, but i did my best. You know, i'm not a bad child. I don't do drugs, i don't drink, i don't do anything stupid. I'm a good kid. I take AP classes because i enjoy the challenge. If i try hard, who cares? I know it's stupid, but i used to care a lot about what my friends thought of me. Make up. Hair. clothes. Everything. I don't give a flying fuck now. (: I'm more open & straight forward with EVERYONE. The only person i'm not MORE straight forward with is Shammy, and that's because i'm already overly open with her. I've been telling everyone everything. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. Silly, depressing, random, horrible, amazing. The things i would normally never let leave my lips till it was too late, all out in the open. The things i would be to afraid to tell to John, the things i was afraid to let in the open, the things i would wait on & let fester in my mind till it's too late and more than i can handle, i let those monsters out right away. (: haha. I feel good about it. I feel good letting everyone know. I know we broke up for a reason. I mean, as Shammy says everything happens for a reason. I honestly think this happened because the progression of time since we broke up, the things that have happened, the things i've heard or i've witnessed in that time has made me realize a few things that i needed to see. First, i hate this ridiculous cycle we have that everyone points out. Hi. (: I'm not retarded. I see it too. I hate it. I sit there and say i say to Shammy how i hate that it repeats and it never seems to end. I want an end to it. So when i came to my senses I decided to listen to his friend and get over him, or try to. I understand now that we need to, well at the very least, i need to mature. There were so many times, so many incidences, fights, all out brawls that could have been avoided if i would have dropped my selfish insecurities and thought about John, the love of my life, things would have been different. Of course, i only realize this now, after it matters, after it's too late to do anything. It took me awhile to understand that two people could grow apart, like away from each other, not from each other & have it be beneficial to the relationship. You know, i honestly want to stop this stupid cycle. You know, i this is the first time i've ever decided to take a step back and take a long serious look at this. I'm tired of the temporary fixes. I want something permeant. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the high school relationship. I want, wanted a real relationship that would turn into something real that would go beyond high school. John is my first true love. I love him dearly. I want, wanted him forever. I understand that won't happen. I mean his friends have made it clear i should move on, of which i am trying to. Promise. I've been sort of seeing people. Hanging out with other guys who i'm not 100% sure how i feel about them. There is one thing or another about them i enjoy, but no one is you. I want to be friends with him. That's all i've wanted ever since we broke up. You know i'm not looking for a relationship. With anyone. I'm kind of just going along testing waters. Honestly, seeing other people has made me appreciate what i had with him. I miss him dearly. I know we can't be together, but i want him as a friend at least. And if something ended up happening later on down the road... maybe it would work with all the time that has past & with all the growing we've done. You know? I want to build a better friendship with him. I do hope for a relationship, a chance to make everything right. A chance for that ideal relationship we always talked about and hoped for. It's odd. I know we could have it, in the sense that it's available to us now. Or to me & whomever i'm with. It's so ironic, but amazing.

I didn't intend for this to turn into something about John. (: Haha. It's just that the whole reason this got brought up was because of him and messages back and fourth between Robert & i really. Oh well, I WAS writing because i'm rather proud of myself and the progress i've mad personally within my life. The changes i've made i made without thinking about them i suppose. I never set out to find consistency in music or god or books or journals. Even though i should have in the first place, i didn't. You would think i would have given my life to music a long time ago, and i thought i had, but i really have now. I find more peace & comfort in music now than i ever have before. (: I didn't sit there & say i'm going to be "straight forward" with people & my parents & change how i look at relationships. It just happened because i was angry and upset with how my life was. I did something little because i hated how i was living my life. It was never to fullest, and honestly now it is and i'm so freaking happy. <3

I'm so thankful for everything. I'm trying to move on from all this petty high school drama. (: I want a more mature, fulfilled happy life and i want all of you in it! <3


Part 2 of this daaay (:

So this break up has been the single most amazing thing ever to happen to self esteem. Now that i'm single people i haven't said more than five words to in the last 3 years are tell me how they like me and they've always thought i was beautiful. I'm not complaining at all. I feel really good about myself though. I want to attribute some of this to the changes i've made to my life, hopefully it makes me a more attractive person, personality wise. (: Anyway, it's weird that all the boys like me now, but i feel good about it. You getting compliments like i have been. It's really nice. I'm worried becuase i'm not sure what to do. Like i've never really had to deal with turning people down before this, but i dunno. Haha. (:

I'm seventeen, single, and fabulous.

Come & get me.

March 19th

i hate those fucking pictures because i hate your fucking face & remembering those stupid fucking kisses.



of course this is because i miss them all terribly.

oh i'm angry with you! i'm so upset with you i want to punch you! I want to just sit in your arms and cry. I love you. I want...so much. Why can't i take all of it back? I wish i could take everything i have now & go back six months & just redo all of that. I want to fix it. I know what happened. I know what needs to be said instead of those hateful & hurtful words. I miss you. Everything about you. Why don't you miss me too. If we both missed each other at least i'd have you in that sense. Ugh. I want to know why. It's not even fair. i hate this. I just want to feel you next to me again. you know penguin, i've done something every day this break. i wanted all of it to be with you. i hate to even say it out loud where someone can fucking see it, but when i went out with derek to see watchmen i fucking thought of you. The whole fucking time. We were supposed to see it together. I hate you. I hate you. D:

asdfghjkl.

i want you to hold me & tell me you love me. i want to forget about our past and start over. <3

i hate this.

Feb 20th

Hanging out with Evan today made me realize that John and i are done forever, if not just for now. I sat there crying on his shoulder asking the unavoidable question of, "what did i do wrong?" He replied, "you didn't. He's stupid. He made promises he couldn't keep." Obviously, but what were those. "He didn't realize how long forever is." I wonder what i did to deserve this sometime. I gave him everything I am, my heart, my soul, my body; all i get in return are broken promises. I'm horrible too. I try so hard to forget & to move on, but it's hard when our life is here. I had to drive right past John in order to get to Evan's house. I always wonder if i'll run into John when i go get sushi. I wonder walking to choir if i'll bump into him leaving. It's hard to just forget your life. I've had to separate myself from my friends. But at the same time, i feel this is right. I mean, i've reconnected with everyone i stopped talking to because of John. Was it a bad relationship? Did we ever really love each other?


I suppose only time will tell at this point. This leans into my whole thoughts & feelings on how everything happens for a reason. Hm. I Have too many thoughts for today, but i can't get them all straight. It's driving me crazy. What am i to do? Should i take Evan's advice & give Derek a week to decide what we are? Or let time takes its own course? I want it all the take the course that leaves me from being hurt.


I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Feb 16th-- Senior Project

Four years. Seven minutes. Endless memories.

So, last night was a tearful one. Tears of complete & utter joy mind you. Jason, one of my oldest and dearest friends messaged me in shock to hear i'm single. It's been over a month. He was upset and worried, but most worried. I cried. I was so happy to hear he's worried. For some reason it surprised me, when really it shouldn't have been. I'm glad to hear that through all the time apart, physically & emotionally, we're still amazing friends. It's an amazing feeling. We talked for a while, a couple hours i guess. He said it looks like this was all for the best. I really think it is. I feel stronger. I can feel myself growing up a little. Even if it hurts, even if i want to lash out and cry when i look back at my life, even if i want to go back, i know it's all for the best. He says i've grown a lot. (: I'm glad he can see it. He said as much as he loved the cute little me, he loves the "sophisticated" one more.
Talking to him, i wondered how much i've hurt you, if i've hurt you at all. You know, i never wanted to. I never meant to. I love you. I always have and always will. I just can't be yours anymore my love. I'm someone else's right now, sort of. Not totally, but close enough. I don't want that to hurt you. I thought that was what you wanted. I thought you had someone else anyway. I still don't get why you won't talk to me. I'm not angry with you anymore. I promise. Please talk to me. I miss being your friend. You said forever. You said always. Why does any of this change it?! Penguin...
So aside from Jason, I called Talyah yesterday. It never ceases to amazing how distance means nothing. We both sat there and said our sorries for all the bullshit. It's so stupid between sisters. Jason was amused by how we still ignore everyone in the world for eachother. (: It doesn't surprise me. I don't think we ever really left each other. True friends are really always there, no matter what.
I'm glad i did this project the way i did it. Without it i wouldn't have cried over the things and people who never got tears. It's sad to see how people came and went in my life though. Ryan, Talyah, Evan, Nathan, Evan again (: John Brady. <3 I miss you. I really do. I want all of you (expect for ryan D:<) to come back to me. I miss how we were. I want us to still be.
John Christopher Brady. I will always love you. Please come find me when you're ready. I want to be yours how ever we can be. Even if we're just friends. Penguin <3

Feb 3rd-- "farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest."

So theses last week, have been so much worse than the last few months & the solace i can take is that the night is darkest just before the dawn. Hopefully, this is my dawn & i'm going to walk away a better, stronger person. I've decided to move forward. Not necessarily on, but just forward. So here is my farewell letter to a friend, or who i used to call lover dearest.

I'm glad you didn't call me monday. I don't think i could face you without tears streaming down my face. I don't even think i could talk to you right now becuase i'm in fear you're just going to say something to hurt me more. All i ever wanted was an explanation. I wasn't ever calling you to get you to be mine again. As i said before, i can't take care of you right now, let alone myself. I'm okay with being friends. In fact, i want that more than anything. I want to build a stronger relationship off of a string friendship. I thought maybe with less pressure to be perfect I could turn to you for comfort. You're the one who told me, let's be friends. You told me, you loved me. I thought everything would be okay. You confuse me now more than ever. I realize, i've done wrong. I shouldn't have called you and said all those nasty things. I was so hurt though that you took our promised & broke them, our sweet little something & erased them like they all meant nothing. From where i am standing this is what it looks like. Well, he dropped all of that fast. I guess it didn't mean as much to him as he said it did. Ouch. I said i was sorry. I gave my peace. What more can i do? Have i done something wrong? You're being awful cruel without a lot of cause or reason. If i've done something, i want you to tell me so i can understand and have a place to work off of. I've just been trying to be friends, but if you want me to go away, i can. In fact, if that's what you wanted from the beginning that's all you had to say. Look, i can accept it if i understand where it's all coming from. There is some much that is happening without any reason what so ever. I'm getting all sorts of mixed and fake answers from everyone. No one really knows what you're thinking or ay least they won't tell me. I can't know what to do if you don't tell me. If you're confused then say it. If you want me gone. Say it. I don't know what to do if you don't tell me, okay? BUt in reality, it's a little late now. I'm so hurt by you. What have I don't to deserve this? Don't i at least deserve answers for me. I hate this. I hate having to wait or chase after you. I shouldn't have to. If you want me, if you love me, i'm right here for the taking. If you don't then say something & leave me to grieve & move on. It's hard to hang on to something that may never grow into something amazing. It's so much false hope. I already feel like crap & talking to you just makes me feel worse because you say whatever you can to break my already dwindling spirit. And remember, this is just all from my perspective. If that's not the case, go ahead, say so now. It hurts to wait like this. I'm tired of this. I hate how this relationship ends up being all about what you want & i feel like my feelings are never taken into consideration. Look, if we love each other, there is no reason for us to stay apart, okay? We can get back together & complete wipe the past of all our mistakes. Never bring them up ever again. We'll keep all of the promised worth keeping & have the relationship we've always wanted. I'll drive over to your house early on saturday mornings, we can lie in bed till noon & then we'll wake up & have pancakes ( :D maybe some sweet & passionate love) you never know. Fridays will be date night, or band night, your choice. Or hell, we can do both that day. We'll spend time here with my family & there with yours. I'll be your ever loyal ever doting wife & make you sweets for band and take care of you when you get sick. We'll never keep our thoughts & desires locked away any more. We'll sleep out under the stars, fall asleep in each others arms. Everything we've ever wanted. If you want it, say so now & it's yours. But if you don't want that, if there is something, someone else out there say so. Because then all of that is someone else's. I'm tired of playing silly games with my heart & you. Until you break the silence, i am gone. I will miss you every single day. I will think about yo every night, every time i look up at your painting hanging on my wall, a lion, a penguin, anything & everything that had to do with you i'll always think of you. Every time i'm lying in bed cold & i'll remember the times you held me close. Whenever my heart is lonely i'm going to remember how you kissed me gently. I don't ever want to erase those messages you left either. They're too sweet & i'm afraid i'll never hear that sweet, tender & sincere tone ever again. I love you with everything i am always & forever.

my best friend, my lover, my penguin.

my john.

Jan 22- "Oh how sweet the irony tastes"

So, i had a feeling when i sat down to write this i'd be writing it more than once. :D Third times charm, as they say.

Alright, well this week has been quite humbling & rewarding. I've learned a lot. I usually do after i realize i've got way too much going on. So, i'm never the first to spill my feelings about anything. I'd rather keep it to myself and repair whatever on my own. This week, i just want to talk to everyone. I want someone to say something that takes all the hurt, angry, & betrayal away. Most of the people i call friends aren't completely my friends. It's hard to say anything to them at all. My best friend, she's amazing, but she doesn't understand him at all. It's a difficult place to find myself. So i have just let it all out to anyone who will help me. Which for me feels amazing right now. All my stress it just disappearing. I had my first five hour phone call in a long time that was a lot of randomness & lots of shouting of incoherent things. And no lie, it made me smile so much.

It's amazing how much a like the two main men in my life are. They have the same tastes in nearly everything. It's pretty amazing. I would say they only differ at what is considered "good" music & appropriate hair length, but other than that their pretty dead on with each other. I think its amazing though how both of them know exactly what to do or say to hurt me so much. I love and i hate them so much. Neither of them have the capacity to listen to what i say. My dad treats me like a four year-old when i want to go out. The incessant questions. Why, where, how long, who, what for, parents? I'm two months shy of 18. I'm not a baby. I haven't even done anything wrong. I'm a good kid, a good student, & i have never understood why i can't just go out because i want to. Why must you constantly treat me like a child? By this age i should be able to say, "hey, i'm leaving," & just leave. I hate how i can't live any sort of normal life with you or mom. Seriously, it is so aggravating living here. And the divorce, yeah, i'm not living with either of you because both of you are crazy. Irony: I get my wish now. I yelled so much yesterday. I told my parents it's their fault why i have such weird relationships with all of my friends. I hate how my mom refuses to let people come over. I hate how i can't just leave. Both of them say things about my friends. Horrible things too. My mom just doesn't say it to their face like my dad. He got special attention for that. I hate how he feels the need to tell all of my friends to cut their hair or shave or call them a girl or some other name or pick on them for clothes. Whatever. They're not your kid SHUT UP!

He's the same way though. He never listens to me. He takes in whatever he hears & assumes it true. You did too accuse me & yes then you did ask, well did you? Aaaand i said no. (: Mostly because im not & because i don't even have his number any more. When he blocked me via myspace that was it. No aim. No e-mail. No text. No nothing. (: I was so pissed it's not even funny. Here's the thing: his brother wants the three of us to be buddy-buddy before they leave. It's a nice thought. It's great to reminisce in memories of better times. But you know what else would be nice? A lot things. Like it would be wonderful if my parents would stay together. It would be wonderful if i all sorts of money to pay for college. It would be nice if i was taller & had bigger boobs than Alicia. But there are something in the world that will never be. As sad as that is knowing i will never get taller or have bigger boobs i suppose i have to accept it. Here's the irony, you're talking to the one person i would never want to you talk to & you promised me you wouldn't (: And that's why you're a liar & a promise-breaker! Told you i had valid reasons for that call. I just maybe shouldn't have been talking to shammy when i found out. Oh, oh, oh you didn't even hear the worst of it. If it weren't for Shammy actually to show how much she doesn't hate you, i'm not doing any of it. So you're aware, i wanted you hurt just as bad as i did. I wanted you to cry so hard and break your heart. I wanted to see some emotion from you. And you always say, "i'm always here for you. I'll always care for you." Hi. I'm here. I am in need of care. I need to have one sane person talking to me. I need help through this point in my life. So there. Tis why i called. Oh & it's not cool to get mad at me for calling you, who broke up with me, upset because i'm 'effing heartbroken & all of the above emotions. I was hoping you'd be upset, like i don't know complacent because i said i hate you. (: Also, i heard from a highly reliable source you still think i despise your band. I love that dearly. I absolutely hate your band. So to drive my point home about how much of a burning hate i harbor for these three, four guys i don't know this is what i do and say. "Oh wow! I'm so proud of you! Here, let me take you down to Mill Ave to celebrate how amazing you're doing with your band." Oh sneaky! And of course i offer to bake from scratch cookies, (and i mean scratch flour, eggs, vanilla the whole thing) for people i hate. Hell, i love pissing my mom off fighting over whether or not i should be allowed out that far away from home and for that long only to find out it's a big fat 'effing no, oh and now i'm grounded. I guess people who hate other things move it/them right up there on their top w/e bullshit & make like a special section for them in their music section & offer to come take some badass pictures on a really sexy camera. & All classic signs of a hater i suppose. I mean, i realize i never fully explained why i dislike just the fact i ever see you. Well, okay, the only reason i didn't (and let's all make note of the past tense there) like it was because i only ever really have my weekend free and you started spending all your time with them. Our time was gone. If i wanted to hang out with you i'd have to go with you to a practice of which i can't exactly hang out with you because you'll be practicing. So note the frustration. Not to mention, but i'm not sure if you know, but my parents are 'effing nazis. A's B's are just not good enough in AP classes, i should be coming home with super A's. 3's & 4's on the five hour test for these classes, again, i should be getting 9's (which if you don't know, isn't eve possible. The test is out of 5) Getting into college, not worth any sort of "good job" or "congratulations" from the people who gave birth to me, brought me into the world, raised me. I get more praise from my friends than i do my parents. Do you even know how that feels? I'm degraded for not being perfect. It's really hard to not let that get to you & let it influence your personality & your mentality or stress levels when that's what you have to be in order to get love in your house. Getting a what, 1800 out of 2400 on my first try at the SAT's was not good enough for them. Being in the 10% isn't good enough. Take four AP classes & doing everything i do isn't enough. And they can't appreciate me for what i really love. My mom only comes to my concerts because she has to. It's her "obligation as my parent to go." Thanks, really. Well, i suppose it's better than my dad who has been to one in the last four years & only came because i made him. No, really, thanks guys.

And you know, this thing with Brady gets even better. He has always said to me, "i wish you didn't wear make up. You're so gorgeous with out it." So, tuesday, i wake up late & i'm not really in the mood to do the monotonous hair & make up routine so i skip it and just go to school. I happened to just glance in a mirror & think, "wow, i actually really don't look half bad for just waking up & not doing anything" Curly hair, no make up, jeans, In Flames t-shirt, sweatshirt over that, and a ratty pair of converse has never gotten so many compliments in my life. So because of this rather interesting turn of events i've stopped wearing make up & straightening my hair. It's easier and I look way cute supposedly. And i guess there's some more irony for the week. (: He left me. He tells me "i'll always care..." & so on. He is just amazing. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry (yet, understanding. It's a complicated place in my head.) How is it that i am the one being avoided? How is it that i am the one keeping him in my top spot w/e (actaully to get back at him again, ironically, my number one is now Skywards his band. I like your band more than your face.) How is it that i haven't changed anything on my page pertaining to him? The feelings haven't changed. That's pretty much what he said too, so again, if we feel that way, but just can't take a relationship for obvious, yet quite paradoxical reasons on my part ( i love him & hate him & all guys like my dad right now & think 'love' is bullshit & so on) why don't we just say that's what it is? Why must it be so 'effing black or white? Where did the world's love for abstract go? Especially yours. I don't think i will ever understand this world.

Anyway, that pretty much is all the irony that can fit in one week, or i hope so. One more day, so let's see. (: